Nostalgia

As an adult, I found myself desiring some kind of hobby or talent to get into. I really wanted to be good, or even great at something, and it’d be even better if I could make money off it like arts and crafts, but I wasn’t sure what. I really liked unique and cool things like archery, knife throwing, parkour etc, but I would have to travel far and spend money to practice them. I often found myself always going back to music, trying out new instruments like the harmonica, ocarina, violin, and drums, but it was hard and embarrassing practicing in a small apartment since my family (especially my older brother) would mock me. 

I also didn’t have anything to work towards. I’m not in high school anymore where there were 2 or 3 events/assemblies that I could possibly perform at. So what troubled me the most was the possibility of investing so much time and energy into learning or practicing something, just to never do anything with it….or worse, to stop and eventually forget everything you learned anyways. As an adult, when you have a job, chores, and errands to do everyday, you don’t have as much time to spare, and you may prefer to relax in your free time. Thus, if you choose to invest your free time into something, you kinda hope it would pay off in some way later. 

But speaking of adulthood, I also didn’t want to live and die with regrets. I’m sure most children of immigrants can relate, but because our parents sacrificed their dreams to come here and raise a family, quite a few of them are miserable, sticking to jobs they don’t really like just to pay the bills, and some like to play the martyr as well, blaming us or life for why they could never do certain things. Sometimes, that mentality can be passed onto us as well, thinking we’re only here to do what we gotta do to survive, instead of actually making the most of life. I didn’t want to be miserable, so I thought about the things I knew I would have to do to feel at least somewhat satisfied in my life, and the 3 things on my bucket list were: Get My Own Place, Go To Japan, and Play on Stage with a Band. 

Out of the 3, playing with a band seemed the most possible, and watching K-On!! really re-sparked that dream of mine. Thus, I had my first band attempt in 2014. We actually played well together and hit it off in our first rehearsal, but unfortunately, everyone had different schedules and priorities (some had other bands), so it was impossible planning a second rehearsal. Thus, it had to be put on the back burner for a while. 

In 2018, I had another awakening of sorts. It may be because of some Japanese dramas I watched at the time like 1 Litre of Tears (high school girl suddenly gets disease where she looses ability to walk or live a normal life) and Midnight Sun (girl was born with a disease where she can’t go out during the day, lest she dies), but I started to think ‘if I were to lose a limb, or get a terminal disease, and didn’t do all the things I wanted to do when I was healthy and capable, I would hate myself’. I was finally financially stable, debts paid, able to help my mom, and built some savings, so what was really stopping me? Fear? Doubt? People pleasing pressure? Regardless, I’ve sacrificed enough and it was time to do something for myself, so I decided I would go to Japan. 

None of my friends were able to join me at the time, but I was perfectly fine going alone. Being a public transit user in Toronto, I already understand how that works, and I’ve learned to follow directions as I travelled around for various job interviews. Yes, the idea was still scary,  especially since I was scared of my plane crashing (blame Disney Channel’s May Day), or the next big earthquake/tsunami hitting Japan while I was there…but I knew if I didn’t go, I’ll always feel envious and bitter, so I went, fully prepared to die, but better to die fulfilling your dreams, right? Thank God, He kept me safe, but that whole season gave me the courage to do a variety of other things I’ve been procrastinating on. 

I then wanted to see more of my home country, so I went to Halifax (east coast) in 2019, and Yellowknife (northern territories) in 2020, just before lockdowns. It was really cool seeing the Aurora. I also did some activities that I haven’t done in ages or wanted to do like ice skating, hang gliding, indoor skydiving, knife throwing, and more archery. I also went to my first concert ever to see my favourite Japanese band, One OK Rock. While I never cared for concerts (money, loud music, crowds), I really wanted to see them at least. 

A big highlight in this season was getting back on stage for the first time with a dance group. Since high school, I really loved Jpop dances, and I had one shy friend who said she would join me to record some covers, but she kept delaying it and then admitted she didn’t really care to get on camera. Out of frustration, I just recorded and uploaded a few solo dances to get it off my chest. In 2019, Dolly Momoiro who regularly hosts Jpop fashion shows and events was hosting another event (more on how I met her in the next section), so I shared a couple of my covers and asked if I could perform. Since I didn’t really have a name as a solo dancer, she invited me to join her dance team as a guest. We practiced weekly for about a month and some, and then got to perform. A variety of other idol groups from across the country was also there so I got to make other connections too. 

Thus, when Covid hit and everyone was forced to lockdown, I was very thankful that I did everything I wanted to do beforehand and had a sense of peace. Well, the only thing that really took away my peace was my family being home all the time. My older brother was always a bully to me, and my mom never listened or believed me. I was also expected or asked to do most of the chores or to stay home to babysit my little sister. While I was in high school, my cousin got kicked out of his home and ended up with us, so there was 5 people living in a 2 bedroom apartment. My brother doesn’t share, so me, my little sis, and my cousin was in one room, while my mom slept in the living room. I work from home, so it’s nice having a few hours to myself, that was no longer the case during lockdowns..and there was way more dishes to wash. 

Thus, even though my finances weren’t stable, I took a leap of faith and moved out in September 2020. My cousin who is my best friend and was the only person who I could open up to and be myself around joined me as well. He’s the same age and an anime fan, so we connected quite a bit, and he was always supportive of my crazy dreams,. All in all, having my own room allowed me the space and privacy to practice the guitar plugged in and really work on my stage presence.