There is a reason why most protagonists are leaders.
A leader is someone who is capable of planning ahead, making decisions, following a course, and doing the hard work needed to achieve a goal.
They also must have the charisma, communication skills, and empathy to inspire others, bring people together, access strengths and weaknesses, and push everyone to the finish line.
Now, while some individuals are natural-born leaders, it may not come as easy to others. This has nothing to do with introverted vs extroverted people. You don’t need to be a loud social butterfly, or an egotistical boss.
Trust me, I’m an introvert myself. I need my alone time and I prefer to work independently. But in a group setting, without raising my voice, I can get a project started, put ideas together, give out work, and make sure everything is done in a timely manner. No one ever has an issue with me being in charge.
But as I look back, I know that leadership comes down to confidence. We’re not talking about looking or acting confident, but real confidence that is build from experience. From trying, learning from your mistakes, and doing better next time.
So if you’d like to become someone who exhibits these traits, you can learn and become a great leader. Here’s some tips you can adopt!
Here’s Your Wake Up Call
Before getting into steps, I felt a need to give you your wake up call.
If you’re reading this, chances are, you already feel like you lack control in your life. You may be in a place you don’t like or aren’t comfortable with, or you see others perusing their dreams and you wonder if you can do the same. But sometimes, one sentence, or in this case, a few sentences can really change your mindset and life.
Whether you’re a follower by choice or circumstance, let’s admit this: being a follower is easy.
It’s easy to just listen to others. It’s easy to just follow instructions. It’s easy to just go with the flow and live passively. You don’t have to think much because someone else is doing all the thinking and planning for you.
And it’s natural! From childhood, we followed our parents leads and trusted our teachers’ guidance. For about 2 decades, you have been following the steps expected for youth to take in your country.
But adulthood is another story. The intentions of those who try to guide and direct you may not have the best intentions for you.
Your parents will push you to go to university and become a doctor, even though that’s not what you want to do as a career. People will give you bad dating advice or push you to date someone toxic. Your coworkers may tease you and lie about assignments so you would get in trouble. A so-called-friend begs you to invest in their business idea, and then they disappear with your money.
Not everyone will be so blatent in your downfall, but the point is, when you follow people as naively as you did as a child, there’s a lot of risks that come with it. Big risks that could leave to emotional distress, financial struggles, depression, and general low-satisfaction with life.
What you need to realize today, right now, is that you only have one life to live. You may know this in your head, but you may not have taken it to heart. Today is the only today you’ll ever have. Each week, month or year you waste is time you’ll never get back. Opportunities you missed may never come back.
Not only do you only have one chance at life, but you don’t know how long that life will be. If you’re someone who thinks “As soon as I graduate, I will…” “After I buy a house I could…” “when I retired, I’ll finally be able to…”, you are fooling yourself.
You aren’t even guaranteed tomorrow, yet, you think you’ll be blessed with a long health life and see retirement? You know how many people die everyday? Accidents, chronic diseases, pandemics, murder, natural disasters….have you seen the show 1000 ways to die? No one really thinks today could be their last day.
So where are you in your life right now? Are you happy right now? Do you have a job you enjoy? Have you started crossing things off your bucketlist? Are you taking steps towards your dreams and goals?
If not, why? What’s really stopping you? Why are you procrastinating?
I asked myself this in 2018. Growing up poor and with a single mom, we struggled quite a bit. Thus, I worked hard to finish school and start working sooner. Even when I was in school, I would help her with rent on my credit, thus I had a lot of debts to pay. I was also the eldest daughter, so I was often asked or expected to babysit while my brother came and went as he pleased.
After working for 3 years to pay off everything and build a savings, I figured, I should treat myself…I thought about going to Japan, but then, all these excuses came to mind. It’s expensive…I don’t have anyone to travel with…I may have to babysit…They have natural disasters, I could die! But deep down, I knew I would have regrets if I didn’t go.
But it really got me thinking…”what is really stopping me?” Everything I said were just excuses. As I dug deeper, I realized it’s all fear. Internal fear built from the outside.
I grew up in a dangerous neighbourhood, so the outside world scared me. I grew up poor so I was scared to spend. While I would run errands alone, it was intimidating to do activities, let alone travel alone. I just found myself waiting for someone to invite me, but that didn’t really happen.
Thus, if I wanted to get the future I wanted, I had to make that step, and I had to build it myself. No one is going to lead me there or help me. If I follow and continue to people please, all I’m doing is helping others build their dreams.
You think CEOs become CEOs by following people? You think Olympians became medalist by following the status quo? You think those who travel the world always have someone by their side paying for everything and planning their trips? You think entrepreneurs had someone else build their business for them? You think big artists, musicians, or actors listened to those who said you couldn’t make money in that industry or wouldn’t be successful?
Anyone who has achieved their dreams had to lead their own path. People who follow and use everyone else as excuses for why they couldn’t achieve their dreams don’t get anywhere.
It doesn’t matter who you are now, you can achieve anything if you believe it in and pursue it seriously, even if you have to pursue it alone. Anybody who is big now was once a regular person like you.
I definitely recommend reading or watching backgrounds of some celebrities, olympians, or even Youtubers. Yeah, things may be easy for them now, but many of them have worked hard for years to get to where they are now. Very few had natural talents or had things handed to them, but they knew they wanted and they pursued it.
So that is your wake up call. You can either lead your own life, or be used and abused by others as a follower.
Make your choice.
1. Believe (In Yourself, In Your Dream, Etc)
What makes leaders so easy to follow is that they believe that their goal is possible, they know they have the potential to make it happen, and they inspire others to join them on that journey. The first two things are mandatory, and must go hand in hand to make dreams happen.
You can believe it’s possible for someone to get into the NBA, but you may not believe you can do it. You can believe that musicians can trend and become popular, but you don’t think you’re talented enough to be that next star.
There’s also the opposite. Maybe you know you’re a great basketball player and everyone knows this too, but you don’t have any big dreams or goals for that talent. Or you’re an amaaaazing singer, capable of blowing people away with your voice, but you don’t care to record an album or perform.
The whole point of ‘leading’ is that you are taking yourself and any followers from point A to point B. You’re not leading if you’re not going anywhere.
Let’s even take my rookie band for example. There are many bands out there who simply come together to practice but that’s all they do. But when I started my band, it was with goals and plans for us to perform on stage within a year or two. I made that very clear in my band ad. I wanted people, preferably other late beginners, who wanted to join me in making this dream come true.
But I also had to start this band truly believing that I could get a bunch of beginners on stage. Others may not have faith in us (obviously), however, I knew it was possible. I truly believed that if we work hard, and if I advertise seriously, someone would give us a chance.
The thing about ‘believing’ is that it can be blind. Even if you know something can happen, the point is, you don’t have the evidence right now that what you will do will work…but you need to believe enough to pursue it and try to make it happen. As I said earlier, if you don’t believe it can happen, why would anyone else?
The beginning will be hard. Even if you are passionate about your dream, others will be negative, others will plant doubt in your head or discourage you….but you are a leader. It’s time to start acting like one.
As the quote goes, “You can only achieve what you believe in your mind you deserve and can achieve.“
The second you say “it can’t happen” or “I can’t do it”, it won’t happen. But if you could get to the point where you’re like “hmm, I’m not that great right now, but I think I could get to that level”, or you believe there is even a 10% that it could become a reality, that’s all you need to get started and put the work in.
A little belief and optimism goes a long way. You will fulfill whatever prophesy you think you are destined for.
2. Build Some Self Confidence
Okay! So now that you at least have a sliver of hope that your dream could happen, it’s time to build some self-confidence.
As I said in the intro, confidence is not just standing tall or speaking boldly. If you’ve been paying attention to influencers or celebrities, a lot of them appear to be confidence, but then you find out they are insecure, dealing with depression, or lack a sense of self worth. People who others look up to aren’t always confident!
So what is confidence? Confidence is more than a feeling. It’s something built with time and experience, that allows that person to know they can do something.
For example, driving! No one is a born driver. There are natural drivers, but you don’t actually learn to drive until you’re at least a teenage. Many people are nervous when they first get behind the wheel and are expected to control this massive beast with 30 different buttons and not crash on the road with many other drivers. I just got my G1 in 2019, so the memories and feelings are still very fresh to me.
The first drive is a rush, but when you get back, you start thinking, ‘oh..it’s not that bad’. The second drive, you’re still nervous and you’re making wide corners, but you didn’t crash into anything. Third time, you’re getting better at osberving and remembering to put on your turn lights. And slowly but surely, with each drive, you’re getting better, and thus you start building more confidence as a driver.
After a few months or years, what was once scary and overwhelming is now something you can do relaxed while chatting with your passenger. You may not be a nascar driver or anything, but you have enough confidence in yourself to operate a motor vehicle and get from Point A to Point B safely.
And after all that, you’ll also have a decent amount of confidence to learn something else or perhaps drive a moving truck and so on. New situations and experiences become less and less daunting as your base level of confidence grows.
So how can you improve your confidence? Well, check out my free ebook which gives you a list of things you can try to build your confidence.
And if you’re dealing more with insecurities or fear of people judging you, check out my previous article, 5 Hard Truths To Feel Confident Today.
3. Start Making Your Own Decisions
Being a follower means you accept other people’s decisions for you. They tell you to do something, and you do it. They say you should become this, so you pursue that. But no matter what position you are in, you always have another option.
Part of being a leader is recognizing that you always have a choice. ALWAYS.
Even for your parents, you can obey them or disobey them. Even if there are consequences, there is a choice. Yes, they want you to take over the family business, and yes, you are the only child, but that still doesn’t mean you have to do it. If that’s now what you want to do for the rest of your life, you are under obligation to follow their wishes.
Even if they feel you’re the only option, that’s not true at all. They could get a cousin or a friend to take it over. They could sell it and receive royalties. And while it may seem sad, they can always close it down when they retire. The business was their dream, and they pursued that, but you don’t have to follow in their footsteps if it is not your dream.
As hard as it may be to say ‘no’ to someone, even if that person does truly care about you, it’s your life. You don’t always get second chances to pursue or try things. Your parents want to arrange your marriage? If you are personally fine with it and the person, then sure. But if you love someone else, or you want to stay single and live your life as a free woman, then say no.
Listen to me. So, so, soooo many people lie on their death beds with regrets. So many people play the victim because they were pushed to do this, or they grew up underpriviledged and felt they couldn’t do that, so they didn’t even try to choose a different option.
One thing that really got me to stop living a boring, fearful life was the thought that, I could lose a limb or come down with a chronic disease, and no longer be able to do anything I ever wanted to do.
When I thought about what was actually stopping me from going to Japan, or moving out, or trying indoor skydiving and archery and all these other activities….there was nothing.
Every excuse I had was just that, an excuse. I need to save and help my mom, I may have to babysit, I don’t have friends to go with…okay? I can go by myself. I’ve worked 4 years staright, I can treat myself now and then.
Then I thought deeper, and I realized, it was just fear. I grew up poor so I was scared to spend and be broke again. I grew up in a dangerous neighbourhood, so I was scared to be outside or in new areas. i was scared of planes and natural disasters and this and that…..but the fear of regret was bigger.
I have a choice. I can choose to start living. I can choose to pursue my true childhood dream job even though people used to tell me it was unrealistic. My little sister was old enough, I don’t need to babysit all the time. I have a brother too, he can help out for once.
I chose to take the lead and pursue what I felt was best. As hard as it can be at first, you can do it too.
4….But Still Listen and Be Open
There’s a difference between following other’s and listening to others. As they say, we have one mouth and two ears, so listen twice as much as you speak.
I’ve always been the leader type, but I love listening to people. Doesn’t matter who or where, I’m always open to a conversation, and I like getting into deeper or more personal topics. It’s always interesting hearing people’s experiences and learning from their successes and mistakes.
At times, since I’m usually the young one listening to adults and elderly, they would give me advice. Sometimes, it’s something I’ve never considered before. Or sometimes, I was on the rope and that second opinion certainly helped. I would then research (next point), and then decide if I would heed the advice or not.
In a group setting, when the group has just formed, while I do naturally take control, the first thing I ever do is ask everyone for their ideas. I may have my own, but I will always listen and I’d have us all discuss which idea we like more. Only then will I decide what the group will focus on. I will also ask people what part they would want to do, and I’ll take whatever is left over.
Thus, while I may be in the role of the leader, people never feel that I’m bossy or that they aren’t heard. As great as I may have thought my idea was, if someone pitches a better idea, I’m all for it. In the end, I would always choose what is best for the team.
5. Do Lots and Lots of Research
Okay, so you have your goal in mind and you’ve decided to take control of you’re life….but how do you reach that goal?
Thankfully, we live in the information age. You no longer need to go to libraries or interview a CEO to figure things out. For almost anything you want to know, you can look it up and gain insight and different perspectives.
In the intro of this article, I said that as a leader, you don’t need to know everything, and that is still very true. You don’t need to now everything right now, and you definitely don’t need to pretend to know everything to those who choose to follow you. However, you should aim to be well informed, and consider different things before choosing the best path for you or your team.
Back to my band, you think I know how to run a band? I’ve never been in a band before. Yeah, I played a few instruments, was in a few musical clubs, performed with my school’s drumline….but all I had to do was show up and practice. Thing is, our drumline was brandnew when I joined. We received money and instruments, so the teachers, along with a volunteer teacher, would pretty much lead us and within 2 years, we got to perform on multiple stages.
But a rock band is still different. It’s been a dream of mine since middle school, so I’ve done a lot of research over the years. I’d read blogs on how to start up, how to practice, how to perform etc. I would also read threads about problematic band members and what people’s bands didn’t work out. I would watch videos with tips on making a setlist, stage presence, and promoting.
I started our Instagram early and would post practice clips. After getting a full time and realizing everyone is dedicated, I started building this website, and immediately booked us for a photoshoot. Being rookies, I knew we would have to work twice as hard to be taken seriously. The sooner I started building a presence, the more luck I would have at booking us for our first gig next summer.
I also knew that if we wanted to get into an anime-related conventions, I would need to ask super early. If the event is in May, they will have their events and setlists planned by March or sooner, so I started emailing events in January. The pandemic has pushed some events farther, but by February, I received a response of an event who was happy to have us perform. It can happen people!
The only reason I knew what path to take, despite having no real experience or insight, was through research. Don’t take the internet for granted! It’s a wonderful resource! And if you can’t find answers, there is always Reddit and Facebook groups where you can post your question and get responses from many people who love to share and advise.
6. Be Organized
Leaders are people who can somehow multitask, manage a lot of people, and knows what needs to be done when. An organized individual couldn’t possibly keep track of everything, and if the leader doesn’t even know what’s going on, the boat will sink.
Planners and to-do lists are great if you have too much on your plate. Utilize your phone’s calendar and make sure you set your alarms. Aim to always be ahead instead of behind. Don’t procrastinate or wait until a deadline is approaching to work on something. If you seem to struggle with organization, or you find you’re always stressed and rushing, definitely look into time management courses.
I’ve always hated planners even in school, but my mind is always running, so remembering things is pretty easy, unless I had a lot of new things to do in a short period (like when I was job searching out of college, and had many interviews at various locations).
For my band, I preplan the next rehearsal a couple weeks in advance, and will check in with my members a few days before to book it. If someone informed me about an event or exam, it’s noted and I can plan around it. While things are slow at work, I’ve been working hard on this blog, writing and scheduling in advance, because I know I won’t have as much time in the summer. Then of course, I still got to practice and have my songs down before rehearsal. While I may seem chaotic with all I’m doing, I’m quite organized, and I always know what’s going on, who is where, when is what, etc. My band members can ask me something, and I can answer it right away.
7. Analyze, Plan, and Think Ahead
A lot of people don’t truly understand what it means to plan something. Planning a trip is not just saying “okay, let’s go to Japan in May”, book your plane ticket and hotels and that’s all. NOOOOO. That’s not even planning honestly.
Planning would be budgeting for the trip, looking into paths, and train routes, looking into activities and if they need to be scheduled as well. Will you get an international sim card, or rent a Wi-Fi pocket? How will you communicate with locals? Did you know that a lot of places only accept cash? Were you planning to take out cash? You wanted to go out drinking and party all night, but research will show you that the last trains run at ***. You were hoping to visit an onsen, but did you know some still ban tattoos? Imagine showing up and being turned away or kicked out….
If you did your research, you will probably find out a bout a lot of these things. And now that you are in the planning phase, you can use this information to better plan your trip and avoid wasting time or being dissappointed.
When it comes to your goals and dreams, you need to think just as strategically. You are going into foreign terrirtory with hopes that things will work out….but you can’t just hope, you need to plan.
You need to know yourself and your team to a level that you can figure out what works for everyone.
Back to my band, it has been quite a journey having to plan and organize around 5 people. When we got together in summer 2021, I had plans for us to perform by 2022.
Summer 2021 lifted restrictions, but I was rushing to plan out setlist and get what I needed for the website just in case things were to lockdown again and we couldn’t meet. Then later one, one member is deathly afraid of needles, so I had to consider where we would be allowed if vaccine passports were mandatory.
During this month, March 2022, one member is in their final semester of nursing school and the other is tied up with dance practice for an event mid-month. They didn’t ask for it, but I told the group we will take a break because I knew it would be too much for them. I would rather them focus on what’s important and urgent right now. There’s no point paying for a rehearsal space if members aren’t prepared or they’re too tired/tied up to attend.
As for performances, our main target audience would be at the few anime-related conventions that happen in the city. I had my eye on 3 events, one for each season.
I know, due to the size of these events, they will have their guests, performers, and sets organized at least a couple months beforehand, so if i wanted us to have a chance, I would need to apply early, thus, I started sending out emails in January.
While a lot of them got reschedule for later due to the uncertainty of the pandemic, it still doesn’t hurt to be early. Once posters are going up with guest stars, it’s too late. Thankfully it paid off! One replied in February saying, they saw our website and would love to have us perform at their opening and/or closing ceremonies.
This only happened because I started promoting and building our online presence far ahead of time, and because I reached out instead of a few weeks before. I was honest about us having no experience, and we don’t even have a Youtube video up, but I knew someone would give us a chance if we’re serious.
So when it comes to your goals, analyze and think critically. Consider all factors and possibilities. Get into people’s heads and figure out what you may need to do to get that opportunity, or pass that audition, or land that deal.
The world doesn’t revolve around you. Even if this is a solo goal, there’s probably hundreds or thousands of other people who can cause a direct or indirect bump in your path, so consider everything, and plan for everything.
8. Always Have a Backup Plan
The best leaders always have a backup plan. If by chance, all your analyzing and planning ahead didn’t work, you should have already considered different ways and paths things could go down along your path.
Best case scenerio, things are linear, but in a lot of cases, there will be bumps, there will be detours, or perhaps your goal changes.
Maybe you were planning to own your own restaurant, but then you decide to settle for a booth in a food court. Same goal, but one is a bit more feasible and it won’t cost you an arm and a leg.
Or you want to be Miss America, but you didn’t pass your states pagent contest on the first try. That’s okay! You now have a year to try out some other smaller pagents, take some modeling classes, and build support on social media.
Or perhaps you ordered uniforms for your dance team, but you just found out the package won’t arrive on time. If you had a backup plan, you should have already done research and reached out to someone local, just in case this were to happen. Thus you’re not scurrying and freaking out because no one else could do it in a week without warning.
Plan ahead, and do try your best to stay on course, but also think of other things that could happen and prepare. Don’t leave things to chance or have to rely fully on faith for things to work out positively. You can set things in place that allow you to pivot at a moments notice.
9. Relax. Breathe. It’s Okay!
This goes for anything. You may be in the middle of a serious situation and be freaking out. Or you may have just lost something vital to the team.
Even if you feel like blowing or crying, you need to stay calm and not be so emotionally swayed. You can be emotional, you’re allowed to feel the way you do, but you are still the leader. Even if everyone else is freaking you, you need to be the calm in the storm, the one who people can run to and ask what they should do next.
Here’s a story for you. While I was in college, we were placed into groups, and our teacher said from the very beginning, she doesn’t care to hear about drama or anything. We are adults (majority of the class were 30+, some 50+, many with kids, etc…and I was like…20/21)
As usual, I naturally took control by getting everyone together and asking for ideas. No one seemed to challenge me in that role, so i was entrusted as the leader (One older lady in the group actually said she was happy she didn’t have to lead for once. She knew I had things under control and was happy to follow, so that really boosted my confidence).
On the day we were put into groups, this one girl showed up for the very first time. (This is a program where everyone has all the same classes for all 3 semesters, yet she popped up in the 2nd semester). We all exchanged info, we gave her her role, and off we go…
But for the next few weeks, we did not see her again. She was part of the group, so we just had to deal with. I attempted to communicate with her, but I had a feeling she wouldn’t do the work or be ready, so I did her part, and told my group what we would do whether she showed up or not on the day of the presentation.
We were maybe the 5th to go up, and the girl was no where to be seen. We were all hoping she wouldn’t since we never practiced with her….but guess who decided to show up a few minutes before we had to go up. I quickly ran through things with her, and gave her her script and we performed. There was no point getting frustrated or complaining at this point in time. It didn’t go as perfectly as we practiced, but it is what it is.
Luckily, to our surprised, our teacher gave us forms to rate ourselves and each other. I gave all the present members a great mark, and rated myself lower, saying as the leader, I would take the blame for anything that didn’t go well. I ended up with a really great mark regardless cause everyone rated me well, and of course the absent girl failed as she didn’t do anything and all members were aware of that fact.
Point of all this is, things will work out. As scary or as bad as things might be right now, it’s temporary. All you can do is your best and try to handle each situation to the best of your abilities.
If you were planning ahead and considering different situations and outcomes as mentioned above, when things do happen, you should be more prepared to handle it like I was.
10. Learn From Failure & Mistakes
It’s time to change your opinions on failure. Just cause you failed or lost, doesn’t mean you’re a failure or a loser. You can’t win 100% of the time. You won’t be able to do things perfectly when you’re learning.
The only time you officially lose is when you stop trying. You can always learn from it, dust yourself off, and try again. As long as you’re alive, you can always try again. There will always be a second chance or another opportunity.
One of the best ways you can ensure you’ll do better next time and have more chances of succeeding, is to learn from your experience and mistakes.
What went wrong? What could you have done better? Should you have got this started sooner? Was it due to a team member or an error in communication? Was your team not as ready as you thought they were? Perhaps the anxiety and pressure from being in front of an audience for the first time was the cause.
This band is my 3rd real attempt at making a band. My first band didn’t get past 1 practice. The first rehearsal went well, but I definitely learned a lot.
Everyone had different schedules so it was impossible picking a day, thus this time around, I sad must be available Sundays. Last time, I had a few advanced players who were in multiple musical projects, so we weren’t a priority to them, thus I wanted to do this with other late beginners.
I learned not to be so eager and desperate that I’ll take anyone who inquires. Being interested in an idea is a lot different than being dedicated and serious about it. Thus time around, we made it way past any other attempt has made.
Leon Brown said “History repeats itself endlessly for those who are unwilling to learn from the past”. Take this quote to heart.
You know those people who always seem to end up with toxic or abusive partners? Even if they are the victim, they are also the common denominator. There are red flags they seem to be attracted to that they are unaware of because they never took the time to figure out why their relationships always end up the same.
Being a leader takes practice as it requires the harmony of various skills, like organization, time management, communication, empathy, public speaking, conflict resolution (if team members fight), and so on. It also requires a lot of self confidence, as others need to feel you are someone who is strong and capable to lead them.
Some times, even if you were the best leader possible, if you have a stubborn people on your team who don’t listen or want to sabotage you, or if individuals don’t have the skills nor try, there’s nothing you can do. The team you have will grately determine your success, so even if you are responsible for the team, your team’s failure doesn’t mean you are the only one responsible. Everyone played a part.
Conclusion
It doesn’t matter your background or gender, doesn’t matter your personality type or history, anyone can become a leader. Just like any other skill in life, being able to take control and make your own decisions can be learned as well.
It may take some time to build confidence, but like driving a car, it may be shaky and scary at first, but soon you’ll be driving alone without any accidents. That’s if you keep at it.
If you do make a decision and things don’t go well, that doesn’t mean you’re not meant to be a leader. As we said earlier, failure is a part of life, but that doesn’t mean you are a failure or a loser. Just learn from it and do better next time.
Also, don’t think you have to lead all the time. If someone else is more suitable for the job, it’s okay to take a back seat! But don’t miss the opportunity to see what they do and learn from them. Everything in life could be a learning opportunity if you allow it to be 🙂
Believe in yourself, start trying out tips from my free eBook to get your confidence up, and then start taking control and build the future life of your dreams <3
Also check out my article on how to be a protagonist and live with no regrets.