Hello! If you’re new to my blog, I’m Nostalgia. I started this blog in 2021 following my journey as a beginner guitarist to performing on stage. I had a childhood band dream that I wanted to pursue and I was able to achieve it within a couple years of picking up the instrument. I was fine with it being a one-time experience, but somehow, the story just kept on going!
In 2022 and 2023 I performed 4 times with my anime/Japanese music cover band. All details are on my Band Project page. While I grew up in the church, only around new years 2023 was I was truly born again, and I’ve since dedicated my talents and consecrated myself to God. Since January 2024, I’ve been playing each week for a church plant, and even got to be in a gospel music video!
In this article, I share my story and testimony, and I hope you’ll read it to understand my background and just how deeply passionate I am about this topic and how I came to have some opinions. Afterwards, I answer some common questions about worship leading such as ‘what Christian music is acceptable?’, ‘if non-believers can be worship leaders?’, and ‘what is worship in the first place?’
Just like my other articles, I don’t claim to be an expert. I haven’t been in the music industry for long, and I definitely haven’t been serving at a church for long either, but I feel there’s things a rookie can see that pros often overlook because they are far past that bridge. When you’re new, you care a lot more because you’re only starting to build your reputation as a musician. And because things are not as easy or natural to you yet, you have this sensitivity, and you pay a lot more attention to the small things.
I love sharing those thoughts and feelings with those who are in the same boat, and advising those who are not far behind. So here’s what I have to say about being a worship leader:
My Testimony
My Music History and Band Experience
While I have a musical background having taken music all through school and dabbling in various instruments (keyboard, clarinet, viola, bass drum in drum line), I wasn’t confident in it.
I would have to work hard to practice and memorize pieces since I couldn’t read sheets quickly. I may learn songs casually for fun, but I didn’t practice until perfection, so I would mess up when given the opportunity to show off. I didn’t know or understand music theory, so I couldn’t create or improvise like others.
At one point, I thought I was just mad that other students would play so loudly and show off when others are trying to practice in the music room…but perhaps it was really jealousy. While music was always my identity, and I prided myself in playing various instruments, I came to the realization that I wasn’t as good or talented as I thought I was. Not seeing a future in music, I decided to retire when I graduated from high school.
I did have a band dream though. Back in middle school, I saw a band practicing to perform, and I just knew I wanted to do the same. Sadly, I didn’t have any musical friends to make that happen, so I gave it up. However, as the years went by, I couldn’t shake off the dream I had. Animes like K-ON! that featured a new girl band only re-sparked my interest, so I decided to pursue it again and made ads for members on classified sites like.
In my first band attempt around 2014, I played keyboard and we had one amazing rehearsal, but it was hard organizing a second one as people had other priorities and projects, and then people stopped responding. The second time was in 2017, a few months after I picked up guitar. I found members, but once I put them in a group chat, it went quiet, so we never made it to rehearsal. I then found a guitar teacher, but he pushed me so hard, expecting me to do 6 new things on the spot, and I got discouraged, and put the instrument down.
In 2018, I started pursuing my other dreams more seriously, and the first thing I did was plan a solo trip to Japan. While I was scared to go on planes thanks to Discovery Channel’s MayDay, and I knew Japan was prone to earthquakes and tsunamis, I knew I had to go or I’d die with regrets.
God brought me back safely, and since then, I gained more courage to cross other things off my bucket list. I went to my first concert ever to see my favourite Japanese rock band, One OK Rock, got to perform with a Jpop dance group for an event, and did a couple more solo trips across Canada, including to Yellowknife to see the Aurora.
Feeling really encouraged and knowing I could make this happen, I decided to pursue my band dream once again. I dusted off my guitar as my 2020 resolution, and fill the holes in my foundation with GuitarTricks. I just had to bring this dream to life!
When the pandemic went around and lockdowns happened, I only saw it as a big opportunity since people would be home and would have the time to learn songs ahead of time. I managed to find a couple people, the singer, who was a mutual friend who had her own failed singing group, and the guitarist from my first band attempt, who later took up bass. Sadly, others I met online didn’t want to commit until we were able to meet and practice together, so I didn’t have a full band until June 2021.
By summer 2022, we achieved our goal of performing at an anime convention, and also got to perform at a small venue. I was seriously tired though, as the male musicians would never memorize and master their parts for us to take things further or even record anything seriously,
I created this website and wrote 100s of articles to try to promote us since they said they wanted to take it seriously and possibly make money from this band. I bought business cards and did all the social media promotion. At our gigs, I was the only one going out to try to connect with other groups and fans…and they couldn’t even do the little I asked of them.
So before our last gig was done, I said that that would be the end of the project. To my surprise, despite the lack of enthusiasm and effort in rehearsal, they all they said they wanted to continue. So I said ‘okay, but someone else would have to lead’ as I just felt like a nag, my words were falling on deaf ears. The bassist took over as leader, which was surprising as he was the weakest member, unable to memorize his bass parts and stumbling on lyrics.
Not even 3 months into his new leadership, in which he added a new member (keyboard), I found ads he posted to make a competing band. I confronted him in the group chat saying that’s low. He confessed that he wanted to play bass for us but sing for them, since he couldn’t do both. I knew he desired the spotlight and girls, but I really didn’t think he was that selfish and sneaky. This led to us breaking up on Christmas Eve. The singer and I left, and the guys continued under a different name, though they never got anywhere.
The singer never got to sing much since the band was never stable enough for her to sing over. We literally spent a year on the same 5 songs. So for for the next couple months, she would nudge and insist that I make another band, maybe one with all girls. But after 3 attempts and fighting so hard to finally bring this one to completion, I was done working with groups and leading people. I always preferred to work alone.
She then suggested a duet, and I was open to it. I’ve been using mostly power chords, so it would give me an opportunity to strengthen my acoustic abilities. I also considered that I nudged and pushed her to join my band and she helped me bring my band dream to life, so I wanted to encourage her since she was actually enthusiastic about something for once. So for summer 2023, we learned about 20+ songs, performed at the convention again, and also the biggest Japanese festival in Canada!
This story is all important because it is what led me to seeking God seriously again. Around November 2022, the singer opened up to me and told me she was ‘spiritual’, and that she was interested in things like tarot cards and psychic readings.
I knew what the bible said about things like witchcraft and mediums. In the past, I heard from people who’ve experienced things, watched shows like Criss Angel and Long Island Medium, and while I could tell their emotions were genuine, I didn’t really believe it was real since I’ve never experienced it nor could explain it. I thought maybe it was just a mental thing, like manifestations…but I knew the singer was quite wise and insightful, so there had to be something more to it.
I decided to research it to warn her against it, and came to realize that demons were behind a lot of these things. For example, demons will watch and make notes about people and their lives, so when someone dies, demons can then inform a medium of that very private and personal information.
This was a real wakeup call for me. My church never talked about demons or spiritual warfare, but if this is true…which it is cause the bible talks about demons……
Suddenly the world felt really dark as I became aware of the times we were living in and the forces behind it, and I wanted to run back to God. I’ve been away from Him for over a decade…
My Childhood: Multicultural Schools, Loving God’s Law, & Parent’s Divorce
I was born and raised in the church, but I was influenced by the legalistic false teachings of the Seventh-Day Adventist church. The SDA church is most known for their observance of the 10 commandments, one of which is #4: keeping the Sabbath holy. They also keep Levitical food laws, such as no pork or shellfish (lobster, crab, shrimp, oysters).
For as long as I could remember, I personally had no issues with the law or the expectations of the church. I saw the beauty in it and wanted to be obedient. I didn’t care to go to big parties or drink/do drugs like other teens did. It was just never a desire of mine. I didn’t see the point, and definitely wouldn’t want to be addicted or reliant on any drug, including caffeine, which was also banned. As a tomboy, I didn’t care to dress in a way that would attract attention, let alone provocatively. I was a super picky eater, so food laws were never an issue for me either.
And hey, it’s nice having a rest day and not being asked to do chores on Saturday/Sabbath. Somehow, I was always able to finish my homework and projects on time and never fell behind. If my friends had a small movie or dinner party that day, I would just say ‘No’. I didn’t even ask my parents or beg to go because I was the one who was choosing to obey God. Yeah, we can’t watch secular shows or listen to secular music that day, but I personally really loved Christian/Gospel music, I enjoyed reading the Christian children books around the home, watching bible movies, and playing Christian games.
Now, I grew up in a very multicultural area in Toronto, a couple blocks east of Jane and Finch. It was low-income, and had many immigrant parents. It was so multicultural that whites were the visible minority, and I loved it! My parents separated when I was 8 and we struggled quite a bit, but I never stood out or felt awkward cause that was the story of most people around me. We all wore clothes from Zellers/Walmart and shoes from Payless Shoesource. Popularity and cliques didn’t really exist in my schools. You can be friends with whoever you wanna be friends with, no one really cares.
I was never attracted to black culture, music, fashion or shows. I wasn’t fond of the sexual or violent messages (especially since my area had a lot of gang/gun violence), language (I always hated swearing), or ghetto appearance that was often portrayed. I would hear it a lot as my brother played it, and he was physically and verbally abusive to me at times, so that didn’t help. So naturally, I wasn’t attracted to the many black kids around me who imitated that image. I found they were rough and loud, and many didn’t care about school, but I did. I loved school! It was an escape from home for me.
So what was I into? Well, I always loved music class. I was also quite a tomboy, so I really loved sports, marbles, Yugioh cards and Beyblades, climbing trees, fences etc. Obviously, I had a lot more guy friends than girl friends growing up cause guys were into the things I was into, and were a lot more fun to play with, whereas girls just wanted to talk about things like fashion or Barbies.
In middle school, I was exposed to more things, and once I discovered my favourite childhood shows were from Japan, I fell more in love with anime, Japanese music and Japanese culture. I also loved Disney Channel musicals, and artists like Hilary Duff, thus, most of my friends were either white or east-Asian. My family used to tease me for not being black, but bullying never worked on me. I was who I was, and I was always proud of that. I didn’t care about fitting in, and I was extraverted enough to find my people.
I was thankful that our schools encouraged us to do presentations on our backgrounds, and they would celebrate everyone’s holiday like Chinese New Year, Easter, and Hanukkah. There would be assemblies for Black History Month and Asian Heritage Month in which students were excited to do cultural dances, wear traditional clothes, and so on. It was easy to talk and ask questions about each other’s backgrounds, religion and culture and everyone was tolerant/accepting of each other.
So, I found out pretty early that I was a weird Christian. I went to church on Saturday, but all the other Christians went on Sunday. I didn’t eat pork or shellfish, but other Christians did. I would ask why they didn’t do certain things and they’ll say ‘the law was done away with’ or ‘I keep the law through Jesus’, but when I ask for verses or evidence to support this claim, they couldn’t provide them. So I grew up thinking my church was right about the Sabbath and also how Sunday keepers don’t know their bibles well as they claimed.
I even found out through classmates that I had a bit more in common with Muslims in that regard, and I envied their unity. If you ask any Muslim the same question, they will give you the same answer. The majority wore hijabs, and those who didn’t knew they were in the wrong. They all prayed regularly, they all participated in Ramadan and took fasting seriously, etc…but I didn’t find that mentality among Christians. I always wished Christians were a bit more serious about their faith.
My parents separated when I was 8. They fought a lot before then, so I didn’t mind it. If anything, I was excited because I would have my own room at both their places. My mom moved within the same building to a 2-bedroom, and father got a new house in Brampton. We would visit him every other weekend and during holidays. My dad was the more adventurous one, and me being a tomboy, I loved going camping, playing tennis, and going fishing with him. He also had cooler games at his place, like the PS2.
My parents still saw each other and slept over now and then, thus my little sister being born when I was 10 years old. Being the eldest girl, I was naturally asked to assist the most with chores like dishes and laundry, and later babysitting. And of course, I had to share my room. I would get annoyed as my brother didn’t help and was never asked to help. While I loved my mom and wanted to make her life easier, even going out of my way to do things without being asked, she didn’t always notice and would just yell when things weren’t done, and I knew it was directed at me.
I was frustrated with the imbalance and how she would rarely asked my brother when calling for one of us, and how she would only have him do simple things (take the garbage out vs doing the dishes. Or he can simply bring the laundry down/up, but I had to stay and help fold). When I’d complain, she’d tell me not to bring him up and compared me to herself. I’d go on to do her hair and nails for her out of love, and often have to finish recipes because my brother obviously didn’t know anything.
And while that certainly hurt and frustrated me, her not believing me when I would tell her that my brother hit me hurt even more. She’d either deny the allegation, point out that I scratched him in defense, or brush it off as kids fighting. The thing is, my brother got suspended quite a bit, he’s hurt other kids including my friends, made teachers cry, but she just refused to admit this possibility or discipline him for it. He had the only computer, but if I got caught using it when he got home, he’d have rage. He was always much taller than me and very strong, so I avoided him more as he scared me and I knew no one was going to protect or defend me.
However, outside of that, my mom was a good mother. She always worked hard to provide for us, show up for events, ensure we can attend trips and so on. I’m very thankful to have learned how to cook, do chores, and take care of my self from her. She fought hard to have custody of us and she is definitely the better parent. I am very thankful that I got to stay in North York where everything is a lot more accessible.
But things went from okay to pretty bad with my parents in the span of a couple years. My father had a history of cheating which I was unaware about. He’d have a girl ‘friend’ over but it didn’t seem anything more than that. But this weekend, he brought a girl over and was a bit more direct. I had to go home early as I was starting tennis lessons, but he left my brother and baby sister at his place.
When we arrived, my mom was freaking out and told him to take her to get them, not explaining that someone was with them…but my mom is very protective, especially if it’s someone she doesn’t know. This led to a more physical fight, in which she broke a couple of his possessions, he called the cops on her, and thus the many years of court battles for custody, divorce, and criminal.
My father’s new girlfriend and step kids moved in, and he had twins with her, so we lost our rooms. They would ignore us when we came by, and would put passwords on devices. Our bikes were broken and there’s nothing to really do in Brampton as it is, so we really didn’t enjoy our time there. We were forced to go, and sometimes he didn’t even show up. But we both chose to stop going and ceased communication with our father once we were free to do so.
But regarding God, there’s one memory that stuck out at this time. In Grade 6, I lost a wallet my closest cousin bought me. It only had a keychain, $5 and my student card, but I always value my gifts dearly. I prayed for probably a week for it’s return. My future high school called my middle school to say it was returned to them, a student found it on the bus. I’ve been lucky with having lost things like jewellery and MP3s returned, and I always make an effort to return what I found as well.
Growing In Faith, Getting Baptized, Then Feeling Condemned (2007-2013)
I first got baptized when I was 13. While I did clearly love God already, it wasn’t something I thought about. At this time, I had a Filipino SDA friend at school, and he told me he was baptized. I simply asked my mom ‘how does one get baptized?’, just so I’d know for future reference, but it got setup before I knew it. I didn’t have a problem with that baptism, but it wouldn’t have been the time I would have chosen to do so. Thus, I chose to get re-baptized years later.
Not even a few months after that, I was groomed by a family friend. My mom reconnected with him at an SDA conference, and he started coming over. My brother was in his room, sister was a baby, and he seemed eager to please me. He’d buy pizza as he knew I was picky but liked it, and even got the new Zelda game for my DS. He’d ask me to sit on his lap, and my mom who was in the same room didn’t say anything. One or two times, I was standing by the kitchen door, and he came up behind and pinched my bum, and he’d just smile when I looked at him.
My mom signed me up for SDA Pathfinder scouts, and to join, you had to attend their inauguration one Saturday evening. My mother was tired as she was watching my sis, but I was looking forward to the big camporee event that was happening that year (I was always eager to be away from home). He was over at the time, so he offered to take me. She seemed hesitant, but I begged, and she said okay.
As we got in the elevator, he kinda tried to kiss me, but I turned my face and he only got the corner…but that was a big red flag. We got there, did the auguration, and was headed back home. It was already pretty late, but he offered to take me shopping for another game. I said I’m fine, I just wanna go home. He was really eager to go somewhere, but opted to simply stop on the way for Pizza Hut at Jane and Finch.
After ordering, he got in the car, and had his hand over my chest. It was winter, so I had a puffy jacket on, but I just felt sick to my stomach. I didn’t have a phone yet or anything, so thank God he actually brought me home after. Once we got in, I was only able to utter ‘he touched me’ to my mom, and she kicked him out. Apparently, she’s known him to be a touchy guy, but if she told me that beforehand, maybe I wouldn’t have minded staying home. Turned out, the big camporee trip wasn’t til the following year anyways -___-
Pathfinders was alright. I can’t remember much about it besides drills, tying knots, and trying to sell oranges to fundraise for the big trip. I wasn’t close to most kids at church as they all went to the same private school and thus saw each other everyday, but there were a handful of younger kids who I was cool with. The Camporee was a blast, and I got to see the same SDA friend there again. They had a daily play featuring Esther the Queen, and their theme song “Courage to Stand” really blessed my heart.
In my last year of high school, I took a university philosophy class to try to earn a scholarship. The main topic was “The Meaning of Life”, and many atheistic philosophers would say ‘there’s no God and thus no meaning’. They’d ask the question of evil, and would say that ‘meaning is an illusion, we’re all just here to pass on our genes and die’. This was the first time my faith was really challenged since I wasn’t allowed to use the bible to defend my theistic views. I never had to think about these things, but I could understand what they were saying, and it made me start to doubt my blind faith.
Ironically, I was reading through the whole bible for the first time as I was preparing for my rebaptism that was coming up in a couple months…but now I wasn’t motivated to read. “What if God wasn’t real? Am I wasting my time? Is all this really pointless?” I had a taste of what they would call ‘an existential vacuum’. I wanted to believe though, but I’m a logical person. I saw evidence years prior in biology class, but what if I was just fooling myself? It was depressing to think they may be right.
During this period, I kept feeling this nudge to just read one more page. I resisted for a few days, maybe even a week or two, but then I finally picked up my bible. The next page had Colossians 2:8 which said “Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ.”
My mind was blown! I didn’t even know the world “Philosophy” was in the bible, but I knew that verse was for me. It was just what I needed. I felt encouraged and started to do more research on the bible and whether it was true or not. I found out everything, including the flood, is historically accurate. The bible does explain things like why evil is here, so I was able to answer the question of evil (free will).
I was also able to defend God by stating that humans are clearly different than other animals. We wear clothes, we rule the earth, we can train and test on other animals, we shop, go to school, and have couts, but no other animals do that. We are different, and that wouldn’t make sense if we were just animals, or just made by mistake. Science or evolution has no way of explaining why we are that way. So I was able to grow in faith, defend my beliefs, and still get an A in the course, thus a $5000 scholarship ^_^
So I got baptized with more confidence in God than I ever had before. I knew for sure He and the word was true, and I was excited for this new start. I was eager to build a deeper relationship with Him. But thanks to my church’s beliefs, I felt that our relationship depended on how good I was, how well I kept the law.
I would read the bible and find more and more commands that I felt I should keep, thus falling deeper into legalism. It wasn’t all bad at first. I adopted some good morals, like learning to take accountability and actually apologize to people, along with forgiving those who hurt me and moving on. I also took the advice of Proverbs to not put things off for tomorrow, don’t boast about tomorrow, thus, I would do all I can the same day, never procrastinating. I wanted to work hard and do everything to the best of my abilities, as the bible commanded.
But then other laws also led me deeper and deeper into condemnation. I’d feel bad about eating a gummy bear or marshmallow, cause it had gelatin which was pork, for example. The temptation was certainly higher for some reason. Maybe I’d be working on a project and kept working a bit after sunset on Friday, so I’d feel condemned about breaking the Sabbath. The white lies I told, the fights I had with my mom, not giving enough of a tithe/offering…there was a huge burden on my shoulder. I always felt I was disappointing God.
I was also very confused about the Sabbath. The old testament was clear about keeping it and the law, but the new testament talked a lot about being saved by faith and not being under the law anymore. I didn’t mind keeping the Sabbath, and I couldn’t understand why anyone would want to break or ignore God’s commandments anyways…if it meant something to Him then, He doesn’t change, right? There’s a reason for all His laws, like pigs are actually dirty animals and aren’t that healthy for us.
But I also get that Jesus died for my sins. I’m either saved by faith or works, it can’t be both logically. Obviously, faith is better, but does that mean we can do whatever we wanna do? SDAs would claim Sunday keepers would go to hell, and that never sat right with me. I knew some who were definitely better Christians than me, but I still didn’t get why they were so dismissive of God’s law. “If you love Him, keep His commandments”. AHHH!!!! I couldn’t figure it out!!
Dating Disasters & Distancing Myself From Church/God (2013-2016)
I never came to a conclusion on that matter before something else came up: Boys. I had my first kiss by accident, like a K-drama. I was even saving my first kiss for marriage cause of some book our church gave us on purity, but it did light a curiosity in me, and I wanted to experience it more. I suddenly desired to be held and loved by a man, and that was a big deal for me.
Since high school, I decided I would stay single for life and proudly proclaimed that decision at school and at home. I already didn’t care to have kids, but now I didn’t see a reason for a husband. I never had any good man in my life to begin with. My father cheated many times and didn’t pay child support, my brother was physically and verbally abusive and I was terrified of him, I was groomed and sexually harassed by a family friend at 13, etc etc. There was no appeal to me. I was happily independent.
However, I never had any serious or long-term dating experiences up to this point. Before making that announcement, all I had was 3 guys in my high school days who told me they liked me, and I gave them a chance, and like…nothing really happened besides talking and maybe hand holding. They didn’t put any effort in nor made me feel special, so I ended it within a few weeks. The few guy friends I had a crush on and confessed to friendzoned me (yes, girls get friendzoned too).
But now I wondered if there was a good guy out there for me…one who would love me wholly, be dedicated to me only, who wouldn’t hurt me and would even protect me…..a biblical husband that I could submit to and support….and I went on a 3 year dating spree between 2013 when I had my first kiss and 2016 when I ended my only serious long-term relationship.
The first guy was an online friend in America who I met through a Digimon Facebook group, and I liked just talking to him as a friend. He was white, and had a black girlfriend of 4 years that he planned to marry…but he started falling for him. I told him to stay with her, especially with the distance, but he seemed serious about it. He was bi-polar and had depression…he was also extremely jealous, so he didn’t even want me talking to another guy. He also owned guns btw, not a good mix. He did end up visiting for the holidays, but he was very unhygienic. And I mean, he smelled, hole in clothes, plaque in teeth, and I lost all interest. He did go back to his ex, as I predicted and worried about throughout.
Being a homebody, not interested in clubs and bars, and still being a broke college student, I decided to try online dating to find local singles. But it’s true what they say: Girls without their father’s in their life and girls that are desperate for love are targets for the worst of the worst. Even though I’d read profiles, ask the hard questions, and talk to them quite a bit before meeting them, many of them were liars and/or mentally ill.
I only wanted to kiss, but they were so eager to touch and take things further, even on the first date…If you could even call half of them dates. They were usually too broke to take me anywhere. I really didn’t have any standards being broke myself, I just wanted someone I could connect with. I knew people could always change and grow, we were still young after all. I just wanted his love and attention, usually in the form of availability to message me throughout the day, but I couldn’t even get that.
I always wanna give and do things that make the other person happy, but guys would take advantage of that kind of heart. Don’t worry though, once I know a relationship won’t lead to a life-long happy marriage, I would end it cause I didn’t see the point of dating otherwise. Even if we were only together for a couple weeks, I wasn’t going to waste my time. Regardless, even in the few days or weeks I would talk to them, I would go full girlfriend mode, giving it my all, and being a little too open and trusting, and they would hurt, use, or traumatize me.
I eventually lost my virginity trying to please a guy who was super manipulative. I passed his catfish test (he used fake photos. He was Asian, so I declined his profile thinking they’re not interested in black people, but he messaged me first. Maybe a couple days later, he revealed his real face, he was average, had acne, my height, but I didn’t mind. I’m not shallow, so I kept talking, and I was the first to do so), and he started to love bomb me you could say.
We talked for a few weeks and he seemed to have really loved me and everything about me. He claimed to make a lot of money, and he had a car as well, but again, that didn’t matter to me. He said he had a week off, so he wanted to spend it with me, and somehow, he had me promise to have sex with him on our first date. He said he was a virgin so he wanted us to be each other’s first. I don’t know how he got me to agree, but I followed through on my promise, as I always do.
The same night, I was feeling really bad and told him how I felt, and he did a full 180 and became verbally abusive. I knew I f*cked up, but I felt this was my punishment. God wouldn’t want me anymore anyways. This was definitely one of the lowest moments in my life, and I didn’t really have anyone I could talk to about it either.
I did stick it out for a couple months, and it only went from bad to worse. I even found out he lied about things being his first kiss and time. He didn’t have phone service, so I could only talk to him when he had WIFI, and may not even know where he is or if he’s still coming. He stood me up for my birthday and my college graduation as well. I felt like I was trapped with him. But then, I was raped by a family friend. As traumatizing as that was, it allowed me to break free as he wasn’t my ‘one and only’ anymore.
Also note that I finished college in December, but didn’t graduate until June. I searched for a job but not luck, so I was super grateful to get my first job….cleaning during the Pan Am games (2015). One white guy I met online was a true gentleman and romantic. He would write my poems and didn’t seem to mind my dirty past. We met one time, in which he took the train to my city, took me on a real date, met my mom and got us an internet stick, and we spent the night in a hotel. All was well…
Well, kinda. He did have a bit of a temper…not with me, but my past and my stories would piss him off. He accepted me and my past, but didn’t want to hear it, put it that way. But I really wanted to be open and ensure my potential life-long partner knew everything ahead of time, so we could move on together. I wouldn’t want something else coming up that he was unaware of, and have that cause more issues or drama later. So I tried sharing one more time, he hurt his hand punching some equipment, and he just broke up with me saying it was too much for him, and ghosted me.
Now, regarding church life, my attendance was up and down. It never felt like a home for me. All the kids went to private Adventist school, so they saw each other every single day cause there was Church on Saturday and Pathfinder scouts on Sunday. They may only see me 1-3 times a month. Additionally, the church was very black, and as I said earlier, I never really fit in with black people.
When my parents separated, my family didn’t have a car, so we naturally didn’t go as often in the winter. And then my sister was born, so my mom was often too tired to get everyone ready and make the trip. At 13, I was a leader in training for their summer camp, and 14-16, I was in Pathfinders, so I got used to going to church on my own. After playing a song on piano for a service (didn’t go that well btw), I was nominated to help with A/V and went more regularly when I was 18-19, even helping one summer for Vacation Bible School.
But now that I stared to work, I was quite tired by Saturday to wake up early to go. I only went for the song service and sermon, and even then, I often felt I could learn more at home on my own. And then, after this whole boyfriend fiasco, I also didn’t feel pure or holy enough to even go to church.
My church was known to gossip. I couldn’t wear a dress again for a while cause people would talk, according to my mom. I know news went around when my parents separated as well. They would judge the guest cause her skirt was too short, and my cousin also didn’t feel welcomed as he was confronted about his earrings and tattoos. Obviously, I wasn’t going to tell anyone about my situation, cause I know how they would react.
But then, I was personally hurt by the church. I went to church on my own one day, and a guest preacher came in. His whole sermon was bringing up statistics to say that ‘kids who have divorced parents, who live in bad neighbourhoods, who are from low-income families, who don’t go to Adventist school etc etc were bound to be bad kids’….like ouch, thanks for describing my life. His opinion was one thing, but seeing everyone else nod their head and say amen in agreement really broke my heart. I started tearing up and just had to leave before it was over.
After that, I was just too focused on work. My mom struggled so much that we didn’t have internet, cable, cell phones were being cut off every other month, and eviction notices were also quite frequent. Even when I was still in school and had no income, she would ask to borrow off my credit card. It brought me great anxiety because I was always money cautious thanks to shows like ‘Til Debt Do Us Part’ and didn’t want to ruin my credit score. I knew I had to work hard if I wanted to be financially stable. Additionally, I was just too tired after a week of work to wake up early for church on Saturday.
So after the toxic relationship, I only had it in me to try one more time. I became good friends with one Asian guy who I met online months prior. I reached out to him first as he had a Digimon username, and that was my all-time favourite anime.
We both weren’t attracted to each other though. He wanted a white red-head, and I wanted a Christian, but we became good friends and he was an emotional support during my bad experiences. Since he lived downtown, I passed by before my night shift to meet him, and we played video games at his family’s home, and just chilled, had a good time.
He didn’t try anything, so I actually felt safe with him, which is a first with guys honestly. As I said earlier, I tend to have crushes on good guy friends, especially if we have things in common. Now, he too was hoping for his first real relationship, and since we became good friends, I did pitch us trying. With his anxiety and depression, he said he was afraid to commit, but the offer was on the table.
A bit after that, a co-worker who was fun to talk to and joke around with confessed that he liked me. He was a Christian, so I suddenly started thinking about him seriously. He didn’t know about my recent past, but I know how he felt about another girl who was a proud sl#t for lack of better words, so I didn’t feel worthy of him. He would still flirt, but he wouldn’t ask me to be his girlfriend, and I made the mistake of assuming a confession was anything more than that in the past. When we were close to finishing our jobs, he apologized for leading me on, but since he was coming from Whitby and still in school, he didn’t think he could commit to a relationship with me.
So back to the Asian above, I said we can try again. And he was more open at this point….but he wanted to get his virginity out of the way first. It felt like I was being used again, but I didn’t even care at that point. I lost all respect for myself. I just wanted a real relationship experience, was that too much to ask? So we did it…and I think I broke down crying in his room cause I was feeling like a fool, but he did ask me to be his girlfriend then. The rest of the relationship was cute and sweet, we had many cute dates after and he did start to really fall for me and love me seriously.
I was able to rebuild my confidence…but he wasn’t a Christian…and he didn’t believe in marriage. He didn’t even defend me against his racist family who really had no reason to hate me (especially cause I actually made him happy and pushed him to get his first job out of college) as he was too anxious to do so. I had to be the strong one/alpha in the relationship, encouraging him when he had his depressing moment, and he would be the one leaning and physically clinging on to me…which isn’t cute at all on the bus haha. The charm wore off and I broke up with him.
My curiosity for dating and finding the right guy was gone (for the record, I probably dated about 8 black guys, 3 white guys, and 2 Asians….they all suck). So now, I was just going to focus on myself….well, me and my friends. Since guys were no longer the priority, I had a lot more energy and time to invest in my friendships, so I would support, encourage, and invite them out.
Pursuing Peace, Dreams & Life Satisfaction (2018-2022)
In 2017, as I thought about all the kids who died in my area, and how many have diseases and can’t do anything, I realized I was taking my life for granted. The Japanese drama 1 Litre of Tears also broke my heart. If I lost a limb or got cancer, I would hate myself for not doing all I wanted to while I was healthy and capable. I also didn’t wanna grow up miserable or die with regrets, so I started crossing things off on my bucket list, starting with a solo trip to Japan, as friends were always too busy or broke to do so.
I was certainly terrified as I watched too much Discovery Channel MayDay, and I knew Japan was prone to earthquakes and tsunamis, but I would always feel envy when I heard of others going. So I went. I prayed a lot and faced my fears, but God bringing me back safely built a lot of new confidence in me, so I did a couple other solo trips, like Halifax (East Coast) and Yellowknife (Up North, got to see the Aurora). Took a leap of faith to pursue my true childhood dream job, did other activities like indoor skydiving, went to my first concert, etc all before the pandemic in 2020.
And even after, I focused on pursuing my band dream, moved out and finally got my own room, started blogging and so on. That was how I kept myself occupied until this moment in 2023 where I was confronted by God.
My True Born-Again Moment & The Aftermath
*Correction: Baptized in the Holy Spirit Moment*
So back to the band, talking to my singer in late 2022 woke me up to the knowledge and reality of demons. I was very carnally minded as I never had any supernatural experiences, but biblically, it is true and now I had a bit more of an understanding of how they worked, and how sin could open doors to them. Ironically, even on some popular Instagram news pages, they shared a clip of how a girl talked about how fornication can open doors to demons, so the timing was crazy.
All in all, knowing about this made me wanna run back to God. I read horoscopes casually, I participated in yoga now and then, tried to meditate to learn telekinesis and telepathy, I knew a girl at the church camp I volunteered for that said she saw ghosts there, had a classmate confide in me that she was a medium but I never consulted in her, but yeah like…I definitely could have come across some very scary things, but God has had grace on me, and I was so thankful.
A bit after waking up to these things, I was volunteering for Dolly’s spooky Christmas event. I never celebrated Halloween growing up, so it was interesting meeting someone like Dolly who’d wear gothic and spooky stuff all year long. She was more on the cutesy kawaii side when I danced with her group in 2019, but they were now ‘magical monsters’. I did the door and only wore a Santa hat at this event.
But knowing what I know now, hearing the lyrics for the songs (including Dolly’s own songs which include ‘worship me’), all the weapons, skull and blood decorations, and the concept of it all, I had this thought that “I probably shouldn’t be here”. As much as I wanted to give everything the benefit of the doubt, it definitely wasn’t praising God in any way, ya know? There’s no grey line, you’re either for God or against Him.
She invited a drag queen after I agreed to help, so that was my first drag show. It was crazy seeing how much people were really into it and were even fans of the main star (after the show, i bumped into him and his guest at Arby’s and we chatted for an hour til my cousin picked me up. I treat everyone the same as I said before. Everyone here is really sweet, but I don’t condone what they do because of the bible).
They had some music in the background throughout, but after karaoke in which the projector was on, I saw that the songs were from some band that would have the Baphomet (Satan) symbol as their album cover…..I definitely shouldn’t be here. While I’m super thankful to Dolly for giving my band our only real full band opportunity and I loved helping her out, I told her after that that I probably won’t attend future events because of this. She understood and was always worried as she knew I was a Christian, and we’re still cool, but I really don’t want to be close to those who promote evil things.
So around new years, I was crying out to God. It’s been almost a decade since I truly felt close to him. I knew His arms were ready for me to run back to, like the prodigal son. I was so thanful for the grace He had on me. And when I thought about my family who I couldn’t open up to or rely on, the guys that didn’t really love me but used and abused me, or the friends who were once close but got to busy or too involved with their own relationships, I realized God was the only one that truly loved me for all that I was and was always there.
I was hoping that we could just continue where we left off, when I was still ‘pure’…but I had too much guilt. I tried to say I wasn’t as bad as others, but I was worse cause I knew the law and still broke it, sometimes multiple times. Taking stationary without asing from old jobs, fornicating countless times, arguing with my mom….I didn’t worship another god or pursue another religion…but I had my idols: my work, my possessions, my blog, my boyfriends….every commandment, by Jesus’s standards, I broke in some way or form.
I tried to defend myself, but I had no excuse. I tried to compare myself to worse people, but I knew better and still broke the law. I wasn’t as good as I thought I was. I didn’t keep the law as well as I thought I did. I was hopeless and was destined for hell. It felt like my world was crashing down.
As I was crying in bed thinking of the enmity God had would or should have with me and the punishment I deserved, only then did I think about Jesus and His sacrifice seriously. He died on the cross for my sins…He took my place, right? Only he could save me. I can’t depend on myself or my works, only a perfect sacrifice could grant me salvation. He was my only hope, and I wanted to believe He was enough.
The next morning, I woke up and I just felt….different. There was this peace, this quietness. Normally, I’d play Jmusic first thing, but I just wanted silence. My mind was usually filled with dirty thoughts and fantasies, but my mind was swept clean, and God was the only thing on it. I knew I was reborn, and I wanted to protect that feeling. I also had this deep spiritual hunger, I was legitimately starving for God.
So the first 5 months of my journey, I was on fire…and I still am on fire, but man, I was on FIRE. I was reading my bible more fervently, and I was watching countless videos to help correct my bad doctrine, to learn more about Israel’s history and the false gods around them, about demons and spiritual warfare, about witchcraft and new age lies, about the powers around us trying to deceive and make us independent of God, about the elites behind our currencies, about the technology available for the mark of the beast system, EVERYTHING!
I had a deep sensitivity to God’s heart. Even if I didn’t feel convicted by the Holy Spirit to give up something, logically since it was anti-god in some way, and/or because I cared about His feelings in regards to idolatry and sin, I’d give it up anyways, like Japanese music and anime. I’d still finish a series I started (like Attack on Titan which I’ve been watching since 2014/Season 1. I just HAD to see how it ended), or I’d agree to watch a very lighthearted slice-of-life/romance with my cousin/roommate, but I fully indulge in Christian content otherwise, because I don’t want to grieve the Holy Spirit in any way.
There were things I was ignorant about like horoscopes. Knowing now it’s divination, I would never identify myself as a Gemini again. Yoga was a Hindu practice to yoke yourself with their gods? Hell no. Even if it’s on my Wii Fit game, I won’t play it again. Christmas is pagan? Christmas trees was directly mentioned in Jeremiah 10, and boy I’ve set up a lot in my life, even by myself, but never again.
I bought some pretty stones from what I now know is a new age shop (they come with paper saying their meanings) and I threw them out. One of my costumes for a gig was labeled as a ‘shrine fox’ on Amazon. I got it to match my bandmates who wanted to do an Inuyasha theme. Shrines really meant nothing to me when I figured false gods don’t exist, and it’s just a cultural place, but now that I know about Japan’s religious history, I fully repent and got rid of it.
I got this bubble tea pin at one of Dolly’s Spooky Markets that I helped her grab some last minute supplies for. It was cute and matched my band aesthetic, but then a dance mate was like ‘oh! You got the bisexual pin’…..I never wore it, but it was there. I was asking the Holy Spirit about it, and I just felt intense shivers up my arm as I held it. I did research on the brand, GrrrSpells (ironically), and her profile is full of occultic symbols, crystals, skulls, she got tarot card pins and such too. Anything in my room that wouldn’t please God or make my room comfortable for His presence had to go! I’m not playing these games!
As mentioned earlier, the singer kept pushing for us to make a band again, and part of my resistance was wanting to stay focused on God, but I wanted to support her and also improve in my guitar skills, so we did that between April and August the same year. I would only listen to the songs on our playlist, but even then, I became more aware of how anti-god the songs are, and I write about that in detail in this article. I told God that after the festival, I wouldn’t play guitar again unless for Him.
Especially because I truly felt the end was near based on Matthew 24 with wars and rumors of wars, earthquakes in diverse places, false prophets etc. 2 Timothy 3 also talks about how evil and selfish people will be, and the amount of crime, whether it’s random stabbings on the TTC, store robberies or car thefts, it was crazy! And parents clearly had no control of their children. Kids didn’t repsect their elders or teachers. The world is really in a bad place, and it’s not going to change back.
I also learned more about all the governments are doing behind the scenes. I now believe Covid-19 was planned to help push us into a more digital landscape so they could gain more control. The World Economic Forum is pushing the Great Reset, the United Nations with their Sustainable Development Goals….they’re all in on creating a world that will promote the Anti-Christ!
And when America’s debt bubble bursts and BRICS takes over, we’re definitely going to be forced into a digital currency which would be tied to us. Just like in China, you’re going to have a social credit score, and if you do good, you’ll get more priviledges, if you do bad, you’ll be hated, your money will be stopped, and you can’t even travel anywhere. There’s cameras and monitors everywhere. All the technology needed is already there for a world like that.
As the world continues to promote the LGBT, BLM, and Feminist communities, the Christian community which was famously known as a straight, white, male-dominated religion continues to be silenced and get more hate. Laws are already in place in Canada to sentence and jail individuals for saying anything against them. The persecution is only intensifying.
I was actually preparing mentally and spiritually to endure the tribulation and be persecuted for my faith cause I know I’m a coward. Trust me, I bought a lot of things to prep, tents, fire starters, radios with lights, and of course food. I prayed every night for the courage to stand and die for my faith, and also mentally thinking about how to even survive 7 years if I lost my home, was starving, dealing with other natural disasters or wars….It’s not possible btw. There’s no place to run, water will be poisoned, forests will be burnt down, thus why the mark of the beast system will be so successful.
But just as I was at least getting comfortable with the concept of survival and persecution, I came across the doctrine of the rapture. The SDA church didn’t believe in it, so I really didn’t know anything about it…..and I didn’t want to put my hope in it if it doesn’t happen either. I don’t think anything would crush my spirit more than that.
But after seeing the verses, watching videos on both sides of the arguments, and praying a lot about it, I came to believe in it and it just brought me so much hope and peace ;_____; Like wow, God really does love us that much! He said not to worry about the future and be anxious for nothing because He has plans to protect us, especially from the worst time in earth and man’s history. If we’re saved by faith alone, we have nothing to prove by being here anyways. And we, His saints (who will be like angels) are coming back to reign the same time He does! (Luke 20:35-36, Jude 1:14-15, Revelation 19)
This testing period (Jacob’s trouble – Jeremiah 30:7) isn’t for God’s people, the bride of Christ. Just like with Lot and Noah, He always removes His people before pouring out this wrath. Enoch was raptured, so it’s not out of the question. Revelation 3:10 even says “Because thou hast kept the word of My patience, I will also keep thee from the hour of temptation, which shall come upon all the world to try them that dwell upon the earth.”
If anything, as I continued to watch the world and tell people about the time we are living in, it became more clear that unless something crazy like the rapture happens, people won’t realize it’s the end. They’ll say that wars, famines, etc has always happened. People thought Jesus was coming before and it didn’t happen (the infamous mockers and scoffers of 2 Peter 3:4). Matthew 24:38 even says that, like the days of Noah, people will be drinking and marrying until that day. I find it funny that news outlets are also accepting and pushing the alien narrative, so they’ll have an excuse for why people disappeared.
But what about my friends and family? I wanted to get them on the ark! Everyone already knew I was a Christian. I had quite a few LGBT friends who also knew I was a Christian and even knew my views on their relationships, but I treat everybody the same. As long as you’re kind and we got things in common, we could be friends. My faith was never a cause for division…But I guess I never really went out of my way to present it or convince them about Christianity, at least not since I got out of school, and boy, it did not go well.
Many were just not interested to hear anything about it. There were some that I was pretty sure that came from a Christian home, but they were queer and didn’t care to believe in a faith that didn’t agree with their orientation. Some were triggered because of some traumatic history regarding their faith or church, and it was actually a lil scary seeing them reach that way as all my friends are pretty calm people. I was also talking regularly to some musicians I’ve met, but once I brought religion up, they’ve since ghosted me.
I wasn’t surprised since the bible said that would happen but…it was shocking since I had very open and deep relationships and conversations with these people, ones where we could share anything and not be judged by the other. So to see people get triggered and avoid me, it just made this spiritual battle more real to me. I had to learn more, understand more, and prepare more. Once technology crashes or some natural disaster hits my city, there won’t be a chance to prepare then.
Either way, I’m choosing God. He was more important to me than anyone else. He loves me more than anybody else, and I wanted to love Him as much as I could in return. Even if most Christians are lukewarm and worldly, I wanted to grow in righteousness and holiness. His ways are perfect and I know they are what’s best for me.
Nothing else really matters in this day and age. I know the hour is late, so I didn’t want to be distracted with work, hobbies, friends, etc. If someone wasn’t on this walk with me, then I’d distance myself from them. I’ve had to do and pursue many things alone, and I guess I’ll have to do go on this journey alone too. The path truly is narrow and strait. The prophets, like Jeremiah, were often alone too, but they were in the right, or at least right with God~
*I added an edit a month after writing this. As I look back, I did always believe in God and Jesus, and it was based on a biblical view of who God is. Realizing I have had spiritual gifts like knowledge and wisdom from youth made me realize I was more likely saved as a child and have been growing in the understanding of God this whole time. What I experienced in 2023 was actually the ‘baptism of the Holy Spirit’ which prepares me more for ministry, similar to what you see happening in Acts to the apostles/disciples. I did truly have a new heart and mind, and only put my full faith in Jesus for my salvation at that moment, so I really thought it was a born again moment like new believers tend to have…. but if ‘believing in God/Jesus’ is what saves, and signs like conviction of sin is present, then looking back, I was saved before my consciousness and memory really kicked in. I always recalled believing in God and desiring to follow Him, and He led me and taught me this whole time through His word. He truly made me who I am and orchestrated my life. While my parents and church are certainly flawed, I am thankful to have grown up with the bible, with beautiful hymns/songs, with God’s law, and the prayers of those around me, to have lived a life with the knowledge of God and His covering over my life*.
Realizing I Grew Up In A False Church/Cult
Regardless, I was lonely. While I didn’t care for church fellowship in the past since they weren’t people I’d want to be friends with and I learned a lot more on my own with my bible, my spirit was crying out to be around and connected to other believers, to be encouraged and edified by them. So for my birthday resolution in June 2023, I said I would go back to church.
I heard so many bad things about Sunday Churches, and it’s just weird even thinking about it since I always went to church on Saturday. Sunday was the one day I had to run errands or see my family. I was aware of some SDA doctrine was wrong at this point, but I figured they still read their bible and genuinely want to obey God, so it’s still a safer bet. I did still pray about it, but I didn’t have any negative feelings about it. I decided to go to the SDA church closest to where I moved to, one I visited a few times as a child as my closest cousin went there.
The first day, I said ‘hi’ to a couple older familiar faces. I also conversed with a girl who sat beside me who only started coming a couple weeks prior. She was a Chinese immigrant who was new to all things Christian, and she was invited by the guy who was doing the Sabbath school lesson in our section of the room. He apparently ran the in-person, mid-week, every other week bible study that took place every other week, so she invited me to come, and I went.
There was only about 6 of us in this bible study, the teacher, her and I, the main pastor, and 2 other older black guys. The discussion was good, I have a lot of insight to share. But then the teacher said that hell was temporary, and I was like ‘uhh, where’d you get that from?’ He started to explain the concept, but I asked for verses. I forgot what he used, but I wasn’t satisfied, and I asked what about this or that verse, and we both argued about it for a bit.
The pastor actually perked up and actually said ‘this is exciting!’ He apparently came from an atheistic and catholic background, he studied a lot of denominations, and was still quite open to changing his views, so that was encouraging. Afterwards, the 2 other guys also told me to keep asking questions, so it gave me hope that the church was open to correction and I was allowed to challenge what seemed off.
But man, it just got worse over the weeks. The whole SDA denomination just happened to be covering Revelation that quarter, so they would often have ‘quarterlies’ which were books for everyone to go through together. And let’s just say, the false doctrine became very noticeable very quickly, such as Sabbath being the seal of God (instead of the Holy Spirit, Ephesians 1:13, 4:30, 2 Corinthians 1:22), the investigative judgement that started in 1844, and how they didn’t believe Jesus was going to reign on the earth, things that I’ve come to know are very true biblically.
A couple weeks later, I started attending the youth Sabbath School which had their own room. It was a little awkward initially as I was clearly new, but no one bothered to talk to me. Regardless, I contributed to the lesson and connected with people later on. Unlike the adult classes, they were going through Leviticus, so we were going even deeper into the law. The class probably had about 16-18 members, including a youth pastor, and I was intrigued by the answers and passion of 3-4 people there.
But by the second or third class, I could see just how depressing the SDA view as. When asked “what we could do to live out the Word and be more like Christ”, the most they could come up with was “keep the law”.
Where’s the love for the lost? The zeal to spread the word? The courage to fight spiritual powers of darkness? The search for God’s heart and His presence? Oh yeah…they don’t believe God speaks anymore. They don’t believe spiritual gifts exist anymore. It really is all about the law to them…even though they don’t keep the law well at all. The Old Testament/Torah has 613 laws, but they only really observe the 10 commandments and food laws.
And even then, they don’t keep the Sabbath well since they would ignite a fire in their car and travel far, which was forbidden. They don’t celebrate other Sabbaths like the Appointed Feasts (Passover, Pentecost, Tabernacles), nor did they keep the year-long jubilee Sabbaths. They don’t even talk about circumcision which was the original sign between Jew and Gentile! Galatians 3:10 says “For all who rely on works of the law are under a curse; for it is written, “Cursed be everyone who does not abide by all things written in the Book of the Law, and do them.”
I also joined the bigger weekly online bible study on Saturday evenings which had more elders and leaders, me being the youngest. They were reading through 1 Thessalonians, and I had a lot of agreeable comments and insight for the first few weeks. When it comes to biblical discussions, with my history in philosophy, studying apologetics and theology, binging lots of content and sermons, and of course the Holy Spirit bringing revelation, trust me, I got a lot to share.
But then came the main rapture verse, 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17 “For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be ‘caught up’ (‘harpazo’ = rapture) together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord.”
People shared their views and thoughts, how Jesus will take us away to heaven (obviously), but no one really had anything interesting or insightful to say about it. I knew they didn’t believe in the rapture, but I decided to ask about their thoughts cause clearly, I like problems lol I love how a handful of them responded in unison “There is no secret rapture!” And I’m like “Who said it was secret?” (There’s a trumpet after all, and the world would obviously notice people missing).
The elder started to argue against it, but I brought up other verses to support the idea, mainly that Jesus had to fulfill old testament prophecy to become king of Israel and be a light to the world….but then they informed me that they didn’t believe Jesus will reign on earth, which was news to me. I really started to question what the SDA church actually believes.
Either way, ‘due to time’, they were going to have the main elder talk to me privately. Thankfully, others spoke up and said they were interested in the rapture topic, so they extended the bible study a few more weeks to cover the topic of the rapture. That gave me a little hope because it made me feel that not everyone was blindly following SDA doctrine. Perhaps they found some discrepancies themselves, but they didn’t have the guts to question anything.
The pastor wasn’t there that week as he was away for a conference, so I emailed him about what happened, knowing he’s the only open minded guy in power that respected me and what I had to say.
I started doing more research on the SDA beliefs and how they came to these conclusions, and boy, I didn’t expect our beliefs to be so flawed. I then wrote a long document (22 pages) with summaries of what the bible really teaches and countless chapters of verses that clearly go against their teachings. I sent it to him to send to others, and he did forward it to the elder who was mostly in charge of the study, but it was clear the elder didn’t read it.
When the bible study started on the rapture, I thought we would just continue in a conversation manner as we have been doing, but instead, the elder created a basic PowerPoint to teach everyone the SDA views on end times and that the rapture wasn’t biblical, not really using any verses, and not really leaving space for questions. He tried to mock the 7-year tribulation, saying “he doesn’t know how people came up with that”, and I’m like “uhh, if you read my document, there’s this verse that says 1,260 days which is 42 months, 3.5 years and this….” but then they’d cut me off saying this isn’t the place for that cause of time *eye roll*.
I just knew I couldn’t stay at this church if they weren’t open to learning or teaching the truth. At the beginning of one meeting, they were mocking Sunday people who follow their leaders blindly, I think something else happened with TD Jakes, a very popular unbiblical pastor….and I’m here thinking, you guys do the exact same thing with Ellen G. White. The pride was very high and noticeable, and I was both frustrated and brokenhearted at the same time. I’m young and new, and it was clear the pastor was a coward who the elders could bully.
There’s just this mob mentality, and anyone who doesn’t align with them will be targeted and stomped down. And since all churches are connected, you better bet that news will spread. And yes, my mom heard something about it, and she who gossips like everybody else even told my aunt about it (I know, as my lil guitar cousin who comes by told me what she heard about it). There’s a lady in that study who said she knew my father, and I immediately said I don’t talk to him….I wouldn’t be surprised if she reported back to him anyways.
At one point, I argued and asked about promises regarding Israel, and they said “Israel didn’t matter. They sinned and lost their right as God’s people, so the church replaced them”. I already knew this was going to be my last meeting with them, so I stayed pretty quiet, but at the end, I read quite a bit from Romans 11, starting with verse 25 “For I do not desire, brethren, that you should be ignorant of this mystery, lest you should be wise in your own opinion, that blindness in part has happened to Israel until the fullness of the Gentiles has come in…” and I never spoke to them again.
They were a cult, and it was very humbling because I truly did believe and stand up for them out of ignorance. I thought it was just a church that wanted to keep the commands well, and Jesus did tell us ‘if we love Him, keep His commandments’ (John 14:15)…but this was much deeper, and more demonic than I ever thought possible. They taught a different Jesus and a different gospel which the bible warns against in 2 Corinthians 11:4. I felt God allowed me to go back there so I could see for myself just how unbiblical they are and truly reject it, and even warn others about it.
Ellen G. White, the founder, was considered a prophetess and had many visions and dreams that contributed to their doctrine…but she is a known false prophet with many false prophecies. She also really pushed a vegetarian diet because that’s what Adam and Eve had, regardless of God allowing the consumption of meat throughout the bible. She condemns drugs, alcohol and caffeine. She even claimed that certain foods could lead to diseases and sinful issues. [If you didn’t know Kellogg’s Corn Flakes was made to combat sexual urges. The Kellogg brothers were being directly mentored by Ellen and her husband.]
Ellen believed and taught that Jesus was an angel, the brother of lucifer, and how Lucifer got jealous when Jesus was elevated to God status, and thus war broke out and Satan’s angels were cast out and so on. This is all her book called “The Great Controversy”, which I never read, and the church branch I grew up in didn’t preach from her books, but this branch did and many others do. The in-person bible teacher was obsessed with Ellen and said her books changed him and made him Adventist. Don’t let Adventists tell you they are ‘sola scriptura’, cause it gets worse….
Ellen doesn’t believe He paid for all our sins at the cross, but instead, He took His blood to the heavenly sanctuary to clean it (A misinterpretation/twisting of Daniel 8:14). And since 1844, which was when William Miller’s prophecy of Jesus’s return failed, she claimed that Jesus simply moved from the holy place to the most holy place in the heavenly sanctuary, and is now doing some investigative judgement to see who will be part of the 144,000. Only those who pass the test will have their sins forgiven.
The Seventh-Day Adventist gospel is not the pure, true gospel of Christ dying for us on the cross to die for our sins. It is the “Three Angels Messages”. Adventists even have a channel, 3ABN = 3 Angels Broadcasting Network. They believe the Sabbath is the seal, and that the Pope aka the Anti-Christ will enforce Sunday worship, and thus is the mark of the beast. That is why many Adventist can’t give you a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer on whether Sabbath-keeping is necessary to be saved. Their teachings don’t align with the bible. THEY ARE A CULT. DO NOT FALL FOR IT!
The SDA church may now believe in the trinity, but other beliefs and views are still tainted due to their false prophetess. I’m so thankful there are already ex-Adventists out there making detailed content like Answering Adventism channel and Former Adventist podcast, along with other Youtubers and preachers that call out this church because they’ve gone undercover as ‘true Christians’ for too long.
I know Adventists are still condemning others and pushing them to live under the law, making them question their salvation and lose the joy and hope they had in Jesus’s sacrifice. Again, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to keep God’s law, I still keep the Sabbath because I treasure having a day of rest where I could focus on God, but I know it has no weight on my salvation cause I’m saved by faith alone. The SDA church; however, will say differently because they are rooted in demonic origins and backed by twisted verses.
I tried to tell my mom about all this, but she would shut it down and defend them. She didn’t even care to hear the verses or watch anything I sent her. She’s never been one to listen to me or value my views if they were different from her anyways. She would get loud, shut me down, or play victim for any issue I brought to her, such as how unfair chore distribution was between me and my siblings. I thought as I got older, she’d respect my views and opinions, but that did not end up being the case.
It’s one thing to not believe me, it’s another to reject biblical truth from the same bible she reads everyday. I was flabbergasted that a so-called Christian wasn’t interested in learning more. She’d instead say ‘God will wink at her ignorance’, which is taking Acts 17:30 (“And the times of this ignorance God winked at; but now commanded all men every where to repent”) highly out of context. The bible tells us to seek truth, to be corrected, to gain knowledge and wisdom, but she was fine where she was.
I was so frustrated initially, I kept trying to get her to understand, but she didn’t seem to care. She’d even mock and scoff that the rapture was soon despite the signs, saying he won’t come for 1000s of years. The last time I tried to wake her up was thanksgiving 2023 (Canada), just after Israel got attacked on October 7th. I said this was prophecy and WWIII was around the corner, all these countries already had beef with each other…and she just shrugged, cause wars always happen. I just let it go. God said to let the ignorant be ignorant (1 Corinthians 14:38). I can only pray for her.
We have a family pastor, the same one who baptized me both times, and has been a close friend and help for my mom, especially when my parents divorced and she needed rides to court and so on. He’d actually come by to chill, eat, play card games with me etc. When my mother and I had serious fights, he’d be a mediator, and he actually believed and understood my views, cause he knows I’m not crazy and can see it himself. He’s really the only pastor that was approachable and loved by everyone cause he was open, humble, and funny.
My mom told him about this, so he texted me asking what’s up. I texted quite a bit of my discoveries regarding the SDA church, but he said he doesn’t have time to read it, but was open to a call. At this point, I was tired and done with arguing with these people. He’s a pastor, so he’s either going to stand by them in ignorance like everyone else does, or he knows the truth and doesn’t really believe their teachings, yet still chooses to associate with them and preach there. I didn’t see a conversation with him being fruitful in anyway, so I didn’t bother following up about a call, and he didn’t follow up either.
After or before all this, I was talking to my unofficial grandma, an old lady who lived in the same building and was close to my mom, would call me for tech support and sometimes give us pocket change. Since I moved, she’d call now and then to check in. She is a lovely lady, loves her bible, has many Christian books, strict vegetarian etc. She, like our family pastor, also respected me as a person and believed me when it came to fights with my mom, and even my views to stay single.
Now, she didn’t celebrate Christmas. I did defend it as I loved it, andd thought my intentions was what was important, but I watched videos about it’s pagan origins. I was aware it was pagan, but I didn’t know about demons and false gods and how much God hated them until now, and I cared about God’s feelings. So I told her about this, and she was happy.
Another day, I was talking about the rapture, and was pleasantly surprised that she believed in it since she generally aligns with SDA views. So I was ranting about how the word ‘rapture’ isn’t in the bible, but the concept is. I then went to say how ‘the trinity’ isn’t in the bible either, and she cut in to say how she doesn’t believe in that. ……I was going to say “‘trinity’ isn’t but ‘the Godhead’ is”. It’s definitely biblical, so I was shocked and asked her why doesn’t she believe in that??
And she said how ‘Jesus was an angel, and was elevated to god status’. She only believes in God the Father and God the Son, and says the Holy Spirit is just spirit (as if they’re not all spirits and persons). I asked here ‘where in the bible does it say this?’ She had no choice but to bring up Ellen G White. I’m like, ‘you know she’s a false prophetess, right?’, but she started to defend her saying not to touch one of God’s anointed. I’m like, she’s not anointed though, she’s crazy (Ellen had a bad concussion as a kid btw), but she went on to say she’s a true prophet and defend her ignorantly.
I asked if she thought the bible was enough, and what about those who didn’t read Ellen’s books and/or didn’t follow their laws, would they be saved? She couldn’t give a straight answer. Either way, I ended the convo. Not long after, I came across 1 John 5:7 again that says “For there are three that bear record in heaven, the Father, the Word, and the Holy Ghost: and these three are one.” I texted her the verse and asked her opinion, and she didn’t answer. She probably sent some SDA video afterwards, totally avoiding the topic.
A lot of things started to click for me, like why the SDA church always felt so cold and dead. If they believed the Sabbath was the seal, and not the Holy Spirit, obviously there would be no spiritual gifts or fruits of the spirit. They don’t have any real joy or hope because they don’t really believe Jesus paid the price for them. Everyone there is under the law and they’re all keeping up a front, trying to appear righteous like the Pharisees.
Either way, it was a very sad time in my life. Not only did I not have any Christian friends, but even the adults who I grew up thinking were real Christians may not actually be born-again if they don’t believe in the true gospel of grace through faith and refuse to be corrected. Someone with the Holy Ghost would desire to know the truth and have some humility where they are still teachable, but everyone had so much pride and were stuck in their ways. Old wineskins if you will.
It was quite isolating, and I did build up a wall cause I didn’t feel like there were many, if any, true Christians out there. I’ve seen enough videos of all these false churches and false teachers and people who have the title of Christian but aren’t aligned with biblical views nor living righteously. Many have gone apostate or deconstructed. No one wanted to hear or talk about God. I felt like Elijah…but I remembered God told him that He had 7000 faithful servants, so I remained hopeful.
I stopped going to church in mid-July, and after that I just focused on my band’s performances coming up in the following weeks. I did tell God though that after the festival, I wouldn’t play guitar again unless for him. As a rookie, learning Japanese songs with 8-12 chord-long progressions and with not much repeating sections was a lot. It took up a lot of time, and I just wanted to focus on God.
I also just really didn’t care to listen to secular music. The songs on our list was the only music I really listened to at this time. I spend the last 15 years thinking Japanese music was better than Western music. It talked about chasing your dreams, changing the world, being a light and saving others….but it too had an anti-god view, and influenced me to rely only on myself. More on that in this article.
Everything in this world lost appeal to me. If it wasn’t about God, it was temporary, so why bother? Why occupy my heart and thoughts with such futile things? With the Holy Spirit working in me, it wasn’t hard letting go of many things. I was out of the matrix, and I really didn’t care to go back. Worldly conversations bored me, the only thing I cared to learn and talk about was God.
Reconnecting With The Body Of Christ
So after the festival, I really just kept to myself. I would still speak to the singer who would at least listen to all my rants about my findings and my feelings, but she wasn’t interested in converting and couldn’t truly relate or encourage me in my faith. I figured I’ll just wait for the rapture, which I really thought could be September 2023, and more so in October when the war broke out, but I did tell God that if I did see 2024, I would get serious about finding a church again.
Thankfully, one high school friend who I warned early in the year came back with a heart full of love with Jesus, and after testing the spirits, I was so happy to have a true Christian friend! I was able to disciple and encourage her a bit, but she’s usually too busy to have any real conversations. Either way, it was nice to know that my evangelism and preaching wasn’t all in void. People are listening and taking it to heart <3
Another ex-coworker who I’d share and warn had ears to hear and would ask questions. I would bombard her with info since I thought my time was short and I really wanted her to know all she could know if/when she was left behind…but that wasn’t fair to her, especially since she was Chinese and had no real Christian background. She went to a Christian school for a short time, but they really didn’t teach her anything. No one in her family is Christian, but she knew other Christians, and was open to it.
So near the end of the year, I started a video call bible study with her so I could be more thorough, and apparently she prayed for that too. A couple weeks in, she invited a missionary. We were both skeptical of each other, her cause I wasn’t in church, and me cause I didn’t know if there were any real Christians with sound doctrine out there…but we connected and hit it off.
She told me about BSF (Bible Study Foundation), so I joined one of their online groups and ended up with a bunch of older ladies who were as genuine and serious about God, and were open and vulnerable about their issues. We were reading through John and would have discussions, everyone would participate. They also had time for prayer requests and so on.
It was much different than the bible study experience I had a church, I actually felt a place of belonging and was encouraged to meet other genuine Christians from various denominations. If we all have the same Spirit, there should be peace and unity. Not long after, I was recruited to play guitar in a church plant and I’ve been with that church since, but more on that story in the next section!
My Heart Right Now
So 2023 was certainly one of the biggest, most pivotal moments of my life. Coming to understand and put my faith in the true gospel, realizing everything I knew about the world was wrong (governments, education, pharmacies, etc), that spiritual warfare is real, that my church was false, but most of all, that biblical prophecy is coming to life right now. Time is short.
In a single year, I’ve also grown a lot as a person, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I’ve been able to let go of my idols, to conquer my temptations, to deal with my toxic traits like pride, stubbornness, and impatience. I’ve also begun to truly feel God’s love for other people. I’ve learned to extend the grace God has had on me, and to not get as frustrated when they don’t understand.
At the end of the day, this life isn’t about me. My problems are temporary, and my feelings don’t matter as much as people’s souls and salvation. I’ve cried countless tears for the world, for the lost, for the evil that abounds, but I know how this story will end. “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning” Psalm 30:5. I knew I had to keep fighting and standing strong in my faith, holding close to God and keeping my eyes on things above. I’ve had to say to myself countless times ‘this isn’t a game’.
I was (and still am) very serious about my pursuit of righteousness through God’s power. The thought of Satan smirking when I fail only empowers me as I’ve always been a competitive person >_>. Of course I messed up a lot in the first few months, but I held Romans 8:1 close to my heart, that there’s no more condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. I am free! But I will use my liberty to be a light in the world, an ambassador for Christ. I am also God’s temple, so I don’t want to do or watch things that would grieve the Holy Spirit.
I didn’t want to give the devil a foothold in any part of my life. I’ve seen too many people fall cause they couldn’t let go of a wicked person or their sinful desires, so I consecrated and submitted everything to God. That included this blog, which was one of my previous treasures that I was afraid to lose after investing so much time and money into it, but God has allowed me to keep it, and I’m happy to use it to make some Christian content, including providing resources like a Japanese Christian Artist list that didn’t exist before.
I was once very anxious about money since my mom struggled most of my life. In 2022, I was the most stressed as I got a job at one of the biggest agencies in my field. I got to work from home and it had benefits, no drama between coworkers nor narcissistic bosses…but I was hired to fill in for a lady on maternity leave.
They wanted to keep us both, but I knew there was not enough work for the both of us, so my time was limited. I was already in so much debt having moved out 2 years ago, so I was worried. Thanks to my photographer’s hacked Instagram account, I fell for a bitcoin scam, losing thousands of dollars from my credit card, and that made me more desperate. I found another in-person part-time job, but it was hard to balance with my main one, so I put my 2 weeks in.
And on the last day of that job, my main job called to say I was being laid off. I was distraught. I worked so hard for so long, and where did it get me? My cousin/roommate had yet to have a stable job, so he too depended on me for various things. At this point though, I was tired, and it was the first time I didn’t rush to a Plan B or C. Instead, I told God ‘You can handle this’. I was just going to apply for EI , focus on my band, and live my life.
I really didn’t want to think about money anymore. My anxiety has always been about money. I signed a non-compete contract, so I couldn’t get another job in my field. And working from home since 2018, I really didn’t want to go work retail or anything. I’m willing to if desperate, but let me just not think about it. I need a break. Thankfully, 3 weeks later, I got a call from my supervisor asking if I was available. The maternity lady took another job elsewhere, so the job was permanently mine.
I was so happy and thankful! It could have been months or years before they’d have enough work for both of us. The whole experienced helped me trust more in God and not worry about finances. My family always struggled, but we were never homeless and always had food to eat. The bible asks, why do you worry about these things? Does he not dress the lilies? Does he not feed the birds? Are we not worth more than them? (Luke 12:22-34) How little faith we have indeed.
Has God not come through over and over again? Did He not answer my prayers by getting me out of scary situations? I prayed and had lost items returned to me. He’s kept me safe on my solo trips. How many times does He have to prove He’s faithful before I believe His word and His promises? Additionally, even when I was far from Him, living in sin, He’s never abandoned me. He still came through for me and patiently waited for my return. So when I had that dark moment around new years 2023, I was truly ready to give all of myself to Him.
I now truly understand and feel God’s love, grace, and mercy on me. I didn’t even know what grace and mercy meant until I put all my faith and hope in Jesus. And while I was searching for love, for companionship, for someone who would give me their all so I could do the same in return…He was always there, loving me more than I could ever imagine. I don’t need to look elsewhere, just to be hurt, disappointed, and abandoned. He’ll never leave me nor forsake me. He’s my Father, Bridegroom, Friend.
Knowing that others don’t give God the time of day, I really desire to be the one. I want to be like those who’d minister to God day and night. I’m happily single and satisfied with my life, so I really don’t have much to ask for, as I know He’ll provide my needs. I’ve achieved everything on my bucket list already, so I’m not thinking about the future anymore nor seeking anything selfishly. I really have no other goals or dreams but to spend time with God, to be in His presence, and maybe one day hear Him more clearly.
I am God’s treasured possession, and I’m so happy to have a loving, merciful, jealous God. I’m so happy He created this world with so many beautiful and amazing things, and that He still gave us an option to have a relationship with Him or not. He could have been a distant god, He could have been a dictator god, but instead, we have a loving God who would come here and die just so we could connect with Him.
There really is nothing more important than Him in this world and I’m so thankful He woke me up when He did, giving me a chance to get my life in order and to wake others up as well. While I hope to be raptured away very soon, I will still do all I can with the time I have left, sharing the gospel, serving the church, and doing all I can for His kingdom. I’m all about my Father’s business.
That’s my testimony~<3
Finding My New Church
Being Asked To Serve A Church Plant
In mid-January 2024, a pastor reached out to me. He found my guitar profile on Bandmix and messaged me on Instagram, asked me to play for his church plant in the city over. They had a couple musicians they were borrowing at the moment, and they were doing afternoon services to accommodate them, but they wanted to move to mornings. They really had no musicians of their own, so he was quite desperate.
While hesitant as it was far and I relied on the bus, he said he would make ride arrangements. Normally, I wouldn’t consider something like that at all, there’s something about going so far that makes me anxious, but I’ve been praying for a church, and I would love to serve God if he needed me. Another church reached out before then, but didn’t offer a ride and wasn’t good at replying, so I was more interested to hear what this one had to say.
I also asked a lot about their theology because I obviously didn’t want to be deceived and fall pray to another unbiblical church. While I have found some good Christians and it restored my hope, I was still weary of churches. He invited me to their mid-week online meetings, and I listened in on a couple, and it was okay.
One was about money where he shared last years budget, to reveal it mostly went to rent, food etc. He didn’t need the money as he and his wife worked, they were focused on the gospel and reaching others. The tongues thing was new and weird, and I had some reservations based on old beliefs (gifts were done with, or it’s just gibberish), but it wasn’t a deciding factor.
I decided to check em out before making a decision. If they turned out to be a bad church, I can always stop going, ya know? Not like I’m signing a work contract.
My First Visit To My Potential New Church
After praying about it and not getting any negative feelings, I made plans to visit the coming Sunday. I told him I’d bring my guitar and asked what songs they were doing that way. I was only thinking about rehearsing with the group so we could get a vibe for each other. Why waste a week, ya know?
So on Thursday, he gave me the song “Good Good Father”. I heard it and loved it. I was especially thankful it wasn’t some complex gospel track as I couldn’t find guitar lessons in that regard, so I was feeling pretty confident. I learned it in the original key, A major, and even learned the riffs in the open position. I sent him a clip of me playing it a couple hours later so he’d have confidence in my abilities. He said I’m probably more ready than the other musicians….pat on my back, but that should have been a warning lol
On Saturday, he gave me and the driver each other’s number. I reached out before hoping to chat a bit for security reasons. He seemed cool and passionate about Jesus, so I felt a bit more at ease getting in the car of a stranger. I also found out he was also the sound guy, so it was great getting to connect with him beforehand. No one told me if there would be anyone else riding with us, so I was nervous about being alone with him having had bad experiences, but thankfully, his girlfriend was in the front seat, and we picked up 2 other girls on the way there. Sweet~
So when we arrived, I think we were first as we usually were (arriving an hour early) as the driver would open and set things up. He told me I could set up on stage so I did. Maybe a half later, the worship team arrived, 2 singers, a keyboardist, and a drummer (who is in his own enclosed section). The singers and the keyboardist then talked amongst themselves. I couldn’t hear anything, so I tried to get their attention and ask what’s going on.
They were changing the key of the song…which was bad cause I learned it in the original key in open position with riffs and all that, but they wanted to change it to C major. Thankfully I had a capo. But they also had a second song I never heard before. The keyboardist told me the progression and I figured it out, doing double the math because of the Capo. Thankfully, I studied music theory a lot.
But then, service was starting, and again, I was not planning to actually perform today, but guess I’m here. They started with prayer, and everyone was speaking in tongues…a little unsettling, but I tried not to think anything bad about it. The keyboardist was playing some chords, but I didn’t bother as I can’t play by ear. Then they started song service. The song has a guitar heavy intro, so I started with confidence, and I was able to follow their lead pretty easily.
Then the second song started, and I remembered the chords he told me…but then they switched to another part of that song, and I never heard this song before, so I was lost. But the keyboardist started flashing numbers my way and I was able to follow along. And even after the songs were done, he continued to play. I followed a bit, but he kept changing and I kinda started to fake play I think XD Eiher way, I was so thankful it was over. I was super stressed, but still impressed with myself for getting through it.
I then sat in an area close to where I’d get off stage, and was alone. There weren’t many members to begin with, but it was still awkward. I really didn’t know how their service went, wasn’t expecting everyone to pray together or in tongues and such at the very beginning and later on, but the sermon was good. Afterwards, everyone stayed around to fellowship. No one really came to talk to me besides the pastors wife and the younger kids, one of which complimented my hair.
I made the effort to sit amongst the girls (it’s mostly girls here) and ask questions, tell em about myself etc. Found out they’re all from Nigeria, all came here within the last 5 years. I told em I haven’t been to church, but from an SDA background. I exchanged numbers with the main singer, along with the keyboardist. I didn’t get to talk to him much there, but I knew it was in my best interest to talk to him as he’d know the most musically about how this all works, so I started messaging him.
The keyboardist made it clear he wasn’t very interested or passionate about playing keyboard, which was disappointing, but he showed interest in bass, so I encouraged him. I’m always happy to motivate people in their musical goals. He asked if he got one, could I teach him and I said sure! We found out we actually had the same birthday (super rare), so we started calling each other besties! He asked bout my relationship, I said I’m happily single. He revealed he had a wife back home.
He offered to give me rides some times so we could talk more, which I didn’t mind. But then he also suggested he come over for lessons, and that’s where I said ‘naw’. I told him for 1, he’s married, and I wouldn’t want to cause drama with him and his wife. And 2, even if nothing happened, I wouldn’t want to start rumours or risk anything like that’…but he went on to say that ‘it’s okay if something happened…’ and I drew the line there. I made it clear that we as Christians and leaders are to be holy and be good examples and so on. This is still the first day we met, mind you, but we kept our distance since.
Old me may have told someone or asked others how they felt about him do some research. I may have also been noticeably awkward or cold towards him, but I’m a new person in Christ. I didn’t want to make things awkward or cause division in the church, I wanted unity and peace as the bible tells us to have with our brothers and sisters. He’s been there for a while, and I wouldn’t want to ruin how others felt about him. It’s not like he’ll be there forever anyways.
[He was expected to leave when we switched to morning service in May, but he ended up taking a job in another province a few weeks before that. The drummer would ride with him, so he stopped coming too. We had some guests come in for a special Easter and Conference event, but I’ve been alone since].
My Next Few Gigs & Connecting More With The Church
The next week, the leaders gave us 2 songs that were new to the church, “Everlasting God” and “Firm Foundation”. Pretty much every song is new to me since I’ve been out of the church for so long, but now that I have a better idea of how they function, I prepared differently, learning the progression and playing with barre chords so I could more easily change keys during rehearsal….
…but then the singers were running late and wouldn’t make it to practice, so they switched it to two songs that were familiar to them: “Reckless Love”, which I never heard before but it was simple, and “Goodness of God”, which I heard last year at an SDA conference, but never played it, and it was more complex. I had maybe 15 minutes to search these up and cram what I could, trying to transpose chord charts into progressions and into the new key in my head. Thankfully they only did Reckless Love, but man, it felt like they were setting me up for failure.
I did ask for a list of their songs because I really can’t function like this. It’s one thing to not know how to play a song, but it’s worse when you never heard the song before you had to perform it. It took me a while to get that list, and also a while to be added to the group chat. I found out later it’s because they’ve had experiences of musicians coming and going, seeming serious but never coming again, but regardless, it felt very cold and unwelcoming to me, and only stressed me out. If I didn’t feel God called me there, I may have stopped going myself, ya know? I endured either way.
The next 2 weeks, they did the songs they were planning to the previous week, so I got to relax a bit. They also started their refinery class again. It’s like Sunday School, but it goes through their doctrine and is meant to make us leaders. It was also a chance to hear from more of them and see their genuine interest and love for Jesus.
A couple weeks after, I decided to share my testimony with them as it was on topic, sharing my background, my wakeup call, the false doctrine of my old church, and how lonely I’ve been. They thanked me for sharing and I was able to connect with them better since. We weren’t strangers anymore, and I’m sure they felt a bit more secure about my intention to stay.
Things have been alright since then. I got more familiar with the songs, more confident in changing keys and this and that. I could tell that, while the pastor certainly wanted/needed musicians, he did care for my soul first and foremost. He took the time to teach me personally about tongues, answering my questions and such, and he was always available if I had other biblical things to discuss or ask.
I had a lot of suggestions and advice for other things like the website, and he does take them to heart. He’ll let me know his plans for the future of the church. Since we switched to a morning service, we moved twice. We were initially in a venue that had their own sound, projection etc, but another church had the morning slot, so we first moved to a smaller venue where we had to provide our own equipment, and he’d ask me about soundboards and set up. We have since gotten our own place.
We’ve had some guests come in, and while I didn’t have the warmest welcome, I always make the effort to be more so to them. Once I get off stage, I would sit beside them and chat with them so they wouldn’t feel so alone. I’m always attentive to people’s needs, so I’m ready to borrow a tissue if I hear em sniffling, or my hand fan if they’re trying to fan themselves with a wallet.
Additionally, although the church makes us hug each other, I felt they were quite cold and half-assed my first visit. Since years back when a cousin I grew up with told me how much it meant when I gave her my first real tight bear hug, I’ve taken ever hug seriously since, making them warm and meaningful. People at church have noticed, either telling me themselves or even telling the pastor’s wife that I give the best hugs. I do truly love people and I know how much it can mean to those who don’t get hugs much.
More recently, the pastor’s wife hosted our first girl’s hangout near a lake downtown. It’s weird for me to do anything casual on Saturday/Sabbath still, but since it’s a chance to meet with my sisters, I was more willing to. We had a picnic, played some icebreaker games, dipped our feet in the cold lake, and I got a chance to have more casual conversations with some of them. I’m happy I stuck it out and God led me to the perfect small church <3
The Continued Search For More Musicians
The pastor is still looking for additional musicians. We had a couple who came in to assist for an event around Easter since the other guys left already. A cool drummer came in one time, and I loved his playing style more than the other, as he was more intune and didn’t overdo it. After service, I saw him sitting alone so I chatted him up. He’s like 19 and was enthusiastic about church and drumming.
He had a basic Bandmix profile and somewhat empty Instagram, so I motivated him to take his musical dreams more seriously via my own story and he was inspired. He came by a couple times after, and we’d sit beside each other during service. He considered switching churches, but his main church is ran by his aunt who adopted him when he came to Canada, and he plays various roles there like photography and promo. Either way, getting to our church was hard and pricey for him. After we moved/switched to morning, I didn’t see him since, but we still keep in touch.
Later, a middle-eastern girl came in and she seemed really enthusiastic. Her mom came with her, and I greeted both of them warmly. Only near the end did they reveal they were Muslim, so I was confused about her motivations, and I was hoping maybe she wanted to be a Christian despite her mom’s wishes. We kept in touch on Instagram as I’m always happy to connect with other musicians and encourage them with their pursuits. I inquired a bit, and she revealed money was involved.
She said she didn’t know if she was coming back as the pastor had yet to get back to her. I invited her to come regardless…we are a church after all. Whether to visit or to play, she’s free to do so! But it was clear she really wasn’t interested in coming unless she was being paid to do so, and that was disappointing. When I first met her, I thought she had a heart or interest for God because she was so excited about the opportunity, but that was not the case at all. I felt deceived in a way.
I had to lightly rebuke the pastor the following week for even inviting a non-Christian who had no real interest in being Christian on the team. We need worship that was pleasing to God. Now, it’s not bad to pay musicians or anything. The bible says that the labourer deserves his wages (1 Timothy 5:18), but if money is the only reason someone wants to play for a church, it just doesn’t feel right in my soul. I’ll go into this more in the next section where I answer questions.
Additionally, I would have to be the one to teach her and give her the chords as she can only read sheet music and doesn’t know chord progression theory (I-IV-V). More work for me, but I’m not getting paid, ya know? Money was never a discussion when I was recruited, and I didn’t want it to be. Everyone at church is a volunteer as well, so giving our tithes and offering to a non-believer is just…*barf*. Either way, the pastor himself decided not to keep her, mainly because she didn’t know about gospel chords and harmony to play the part he required.
The pastor also brought an older guy in more recently, definitely more talented. The singer decided to add a song just before service, one I tabbed out, but haven’t practiced and haven’t performed with them yet, but he already knew it. He’s also able to flow and I could see how connected the pastor was with him, he could just sing along freely and such. I didn’t mind him, but keyboardists always play as if they’re playing alone, so it doesn’t leave much place for me as a guitarist playing basic chords. Pastor didn’t keep him though as he felt he was old and wouldn’t fit in with our younger culture and other aspects.
Regardless of this struggle, the singers don’t seem to mind just having me, and they even say they like it more than when they had the keyboardist as I knew and practice the songs better (he admitted that he would only first hear the songs on his drive there). They apparently asked him for things, but he never made an effort to change.
I found a way for us to discuss and test keys online beforehand, so it gives us all peace to come to rehearsal and just run through it. Even if they’re late, we’re fine as we all have an idea of what’s going on, and I can follow easily wherever they want to go. I’m still very limited sound-wise as a rhythm guitarist, but I love that the congregation sings loud and we can worship with the little we have.
So that’s where I’m coming from, how I ended up in this role, and a summary of the last 6 months that I’ve been serving at this church plant.
Answering Some Big Questions About Worship Leading & Christian Music
So the above is my background. I always feel it’s important because we all come from different background that shape our world views. And while I haven’t been around a lot of churches and music groups and this and that, my heart is in tuned with the most important thing, God’s heart.
Last year, before becoming a worship leader, I watched many videos about church’s conducts, along with videos on the Hillsong/Bethel controversy, about Kirk Franklin and other Christians artists who are close to worldly individuals and participating in sinful activities, and about songs like “Oceans” that seem to lack biblical doctrine or can lead people astray.
Being still pretty new in this sphere, I want to do things well, and by that, I mean, I want to do worship in a way that pleases God. Fitting in and doing what the world does was never something for me, more so if I know it’s wrong or sinful. Even if most Christians artists are fornicating and drinking and wearing revealing things, I’m not going to be swayed to act like them. Why? Because God tells us to be set apart from the world, to be holy as He is holy.
I’m not saying I’m 100% right as these are still my opinions at the end of the day. While I have verses to support these views, the bible doesn’t really talk much about song service for a church. It talks about instruments, it talks about praise, it talks about hymns and spiritual songs, but it doesn’t talk about how to conduct music in a social gathering. Regardless, I do believe my heart is in the right place and I’m pretty sure a true worship leader or any born-again Christian would agree with my stances:
What Kind Of Christian Music Is Acceptable?
My personal playlist was so outdated and I was certainly weary of what songs my church would have us play. I know how much influence music has on the soul, so it was definitely a deciding factor as to whether I would stay or not at this church. Now 6 months later, I’ve certainly had an opportunity to hear a variety of songs from a variety of artists, so I can have an opinion on this question.
But first here’s my preface: I was never one to idolize artists or follow their lives. I really only care about the art itself. I didn’t have the internet to watch MVs or do research on people’s lives or anything growing up, so even if I wanted to, I never had the opportunity, and thus never became a habit. I simply had an MP3, and if I heard a song I liked, I’d find some free place to download it and put it on there. So when bad news breaks out about an artist that I may have 1 or 2 songs from, I really don’t care. It doesn’t affect my life at all.
There’s only 3-4 artists that I could say I love their whole discography, but otherwise, my playlist consisted of 1-4 songs that I really liked from various artists. As long as I like the chord progressions, the lyrics, and how the songs made me feel, nothing else really mattered to me. In other words, the art is not the artist in my mind. If someone did something bad, that doesn’t suddenly dispel their work that was able to touch and change many people.
If you’re someone who always feels a need to connect the two, consider this: God created us in His image (Genesis 1:27), we are His masterpieces (Ephesians 2:10). Even so, we are not Him and He is not us. Just because we do bad, doesn’t mean He is bad. I can’t even say vice versa for this analogy, but you get my point. Despite us being His creation, our inability to represent His character well doesn’t mean God is a bad person.
So when it comes to music, a musical artist may have been exposed for doing wicked things, but they may have made songs that truly changed and converted someone. Sometimes the music isn’t that great, but the individual is truly walking with God and has influenced people in their life to do so as well. So I like to take it song by song and not let the art represent the person, or the person represent the art.
That’s not to say we should support ‘Christian artists’ who are actually workers of darkness, (and we definitely shouldn’t follow or idolize worldly artists and make them our examples), BUT what I am saying is, if a song is known to touch and edify people, and a church wants to play or sing that song for their service, we shouldn’t judge that whole church negatively because of what that artist does in their free or private time. I doubt we’d have much music to use if we did.
I’m personally amazed when I find out a song I first heard from one artist and believed it was their original song for years was actually a cover. My parents had many cassettes and CDs that they’d play, including a few from smaller artists in my city (some may just be singers in the SDA circle who released an album). As I returned to my faith, some songs would pop up in my head, so I’d go on Spotify to find them and I’ll find another version, the original. Many many songs have been covered time and time again, and I think that’s simply because they are usually really good songs!
I mentioned “Goodness of God” in the last section, I first heard it at an SDA conference and it brought me to tears because God truly has been so good to me all my life. I then added Cece Winan’s version to my playlist, assuming she sung it first. But when my new church had it on their playlist and I started looking up chords to play it, I realized it was actually written by Hillsong. As much as I grew up not trusting Hillsong based on what I heard, now I had to give them the benefit of the doubt.
Now, regarding the music itself, my biggest concern about Christian songs is that there is so much focus on ME. God’s love for ME, how He’s blessing ME, and what He’s doing for ME. While the message may be true and we all need that reminder and confirmation, it should certainly be balanced with songs about how great GOD is, about how much we love HIM, keeping our minds on HIS mission and coming kingdom, and reminding us to walk in righteous and holiness as HE commanded us to.
When it comes to lyrics, I will say they should be monitored and screened well before service because we don’t want people to be singing questionable or unbiblical things.
A very popular song that is often assumed to be a Christian song is “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen. It’s very deceptive as it uses biblical words and directly talks about King David and Samson…but it’s ultimately about love and sexual desire. David and Samson were chosen by God, but had moments of great weakness due to Bathsheba and Delilah. Cohen was a Jew, but not Christian…he even lived as a Buddhist monk for many years, so we can’t expect spiritual enlightenment or true worship from him.
Another famous song that my newly converted friends brought up is “You Raise Me Up” by Josh Groban. God isn’t mentioned in the lyrics at all, so who ‘you’ is can refer to God, gods, or general people in someone’s life. According to stonybrook.edu, the song was made to ‘make the listener truly feel, grasp and believe in their inner spirituality and happiness’.
Under songs that are actually labeled ‘Christian, “Yeshua” is a very popular song with questionable lyrics. It only repeats 3 lines: “Yeshua”, “Yours is the kingdom, Yours is the power, Yours is the glory forever, Amen”, and those are fine but……….”My beloved is the most beautiful, among thousands and thousands”??? As some Youtubers would say, it sounds like a love/boyfriend song with ‘Yeshua’ slapped on it.
For one, we don’t know what Jesus looks like, and Commandment #2 tells us not to make any graven images of God or things in heaven. A lot of the images we see are whitewashed, or versions of pagan gods like Zeus. And two…He’s only the most beautiful among thousands?? Girl, we got billions of people in this world, and who knows how many beings in the spiritual world…but He’s only the most beautiful among thousands???????
And on that note, I know there’s also controversy about the repetitiveness of a song as well, often calling writers “lazy” and even saying it’s ‘hypnotizing witchcraft’. I’m certainly one who values a beautifully written song that just teaches and edifies me like “Broken and Spilled Out” or “Four Days Late”, but in a church setting, sometimes simple songs are a lot easier for people to join in, follow, and remember. It gives us more time to really meditate on what we’re saying, and to sing it with all our spirit!
The last but most important note is about how theologically or doctrinally sound a song is, and that’s where groups like Hillsong get the most flack. You can’t usually expect an unbiblical church who wants to be seeker friendly to have te most biblical lyrics. More recently, “No One Like You Lord” by Bethel/Jenn Johnson popped up on Spotify. I usually don’t pay attention to new songs, but I decided to give a listen, and I really did like the sound and vibe of the music.
But around the 5th or 6th time I listened to it, which is usually when I actually know the lyrics well enough to analyze it, I started to think about the line “There is One on the throne, Jesus” and “Who was slain and seated on the throne…Giving praise to Him and Him alone”, and I was like ‘Hold Up….’. As a believer in the Trinity/Godhead, we believe Jesus is seated at the right hand of the Father, so He’s not on His throne alone….and He’s not the only one getting praise. It’s little things like that that you gotta look out for. It sounds good on the surface, but it’s not theologically correct.
As I was browsing a Quora thread, the top comment was for a guy who had an issue with “Reckless Love” by Cory Asbury, a song my church has frequented at this point. He made the point that God is not ‘reckless’ in anything He does, and the word itself has negative connotations. Sure, it sounds nice, but saying God is reckless and He ‘leaves the 99 for the 1’, really isn’t glorifying God’s nature, and I agree. It is a beautiful, heart touching song, especially when you think of Jesus’s bloody body on the cross, but everything God does is planned and perfect. He’s definitely not a reckless or negligent person.
Additionally, how we play music is important. Many churches have leaned so much into the CCM rock side of worship, aka loud drums, cool lights, and sometimes even smoke machines. It doesn’t look that much different from a rock concert. And I’m not letting gospel slide as it was influenced from disco and can be just as flashy and worldly, and they dress and dance quite worldly as well. A lot of songs really don’t sound or feel different than the music that is out there.
I understand that we all have different preferences for genres. What moves one person to worship and meditate on God may not have that same power on someone else. God is a creative person, so I’m not going to condemn a Christian song just because it’s rock or rap. The lyrics and the meaning of the song is what I would always look at first and foremost.
What I will condemn though is if you’re only listening to Christian music because it blends in with the music you actually like. It allows you to listen to what you like without feeling as convicted or condemned. If the music isn’t really edifying you, and/or it’s just another song with the word “God” or “Blessed” thrown in, then, it’s probably not that great either. I’ve seen clips of real clubs that may have a ‘Christian music hour’, but it literally looks, feels, and sounds no different than it would any other hour.
Music is sadly the easiest thing for lukewarm Christians to indulge in, and it shows. Many Christians in this category may know a lot of Christian songs, but ask them when was the last time they read their bibles outside of church…if they even go to church. Not judging, just making a point. Music can give the impression of worship without any actual worship, as you’ll see in the next question.
God tells us to be Holy aka ‘Set Apart’. He wants us to live a lifestyle that is different from the world. Only then can we be a light and the salt the world needs. We shouldn’t be trying to fit in with the world to appeal to the world, we should be standing out and attracting them to God by being different.
I feel that applies to Christian music and media as well in that it should have a sense of sacredness. Taking a secular song and swapping the lyrics to make it more Christian feels wrong to me personally because there’s already a spirit behind that song, behind the beat and instrumentation. There may even be an image or artist that comes to mind regardless of the lyrics, and it can becoming a stumbling block to a newer believer. A heavy metal Christian song that still evokes feelings of wrath through it’s fast beat and screaming may not be best regardless of the positive, biblical lyrics.
But all in all, Music in itself isn’t bad. God created music in the heavens before humans were even made. He loves music! The use of instruments and creating new songs/psalms are a constant throughout the bible. I know some churches take a hard stance saying no music at all, or only allow choirs/pianos/organs, but that really isn’t biblical. Maryam danced with her timbrel/tambourine. David, a man after God’s own heart, had his lyre/harp, and psalms were regularly accompanied by music. Trumpets, stringed instruments, Israel had em all!
But when the kind of music is so important that people fight over it, or people don’t care to come to church unless the music gets them dancing, then our hearts aren’t in the right place. We should love God, His word, His law, His will, and His presence more than music, and the music should align with those ideals. If the music is placed at a higher priority than things like prayer, bible reading, sermons, and communion, then you might as well get rid of it *shrug*.
“What Is Worship?” The Role Of The Worship Leader
Now, the church has strayed so far from what biblical worship is that we assume ‘worship’ just means singing songs….”but…what is worship then?” you may ask. Well I certainly recommended reading this book called “Being God’s Friend” by Charles Spurgeon. It’s one of the first books I got from the Christian store last year and it immediately changed my heart and perspective.
It and many others have made the point that the first time the word ‘worship’ is even used was when Abraham was on his way to sacrifice Isaac as God instructed him to: “Early the next morning Abraham got up and loaded his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. He said to his servants, “Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you.”” (Genesis 22:3-5)
Worship is obedience. Worship should be, first and foremost, living in accordance to God’s word, doing what He told us to do, going where He tells us to go, and so on. While we aren’t saved by our works, if we truly have saving faith in God, we will desire to listen, obey, and follow Him. Abraham was accounted righteousness because of his faith (Genesis 15:6), and his faith is what caused him and countless other people to move (Hebrews 11). Worship is a lifestyle, not a song.
When God tells us He wants us ‘to worship Him in spirit and truth’ (John 4:24), we need to first truly understand a few things, like who God is, what He’s done for us, and what He expects from us. If we are born again, His Holy Spirit living within us allows us to align ourselves with Him and His will so we could do what is pleasing to Him. And again, this goes beyond your 2-hour church service, it should be applied to all aspects of your life throughout the week.
People who don’t know God and aren’t connected to Him can’t offer pleasing worship to Him. They don’t have faith, they aren’t doing what he asked, and they definitely don’t love Him. And at that point, who are they to lead a worship service for a congregation? Anyone who isn’t a true Christian is of their father, the devil (John 8:39-47), and they’re going to be dancing with their father everyday of the week. Whatever service they then offer at church isn’t going to pleasing to God. It is but dirty rags to Him (Isaiah 64:6).
A worship leader should have a lifestyle of worship, a lifestyle of reverence and adoration for their God. There should be a song in their hearts at all times, praise should be at the core of their being. They should also fear God, like the fear a child has of disappointing their parents and the fear of being far from them. The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom (Proverbs 9:10) and God loves, watches, and values those who fear Him (Psalm 33:18, 103:11, 147:11). True worship is pure, sweet, and precious to their Father above.
Only when a worship leader is truly motivated by God alone can they be sure to outlast any trials or heartache that may come against them. No matter how busy or tiring their week was, no matter the struggles they may face, they always prioritize the church and the role they play because they realize how important it is. Their willingness to serve comes from their desire to see the kingdom grow and to make their Father happy.
Music connects all of us, so I think it is so important that the congregation can feel the love and joy in the spirits of their worship leaders. Their passion and enthusiasm for this role should inspire others to use their gifts and talents to serve God as well.
All Church Leaders Are To Be Living Examples
One of the scariest verses in the bible is from Matthew 7:21-23, from Jesus’s lips himself: “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’”
If you don’t even have a relationship with God in the first place (aka “I never knew you”), it doesn’t really make sense to be playing music at church. Any intention or motivation you have probably isn’t coming from a right place. You’re actually in a really bad place with God if you’re in a place of authority and influence, but aren’t living the true Christian life.
Don’t be like King Saul who was already in a bad place as he showed much pride and wasn’t reverent or obedient to God’s law. The final straw was when Israel conquered a city, and instead of destroying everything as God told them to, they brought back some animals. Samuel confronted King Saul, but he said he was going to sacrifice them to God. Samuel made it clear that obedience is better than sacrifice (1 Samuel 15).
Half-hearted service or unwilling obedience isn’t pleasing to God. God will punish leaders in His temples and churches more severely than He would a heathen or unbeliever. You can see this constantly when the nation of Israel, a people He gave birth to, delivered, and made them who they are. Despite all His work and blessings, they went on to rebel, break his laws, and worship other gods. As punishment, God would allow them to be captured, enslaved or exiled for years until they turned back to Him.
While He certainly judged other cities, He was more strict about His own people, because they were supposed to be His possession and His representatives to the world. God chastises those He loves, and those who love Him will appreciate his guidance. But because God respects free will, He won’t forcibly correct those who don’t love Him and have no desire to walk in His ways, but it breaks His heart to see those same people go on to lead his people astray and into sin and idolatry.
We as Christians are supposed to be God’s ambassadors to the world. God’s temple is within us, His Spirit leads and guides us. And in turn, we are supposed to lead people to God through our words, actions, and lifestyles. If we don’t do our jobs well, we lead them astray. If those who are supposed to represent Him do it badly, those lost souls may never seek Him again, and trust me, God is not happy when that happens. If those in heaven rejoice when a soul is saved (Luke 15:7), imagine how they feel when the opposite happens.
But let’s back up a bit. What does it mean to live a life pleasing to God? Well Deuteronomy 10:12-13 tells us pretty bluntly “What doth the Lord thy God require of thee, but to fear the Lord thy God, to walk in all his ways, and to love him, and to serve the Lord thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul, to keep the commandments of the Lord, and his statutes, which I command thee this day for thy good?”
Additionally, if you don’t have a relationship with God and are not taking steps to seek Him and get to know Him more, you’re going to be a very worldly, carnal Christian. This is dangerous. For yourself, as you may convince yourself that your church attendance and service saves you in some way, and for others, because you’ll discourage those who are serious about their walk, and you’ll become a stumbling block to newer Christians who don’t know any better.
I can’t tell you how many people left the church and even hate the church thanks to hypocrisy. Many in the church claim to believe the bible, yet they aren’t doing what the bible commands them to do, nor are following it’s instructions on how to live. It says not to gossip or cause division, yet, that’s certainly common in many churches. The same church leaders who say not to fornicate are committing adultery on their wives. The same church members who claim to love God so much are so cold and bitter to those around them.
Even if we tell an atheist the most beautiful message of the gospel and can argue with them logically about the existence of God, none of that means anything if he can’t see or feel the love God has for him. It’s also bad if we aren’t living differently than the rest of the world. If the self-proclaimed Christians he knows are depressed, thieves, porn stars, adulterers, and just full of wrath and envy, why would he be interested in the religion? We really have to protect our testimonies and live according to what we claim to believe.
The Christian life isn’t about us, it isn’t about our comfort, our needs and desires… it’s not even about heaven! It’s about God. It’s about His love for humanity, His sacrifice for our sins, and His coming again to rule the earth and put an end to all evil. We’re all just side characters. Correction: We’re all just witnesses to His wonderous glory. We don’t have to do anything, but He invites us to be part of his soon-coming kingdom, and we are to invite others too. That’s what it’s all about. Heaven isn’t the final destination, eternity with God on earth is.
As a worship leader, or any leader at church, you are to reflect God to others, leading in love and standing for what the bible stands for, not just in your words, but your actions too. If you aren’t ready for that role and responsibility, and you aren’t that serious about God, regardless of the money or pressure to serve, it’s much better for YOU to say ‘no’ than to be in a position of leadership and cause others to stumble or leave the faith.
You may think I’m being dramatic or mean, but I’m tired of people giving wishy-washy responses instead of saying what needs to be said so people aren’t confused on what is the right thing to do. There’s many verses that warns the church against false teachers and wolves in sheep’s clothing, which one would be if they’re in a church leadership role but aren’t a true believer or worshipper.
Matthew 18:6 says “But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.” 2 Peter 2:1, “But false prophets also arose among the people, just as there will be false teachers among you, who will secretly bring in destructive heresies, even denying the Master who bought them, bringing upon themselves swift destruction.”
I don’t know your story or how you ended up in your role. Maybe you were genuine at first, but lost your faith along the way. Or maybe you were an unbeliever at first, but week by week your faith is growing, and that’s amazing! As long as your pursuit is genuine, keep it up! Perhaps the church was so desperate for musicians they hired you. You may have been serving for 4 months or 20 years. All in all, I’m not going to tell you what to do as I still know every situation is different, but I hope this article enlightens, encourages, and or convicts you.
If you just want to play music, you can do that anywhere else, but if you’re part of a church, you should understand the weightiness of it all. It’s not just a 30-minute weekly gig, you are to be a daily example to those around you because you have that much more influence on someone else’s walk with God. Even if everyone on your team is worldly and sinful, you can be the light to change all that, and really create change in your church.
Private Worship Time Is Vital For A Worship Leader
There’s this saying, ‘what you do in private will be visible in public’. For example, if you practice a lot in private, it will be noticeable when you perform in public. But I’m not talking about music for this point, I’m talking about your personal worship time, your daily devotion, your time in your prayer closet.
Jesus says we need to ask for our daily bread…daily. This means, spending time praying and reading should be a daily thing. For any leaders in the church, the only way they can serve the church effectively is if they are spending time in God’s presence and being filled with His spirit and love throughout the week. If the only time you spend with God is at church, you’re too occupied and busy serving to be filled yourself. You’re running on empty.
A lot of people can certainly fake it, I will admit. They could be doing the most sinful, unholy things during the week, but come to church looking and acting holy and righteous. I’m sure we’ve all heard about leaders and pastors doing dark and evil things behind the scenes like sexually assaulting members and children. Then we got those who knowingly deceive people and even use the church for money. That is what happens when people don’t fear God. Why would they if they aren’t close to Him in the first place?
If a musician is talented enough to do so, I’m sure they can worship God in their personal time with that instrument. I’m not that talented sadly. I can learn some songs, but I can’t do much when it comes to freestyling and improvising, especially as a rhythm guitarist, so it’s not always that enjoyable. Serving church can be stressful with last minute song and key chances, and back in my band, performing was always a source of stress, to I don’t play the guitar for fun.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I bare all this stress because I love music, and I’m happy and willing to serve. I’m so thankful God fulfilled my childhood dreams and now I get to keep using those talents for Him. Hard work pays off! But when it comes to my personal worship time with God, the guitar is not something I reach for.
I would pray, read my bible and devotionals, listen to sermons, learn and study, and all that was good for my own spiritual growth, but I wanted to have something else that would bring God pleasure when I minister to Him. I found a couple ideas from the bible, and I’m not going to share what exactly it because it’s a secret between me and Him (you can message me if you’re looking for ideas yourself), but that’s just how much I value my personal time with God. I wanna please Him in as many ways possible!
The time I spend at church is only a fraction of how much time I spend with God, learning things about God, or thinking about God during the week. I come to church filled and full of love and energy, full of peace and gratefulness for all He’s done, and that’s how it should be for leaders. If every single thing you do on your Christian walk needs to be with other people or recorded for Instagram, then you’re missing out on the best part about being Christian: having a personal, intimate, relationship with your Father. God adores his time with us, He died for this very reason!
All this to say, if you’re a worship leader, worship should be at the core of your being. This time, I am actually talking about praising God as opposed to just obedience. Your heart should be full of gladness, thankfulness, and adoration for Him, and that should make you want to do things for God in your personal, private time. If you’re not making time for Him during your week, it’s time to start doing so!
About Pride, Selfish Desires, and Ungodly Worship
Many churches just hire or volunteer any musicians they can get their hands on, and I get it. Not many people can play an instrument, especially in this day and age where electronically made music has taken over.
I did ask myself why don’t churches just use backing tracks, but I get that people may wanna change keys, repeat certain parts, slow things down, speed things up, transition into other songs, and just go with the flow, and that could only happen with a live band. And since a worship/song service has become such a staple in every Western church, the show must go on!
But as I said earlier, this really shouldn’t be so. The Apostles and the early churches really didn’t have a song service…even sermons weren’t really a thing. They were on a mission to spread the gospel and live like Christ. You think the underground churches in China or South Korea or Iran have the privilege to have a band and sing out loud? Pfft. Many don’t even have bibles, so they are starving to hear the word, something we take for granted.
And before you make any assumptions, I’m not saying music is bad or has no places in the church. God made music, and Ephesians 5:19 and Colossians 3:16 tells us to ‘speak and encourage one another with, hymns, psalms and spiritual songs’. We are so blessed to have music that touches us, and it’s a beautiful thing to sing and praise God through them together!
But at the same time, Amos 5:21-24 gives a grave warning from God himself: “I hate, I despise your feasts, and I take no delight in your solemn assemblies. Even though you offer me your burnt offerings and grain offerings, I will not accept them; and the peace offerings of your fattened animals, I will not look upon them. Take away from me the noise of your songs; to the melody of your harps I will not listen. But let justice roll down like waters, and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream.”
There’s many other verses where God shares His heart about those who try to worship and praise Him, but aren’t living in the way He commanded. Matthew 15:8-9 says “These people draw near to Me with their mouth, and honor Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me. And in vain they worship Me, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.” Hosea 6:6 says again “For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.”
God makes it clear what He wants from us. While song service can glorify Him, God only really enjoys our service, sacrifices, and praise when we are already living in obedience and have a heart that is close to Him, that seeks and loves Him. Would a gift from your obedient, loving child or disobedient, hateful child mean more to you? Think about it. Even if the loving child’s gift was a simple drawing, it would be that much more precious than a new iPhone from the child who never listens and makes your life miserable.
Again, church has lost sight of what worship was always supposed to be about, loving God, aligning ourselves with Jesus’s character, and being His representatives to the world. As mentioned in the last post, spending personal, private time with your Father is most important, and then connecting with the body of Christ and sharing your gifts, encouraging and edifying each other is second. So how did we get from this to creating Christian celebrities and planning entertaining services?
Sadly, thanks to culture and Hollywood, music has been glorified and we’ve come to idolize musicians and artists, inside and outside of the church. And in turn, many worship leaders do seek the limelight, fame, popularity, money and girls. Many see church as a stepping stone, hoping to make an album, to have concerts or tours and lots of fans one day. As they fall deeper into pride and selfish desires, they often forget what this is all about…praising and adoring God.
In a secular band, there’s already so much drama due to pride and egos. You got those who don’t really care and don’t put in much effort. You got those who are so desperate to be famous that they’ll play an unplanned 10-minute solo. You got those who think the band needs them and would be nowhere without them. Bands don’t last long for a reason. Even the ones that are over a decade old still break up for the same reasons: difference in music, someone wanting to go solo and do their own thing, a prideful member making everyone miserable, money etc etc.
And don’t think this changes just because this band is part of a church. There’s still people who hope to be seen and to become a big artist on the day. There’s still people who always have to be the main singer and refuses to do backup or harmonies. There’s people who show up late to rehearsals and never seem to have their songs ready, but refuse to be corrected. You’re dealing with a bunch of personalities who are forced to work together, so there’s going to be members who just don’t vibe with one another. .
But you see, if you had a band full of true Christians who truly love God and are here to humbly serve their Father, it would be different. Think about marriage. When both people are focused on God and the covenant they made with Him and each other, they will prioritize the well being and happiness of their spouse first and foremost. If they have the fruits of the Holy Spirit and follow the guidance of the Word, both people will be caring, sacrificial, willing to admit mistakes and apologize, they’ll forgive each other, and all will be good. There will be harmony.
But if both people in the marriage have no one to be accountable to and are self-seeking, they’ll be inconsiderate, unforgiving, stubborn, prideful, and even petty. Same with a Christian band. Some members will demand diva treatment thinking they are a goddess, some will do evil things behind closed doors and risk ruining the reputation of the group, some will leave if they are offered more money elsewhere. The genuine worshippers would be tired of the toxic people around them and may leave as well. There will always be drama and heartache.
Philippians 2:3-4 makes it clear “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”
It is the church’s responsibility to screen those who they put in positions of visibility and influence. Many have become so slack or so desperate that they’ll take any volunteer with any kind of talent, but this really shouldn’t be so. Your worship leaders should have a heart that is loving, humble, and kind, who is dedicated to the work of the gospel. If you can’t find true Christians to serve on your worship team, then have the congregation sing acapella, or just don’t have a song service.
If you feel music and a live band is so vital to your service that it is necessary to hire non-Christian musicians, then you need to check your motives. Are you trying to attract people via music? To please and excite your audience? Maybe you’re trying to compete with other bigger churches. None of those are good reasons. Church should be focused on God, not pleasing other people.
It is much better to have a simple church service of communion, prayer, and bible reading than to have worship service with wicked people who God doesn’t care to listen to.
Worship Leaders Should Be Involved In Their Church
My old church always had a full band, but ask me their names…I can’t tell you. I don’t recall these people ever interacting with members of the congregation. They get there early, they leave there late as they gotta pack up, and then they disappear. Even when I was volunteering on the A/V team, I didn’t interact with these people. They may be in the groove and play really well, but they didn’t seem happy or approachable. But, are we not all brothers and sisters?
Worship leaders should not be in their own world, secluded and left alone. They aren’t celebrities, they aren’t special individuals. The church is not a building with people in power, it’s a community of people. If the worship leaders are part of the church, then they should be just as involved in other aspects of the church, whether it’s bible study, prayer meetings, evangelism, or volunteering for kid’s camp. They should be humble enough to clean some toilets if asked to (I’ve done it).
I love when pastors who have their own channels or books still take the time to respond to calls, emails, and comments they receive from people around the world. Many are willing to visit whatever church, and even have coffee with random individuals if they have the time to do so. It makes them feel more human, and definitely more Christ-like. Wasn’t Jesus approachable? Wasn’t Jesus walking on the streets, visiting people’s homes, eating with tax collectors, and healing the sick? A pastor that needs a security team and refuses to speak to anyone outside of certain situations is a red flag. Same with worship leaders.
Our influence is so vital. Who knows how many young people could have been worship leaders one day if the worship team exuded a warmth that people felt comfortable coming to, if they got a chance to talk to them and be encouraged by them? If they got to know them more at church picnics? If they were in the pews talking to those around them? Who else is going to teach people about church music and what it means to serve with their gifts?
Being a worship leader may be a title given to me and others, but at the end of the day, we’re simply Christians who are part of the body of Christ, aka the Church. We should be willing to do whatever God calls us to do, and one of those things is to assist, encourage, and edify one another. You can’t do that when the only time you exist is on the stage, and you’re unreachable otherwise. Get off your high horse.
“What If I Serve In An Unbiblical Church?”
Leave. I know that sounds harsh, and I get that it’s a very simple answer to what may be a very complex situation for you, but in most cases, that really is the only option if you truly want to serve God and continue in your own spiritual walk. Let me elaborate…
Chances are, you’re serving at a decent-sized already-established church with their own doctrine and leaders who stand by those beliefs. It’s probably part of a bigger church denomination or organization, so they don’t make the rules to begin with. Their doctrinal beliefs are written somewhere, and anyone who joins must align themselves with it.
If you are lucky enough to go to a smaller and/or non-denominational church where those in power positions are still humble and open to listening and being corrected, than that’s super rare and really amazing! Definitely share, teach, edify, and sharpen one another so you can all grow spiritually together. Not all hope is lost in that case.
My current church, for example, while they are the only branch of a bigger church in Nigeria, we are pretty much independent. Almost everyone in our church is involved in some way, such as admin, A/V, or music. They also do daily prayer meets where various members lead. While service is only 10am-12pm on Sunday, most of us are there from 9am to 1pm to help setup and to fellowship afterwards. We are a family coming together to make this work.
The pastor himself said that ‘if he ever had to go on vacation or something, he knows we could keep running church ourselves, and that’s what he wanted’…and that’s how it should be! He’s only a couple years older than me, and I’m a couple months older than his wife. Besides one older couple with 4 kids, most of us are in our 20s or early 30s. Thus, if our pastor ever went apostate, I’m sure we would all come together to confront and correct him, and kick him out if he refuses to change. And that’s also how it should be according to Paul’s epistles.
If you let false teachings and evil abound, the whole church will be swayed in that direction, and Jesus Himself will reject that church as we see in Revelation 2 and 3. Sadly, we’re at a point in time where many churches have a foundation of false teaching and the leaders will stand for those unbiblical beliefs, as you’ve seen with the church/cult I grew up in during my testimony.
From what I’ve seen online and personally experienced, most churches are set in their ways and often pride themselves in their beliefs and views, even to the point of mocking other biblical concepts like the trinity (“Godhead” is the term in the bible), rapture (from the Greek word “harpazo”), spiritual gifts (1 Corinthians 12), Israel’s redemption (Most books of prophecy), Jesus’s return and earthly reign (Revelation), etc. They don’t care to hear any disputes because ‘they are right, and every other person or church that believes these things are wrong. End of story’.
While many of these disagreements are secondary issues and shouldn’t be a cause of division in the body of Christ, it’s good to get to the root of it. A lot of these weird doctrines and rules come from ‘angels’ that were actually demons, or from prophets who were proven false and thus aren’t from God, yet people still followed and believed them, and a new denomination was built from that. Other things come from pagan origin like Christmas trees, rosary beads, and statues. If you read through the bible and you notice your church is doing something that’s not written in there, you should do some research.
The SDA church for example were way off, you’d wonder how they even came up with some ideas like ‘Jesus cleaning the heavenly sanctuary’ or the ‘investigative judgement’. But turns out the founder, Ellen G White, didn’t believe Jesus was God (she believed he was a created angel), and thus she didn’t believe Jesus’s sacrifice was enough to be saved, and thus she pushed all these old testament observances and even created other rules (ie no caffeine, piercings) to be more righteous, like the Pharisees did.
While there are new testament verses directly saying ‘don’t judge others by food or drink or Sabbaths’ (Colossians 2:16)…that’s exactly what they do!! 1 Timothy 4 reads “Now the Spirit expressly says that in latter times some will depart from the faith, giving heed to deceiving spirits and doctrines of demons, speaking lies in hypocrisy, having their own conscience seared with a hot iron, forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from foods which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and know the truth.” Hmm…
We can also refer to Galatians 1:8 that says “But even if we, or an angel from heaven, preach any other gospel to you than what we have preached to you, let him be accursed.” Did you know Ellen talks about her ‘accompanying angel’ over 50 times in her books? She claimed to have many dreams and visions that enlightened her, but later, people found out she plagiarized other people’s work. She can’t be trusted.
She also made many prophecies that didn’t come to pass, such as Jesus coming in her time, slavery in America won’t be abolished, and America will go to war with Europe. Deuteronomy 18:22 says “When a prophet speaks in the name of the Lord, if the word does not come to pass or prove true, that is a word which the Lord has not spoken”. She is the pillar of the Adventist faith, but she is a false prophetess. Take away her teachings and twisted verses, and they got nothing to stand on.
Now, that’s an example of something unbiblical being pushed onto believers, but here’s an example of a biblical law being ignored and rejected by many believers: homosexuality. Some will say that the bible doesn’t say anything against that, but it very clearly does, with Sodom and Gomorrah (Genesis 18-19) being the most visual example of how God feels about it. If it wasn’t a sin or wasn’t stated in the bible, then the community wouldn’t have had to create their own ‘Queen James Version’ of the bible to make them feel more comfortable.
Leviticus 18:22 states “You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination.” Why is it an abomination? Because it goes against God’s design for marriage, gender, family, and humanity, since they cannot be fruitful (don’t get started on IVF or whatever). Men and women have roles in the family, and they are to reflect God and lead their children, but that can’t happen in a same-sex relationship. Yet, despite what the bible says, many churches are not only accepting them, but celebrating them and allowing them to be pastors.
They’re even going so far as to allow drag queens to take the pulpit. The rainbow which once meant God’s covenant to not flood the earth again, now represent “Pride”, the very thing that led to Satan’s downfall (Isaiah 14:12-15). God opposes the proud (James 4:6). And you’ll notice, their rainbow has 6 colours, not 7 like the one God created…hmm. Might as well allow porn stars, murderers, and thieves to lead church as well. If you care more about being accepting than standing for God’s law, then you may as well!
More recently, the Methodist church was greatly divided because the governing body started accepting LGBT clergy and blessing same-sex couples, and many members weren’t standing for that. Since the law passed, those members decided to leave the church, and I applaud them. “What fellowship has light with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14). It’s encouraging to see people stand up for biblical truth, but where do they go now? It’s unfortunate to see so many churches now try to appeal to those who embrace this sin.
And before anyone gets triggered, I’m not saying LGBT people are not allowed in the church. We’re all sinners, we all need a savior, and we go to church to be saved and made clean. Jesus, the Physician, came for the sick (Mark 2:17)…but there’s a huge difference between a church ‘welcoming sinners’ and ‘allowing sin’. There’s a difference between being patient with someone who desires to change but is struggling with temptation, and actually praising them and encouraging them to continue in their sins that will lead them to hell.
1 Corinthians 6:9-11 says “Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.
God will do the sanctifying work in a sinner, but it’s still our duty to correct them so they can confess, repent, and be changed by God. You can love people and not tolerate what they do. If your mom was a thief, and she claims ‘that’s who she is’, are you going to accept, support, and praise her for this now? No. You will rebuke her because you care about her. You don’t want her to go to jail or get beat up or shot during a robbery. We speak up because we care, because we want what’s best of them, because we want them to go on the good and narrow path of righteousness.
And that goes for any sins. The LGBT community is sadly a target in this day and age when it comes to judgement and condemnation because they’re so noticeable, but there’s countless other commandments that the average person breaks that should also get scrutiny, things like pride, gossiping, lying, hating, lust and fornication, envy, and most of all, loving anything more than God (aa idolatry). But if we start accepting and compromising on even the biggest, most visible sins, then we’re never going to speak up and correct people in the smaller, more common sins. Anything goes at this point.
But God doesn’t change. He’s the same yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever (Malachi 3:6, Hebrews 13:8). If He hated something in Old Testament days, He hates it now. Our views may change, but that doesn’t change His feelings or views.
If God said He hates idols, and to abstain from fornication, and that witchcraft is an abomination, you think now He’s suddenly gonna be like “Ya know what? Go worship Moloch, I don’t mind! I’ve been too possessive and that isn’t fair to you. Sleep with whoever you want. Have all the pleasure you want and sacrifice your babies to him like the pagans did. I don’t really care about the family unit or marriage covenant anymore, it’s a new generation! And yeah, you can seek me through mediums and psychics and astrology and crystals and tarot cards, I’ll answer, I promise! Do what works for you!” Pfft, God forbid!
All that to say, just cause many people in your church or in other churches believes and agrees with something, doesn’t mean it’s suddenly right or biblical. Regardless of how the church thinks and feels, you need to know for yourself what the word says and stand by that, otherwise, you’ll get swept away with their possibly satanic teachings. God is quite clear on many things, and those who claim the bible doesn’t talk about certain things usually haven’t read the bible at all, or even choose to twist and ignore things, thus so much confusion and division.
While I was certainly comfy in an SDA church being that’s all I’ve ever known, the more the false doctrine stuck out, the more I knew I had to go. I still prayed about it and wrote an email to the pastor and a huge document with countless verses disputing their beliefs…but they weren’t going to change.
I didn’t want to have to have my guard up for every sermon and sift through what’s true and false. I didn’t want to end up arguing with every other person I talk to because our beliefs are different. I’m going to church cause my soul is seeking to connect with the body of Christ. I don’t want to be vexed and have to fight and argue every week.
Now, I wasn’t offered to be on their worship team at that time (thank God), but even if, say, the first few months actually had biblical sermons, and I got more and more involved, and then I was offered a position and was on their worship team for a while, and only then did they cover Revelation where their false doctrine stuck out like a sore thumb…..I would have still left.
I don’t want to support a church that isn’t following the true gospel of Christ, a church that isn’t going to lead others to salvation. Remember what I said about protecting our testimonies? If I claim to be a follower of Christ and to be enlightened by the Spirit and his Word, and yet, I was using my talents and time to support a cult that many channels and blogs online have proven to be unbiblical, what are people to think?
Leaving the church I grew up in and stood by boldly all my life shows spiritual growth, discernment, humility, and more. It shows I’m serious about seeking the truth regardless of what people think, regardless of the enemies I may make on the way (Jesus didn’t come to bring peace, but a sword! – Matthew 10:34-36). It shows that I’m aware that I am called to be a light, to make disciples, but I know I need to get my own doctrine and life straightened out first to do so.
If I stayed even though I knew it’s a false church, me preaching to others about the true gospel and telling others how to live a godly life would be the equivalent of someone in a toxic abusive relationship telling you to leave your toxic abusive relationship. They seem to know better if they’re advising you, but when you ask why they don’t follow their own advice and leave their toxic relationship, all they got is excuses. That’s hypocrisy.
Who am I to point out and condemn other false churches, like Catholicism or Mormons or Jehovah Witnesses, but stay in my own? Who I am to point out and advise against prosperity preachers or money hungry leaders, when I seem to financially support the SDA church that has many false teachers of their own? Who am I to call out other false prophets on YouTube, but stand by the false prophetess who founded the SDA church? Hypocrite! Jesus had a lot to say against hypocrites, let me tell ya (Matthew 23). I don’t want to be one of them.
Not everyone is going to ask me about why I go to my church or what my story is. People will make assumptions with the little information they know or what they see me do. This is why a Christian who goes to clubs and gets drunk and sleeps around doesn’t need to say anything more. No one cares about why you’re doing it, they’re just going to assume you’re not really a Christian, or worse, they’ll think that it’s okay for a Christian to live like that.
Just cause a place has the title of ‘church’ doesn’t mean they’re accepted by God. A huge 50,000 member congregation doesn’t mean the Holy Spirit is working in that place. People have itching ears at the end of the day, they wanna hear things that please them and make them feel good. Jesus is outside of these churches knocking, but they won’t let Him in (Revelation 3:20). The same God they claim to serve, He isn’t there communing with them. Be careful, be discerning.
Always remember that YOU are part of the church, a member of Christ’s body. You don’t need a building or a church membership or anything like that. You don’t need 50 or 200 or 1000 people to worship God. “Where 2 or 3 are gathered, God is in the midst to bless” (Matthew 18:20). Better to have a couple godly friends, a small home church, or even an online bible study, than to be part of the Laodicean church that Jesus was so disgusted with that He spewed out of His mouth in Revelation 3.
Even if that means you don’t get to serve with your talents anymore, again, the priority is to love God and do what pleases Him. He will be pleased with you and your sacrifice if you’re following and obeying Him first and foremost. And hopefully, like He did with me, He will lead you to a better church where you can serve Him once again!
Conclusion
Just like how God loves a cheerful giver, He loves a cheerful worshipper too. He should be the only reason why you’re in front of the church serving others with your musical talents. If other musical opportunities or financial benefits come, sweet! God blesses those who serves Him and loves Him, and the worker deserves his wages (1 Timothy 5:18) but never let that be the goal. Never let that blind you to what this is all about, or you will fall like many worship leaders and Christian artists before you have.
Stay close to God, and remember the most important commandment: to love Him with all your heart, soul, mind and strength (Matthew 22:37). Don’t serve Him out of obligation, boredom, selfish ambitions, or hidden agendas. Serve Him out of true love, adoration, and joy, and with goals to edify and bless the church. If you don’t feel your heart is in the right place, you don’t have to do it. It’s better you don’t do it.
“Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you fail to meet the test!” 2 Corinthians 13:5.