My Testimony
Deceived, Brokenhearted,
Caught Up In The World...
But GoD Was Always Pursuing Me.
I Was born again in 2023, and now Pursue Him Wholeheartedly.
My Childhood
& History In Music
Hello! I’m Nostalgia. I was dedicated to God as a baby and grew up in the Seventh-Day Adventist church; HOWEVER, I have since been born again and reject that church and their teachings. As much as I’ve tried countless times to keep my testimony short, it’s just not possible as God has been keeping me and leading me since I was young, and so many aspects of my life contribute to why I am such a strong believer now. Here’s my story:
As a child, I always had some faith in God. I would read children bible stories and devotionals, watch Christian movies, and even read my own KJV bible here and there. I saw the wisdom and protection in God’s laws, so I never got into things like drinking or drugs, nor did I care to eat unclean foods as I was already a picky eater. I always went to public schools in Toronto, and them being super multicultural, there were a lot of influences around me; but thanks to God’s teachings, I never cared much about popularity and money, never worshipped celebrities as I knew they were sinful human beings like me, and I never cared much about my looks and beauty. In fact, I was quite the tomboy: No fashion sense, hated makeup, rather play sports, climb trees, watch the cooler boy shows etc. Since I cared more about the heart than looks, I was usually the only one that reached out to the loners and outcasts, and realizing they’re sweet and we have things in common, they usually became my best friends.
I was allowed to watch, listen, or play whatever I desired but I personally never liked the love/boy-crazy pop music on the radio, nor the sexual and violent hip hop/rap music my brother listened to, so for a while, I didn’t even have a favourite genre outside of gospel. But then a friend borrowed me her Hilary Duff CD and I realized I really like rock music, especially when the lyrics are encouraging and fun! I then got more into Family Channel (Disney), and found other artists I liked, like Hannah Montana and Ashley Tisdale, along with soundtracks from Cheetah Girls, High School Musical and Camp Rock. I grew up with TV shows like Pokemon, Sailormoon, Beyblade and Yu-Gi-Oh!, so when I found out all the shows that really had an influence on me were from Japan, I took a deep interest in the country and their media ever since. After hearing the original Japanese Digimon opening, which is a pop rock song, I fell in love with Japanese music since~
There were definitely times I felt God came through for me even back then. One memory that sticks out was when I was about 11 and lost a wallet with a cute keychain that my closest cousin (a girl who lived in the same building) gave me. It only had $5 and my school ID in it, so it wasn’t worth much, but I valued the gift. I prayed on my knees for a week hoping to get it back. Eventually, my future high school called my middle school telling me they have it, and to come pick it up. A student found it on the bus and turned it in. I’ve also lost a watch, ring, MP3 player, USB, and even dropped my phone in the snow on my way to school, but I always had those things returned to me, and I always do my best to return lost goods too. I’ll share more stories below for timeline’s sake.
As for church, my family would attend 2-3 times a month, and we’d even have our own worship services to open and close the Sabbath. I didn’t mind the Sabbath, especially since I got a break from doing chores (eldest female), but there were times it was inconvenient, like if I wanted to watch a new Family Channel movie on Friday night, or was invited to a party on Saturday, or had a big project due on Monday, but I chose to respect God’s laws. The movie will replay another day, I didn’t care much about parties anyways, and I was always able to finish assignments on time. I will also say though, as you read this testimony, you’ll notice that all my friends know I’m Christian, and part of that is because of my consistent unavailability on Saturdays, and my instant rejection to thinks like pepperoni pizza, Pepsi, or Ice Capps from Tim Hortons (no caffiene for Adventists).
I didn’t really have friends at church as they all went to the same private Adventist school and were usually a part of scouts as well, so they would see each other literally every single day, yet only see me 1-3 times a month. My parents separated when I was 8, and not having a car, we didn’t attend as often due to public transit and weather. My brother was the first to stop going, but he has never shown any real interest in religion or the bible. When my little sister was born (same dad), my mom was too tired to go, and later, we struggled financially as she couldn’t find a job. We used to visit my father on weekends, until his new family moved in and we were forgotten, financially and physically. I still went to church on my own as a teen as I volunteered for their summer camp, was part of Pathfinders (Adventist Scouts) for 2 years, and later, was nominated to be part of the Audio/Visual team. So while I was never a regular church attendee, I was still well known having grown up there.
Another scenario where God came through for me was when I was 13. My mom reconnected with an old family friend (too young to know him) at an SDA camp meeting/conferences, and he started coming by regularly, bringing pizza mainly for me, and even getting a Nintendo DS game I really wanted. It was a little weird when he’d ask me to sit on his lap and such, but my mom was in the same room and didn’t say anything, so I didn’t think much of it. A couple times, he pinched my bum and would smile when I turned back, so I was completely clueless as to what that meant. If you didn’t figure it out yet, he was grooming me. My mom signed me up for Pathfinder Scouts, and they had a mandatory induction ceremony one Saturday night in winter. My mom with my baby sister really wasn’t up for coming out, so the man who was already at my place said he could take me. My mom was against it, but gave no real reasons as to why. It was mandatory, and I was really looking forward to the international camp meeting that was believed to be happening that summer, so I begged, and she allowed it.
As we headed out, he attempted to kiss me in the elevator but only got my cheek (barf). Really weird, but I’m still clueless. On the way back, he was asking me about going here and there, telling me he could get me another game, but I just wanted to go home. It was already really late, and I doubt any stores were open anyways. He then stopped for pizza on the way home, and as we waited in the car, he touch my chest on top of my jacket, and I knew then that he was definitely doing something wrong. I didn’t have a phone or anything though. Thankfully, he brought me home. With him still there, I managed to at least say “he touched me” to my mom, and she kicked him out. I learned something more recently from the male cousin I currently live with. While him and his family weren’t Adventist, his mom signed him up for Pathfinders to keep him out of trouble, so he was also being inducted that night (behind me in photo). So when I had yet to come home, my mom called his mom, and she asked him if he saw me. While he has yet to truly turn to God, he was one of probably a few people who prayed for me to come home that night. Who knows what other way it could have went, cause I really didn’t feel like he was trying to take me home o___o
In high school, I made my first vow of sorts with God. My Grade 10 English teacher played a couple X-Men movies for us, and it got me really interested in mental powers like telekinesis and telepath, and upon doing research, some said we can meditate and control our chi/psi to do such things. I also watched Avatar the Last Airbender and wanted to air or ice bend. I had a friend who was all for weird shenanigans and I remember us trying a couple times to read each other’s mind. But months later, realizing how weak I am, and not knowing if I’d be able to stay calm enough to do anything mental if in a dangerous and scary scenario, I started to question my pursuit of power.
At first, I thought I just wanted it cause it’s cool, but the root of it was fear and a desire to protect myself. My brother was quite abusive. If I even stepped in his room, or was in the washroom when he needed it, he would yell and hit me. He’d bang on doors and have punched holes in the wall. He had the only computer, so I’d rush home to use it, but then flee the second I hear him coming down the hallway. Sometimes, I’d try to run to my mom for protection or tell her what he did to me, but she wouldn’t believe me, or brush it off as kids playing, or make me the villain cause I scratched him in defense. Despite my brother being suspended many times for hurting other kids, she would never believe anything bad about him. Additionally. growing up in a dangerous neighbourhood (Jane & Finch area), I was quite scared of the outside world. But at this point, I figured that God is sovereign over all and He’s everywhere! If I were kidnapped or anything, He would be the only one that could truly come and save me. So at that point, I decided to stop pursuing power and trust in God to keep me safe or rescue me instead. Up until today, I’ve never been robbed, assaulted, kidnapped, or anything on the street, nor have I been a witness to anything traumatizing.
As for music, my parents played various Christian and secular music on records, tapes, and CDs, and while they didn’t play instruments much themselves, there was a keyboard, guitar, and harmonica around. I always loved the subject, and played the recorder and keyboard in elementary, clarinet in middle and high school, and the viola and bass drum (drum line) in after school programs. I was also a part of choir for a couple years, a drama club musical, and cheerleading. I not only performed with friends or my class at my school’s assemblies/talent shows, but also got to perform with clubs at various places across the city, even Massey Hall and Roy Thompson Hall! However, due to my classmates showing little interest in the subject, we barely went beyond the basics, and for performances, I had more than enough time to practice and memorize a piece; thus, my sight reading, improvisation, and song writing skills never developed back then, and I was convinced that kids who could do these things had a natural talent I didn’t. So when I graduated high school, I retired from music, figuring that I wouldn’t have a career in it anyways, and choose a safe career to help my mom and family financially.
Grade 12 (2011-2012) was when I had my first serious awakening when it comes to religion. I had my first baptism when I was 12 when I found out my only SDA friend at school was baptized, and when I inquired with my mom how it gets done, it was set up before I knew it. But now at 17, I was more ready and serious about following Christ. I started reading my bible cover to cover, starting with the new testament, to prepare for my baptism in December.
That same semester, I was taking a university philosophy course to try and earn a scholarship. The topic was ‘the meaning of life’, and the atheistic philosophers all agreed that ‘meaning is a delusion, that we’re accidents, and we’re just here to pass on our genes and die like animals do’. While I didn’t want to believe that, I wasn’t able to logically defend what was blind faith at the time, and I started to question and doubt my own beliefs. I stopped reading my bible cause, ‘what’s the point if what they’re saying is true?’ In my depression or ‘existential vacuum’, I keep feeling this nudge to read ‘just one more page’, and after a few days, I heeded. The next page included Colossians 2:8 that reads “Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ.” I was surprised to even see the word ‘philosophy’ in the bible, but I knew this verse was for me. With new found motivation, I dug deeper and learned that the bible is rooted in history and evidence, and I learned how to defend my faith logically and philosophically. And of course, with more confidence, I got baptized as planned.
As I continued to read through the bible, the gospel was quite apparent. Many times the new testament said ‘we are saved by faith alone’, and it made sense, ‘it’s either faith or works, can’t be both’. But due to the Adventist pride in my heart, one where we feel more righteous than others because we keep the Sabbath (4th commandment) and didn’t eat unclean foods, and cause we believed we knew our bible better than other denominations and were God’s true church, it was really hard letting go of the law. After all, God gave them for a reason, and ‘if we love Him, we’ll keep His commandments’ (John 14:15). I couldn’t fathom willingly breaking God’s law (mainly the Sabbath) just because we are saved, so I wasn’t sure how to put the pieces together. I didn’t have the internet at home at this time, and the Sunday keepers around me, since elementary days, didn’t know anything about the Sabbath to argue against my beliefs or prove me wrong, so I struggled to figure out how to balance law and grace.
Other things also led to a time of inner conflict around this time. After gaining assurance about God, I tried keeping more of the Old Testament, but it became quite a heavy burden, which led to more condemnation, and feeling more intimidated to come to God. I always ate gummy bears and marshmallows, but after finding out gelatin was made from pork, I tried to abstain…but man, the temptation was too strong! I obeyed my mom for the most part, but I would always fight with her about unfair chores as I was always the default even though I have two siblings. As much as I desired to keep the laws better, I felt like I was doing worse, and became a little hopeless.
I also experienced some church hurt when a guest pastor came and his whole sermon was about statistics that prove that kids who grew up in a bad neighbourhood, with divorced parents and/or low-income families, in public school, etc etc would become bad kids…like thanks for describing my life. His opinion would have been whatever being a guest, but hearing the congregation say ‘amen’ and cheer for him really broke my heart. “If that’s how they really feel about kids like me….” I went to church alone that day, and the sermon is usually what I look forward to the most, but as the tears started to fall, I just had to walk out and take the bus home. I think I stopped going to church much after that. Either way, I was clearly learning way more at home with my bible than I did there.
My (Horrible) Search For Love & Living In The World/Pursuing Dreams
In my first year of University, I had my first kiss by accident, like a K-drama! He was my best friend at the time, the first person I ever truly opened up to. I’m used to having my feelings brushed aside by my mom, but he actually listened and understood, and I was even able to cry in front of him cause I felt safe with him….but not even days after we first made out, he started touching me, and a week later, he tried to take things much, much further. I wasn’t ready for any of that, nor was willing, but had yet to find my voice to stop him due to years of abuse. I was scared to upset any guy in any way as he may yell or hit me like my brother would. Feeling trapped and scared, but really trying to save my purity until marriage, I started praying in my head, and he immediately backed off. He apologized, but then ghosted me.
I didn’t have much of a dating life before. Guys confessed to me in school, and I’d give them a chance, but they didn’t make any efforts to get to know me or to plan dates, so I’d end it within a month. I’ve also confessed to a couple guy friends, but they friend-zoned me. So by the time I was in Grade 11, I decided I would be single for life. I didn’t care to have kids, so I didn’t see a purpose for a husband. And after seeing my parents marriage fall apart, and knowing so many kids who also grew up with single moms, why would I take that chance? The only thing I really dreamt of was having my own room/place, to be free! …But now, I was curious about what having a real relationship could be like, to have a guy who actually loved and adored me, who’d listen and take an interest with me, and to have someone to go out and do new or cute things with. After all, I never felt heard at home and was regularly mocked for my interests, and friends would disappear when they found a guy, so maybe I would be happier or more complete if I had a guy who was dedicated to me….or so I thought.
Being a homebody who was now desperate to find a boyfriend, I tried online dating. I was very detailed about myself and what I was looking for on my page, trying to be upfront and honest in hopes of finding more compatible matches, but this turned out to be a horrible idea as they could lie and manipulate you based on that information. A few guys reached out, and I’d talk to them for weeks or months before meeting them. They were usually broke as well, so I never got to go on any real dates. I prided myself on being low-maintenance and didn’t need that stuff anyways, but that was also a mistake. Despite them not really doing anything for me, they were quick to kiss and touch me, trying to take things further. I didn’t understand why guys were so quick to move things in that direction….but in an effort to understand, I ended up watching porn and ‘experimenting’. Sexual fantasies filled my head since then.
The following year, I swiped ‘no’ on an Asian guy, not cause I don’t like Asians (I’ll even admit to having a slight fetish), but he looked like a Kpop star, and I didn’t think he or his family would be interested in black girls. He surprisingly reached out to me after and he seemed really cool. He then revealed his real face (average looking, lots of acne, same height as me too), but I didn’t mind or care much. I always look at the heart first and foremost. He took serious interest in me after as he said other girls would stop talking to him, and he was so eager to meet me, saying he’ll be my husband and such, and somehow, he manipulated and pressured me into giving his virginity the same day we met. After going home that evening, I cried from the guilt. After all, virginity was a big sign of purity to the Christian, and now I was dirty. When I shared my feelings with him on the phone, he just yelled at me and put me down, doing a full 180 from who I thought I was, and I knew I made a huge mistake.
Believing my first would be my only, I put up with the mistreatment for a couple months. He had a phone but no phone plan, so he would only be able to contact me when he had Wi-Fi, thus making it hard to coordinate meet ups. He would also be extremely late, so I’d be waiting at a location for hours, and the minute I left to use the washroom was when he came in but didn’t find me, so he’d then go elsewhere and tell me to meet him there. He had a car, I didn’t. I was gonna plan something for my birthday, but he told me he wanted to do something with me, and I waited all day, just for him to not show up or message me. He also said he’d come to college graduation, but again, no show. I was feeling really broken and worthless, but I only had myself to blame. I should have followed God’s law…I deserve this for me sins (or so I believed). In my time of despair, a newer family friend who was about 4-5 years older than me took advantage and raped me. Surprisingly, it wasn’t as traumatizing as the relationship I was in, and it actually freed me from my boyfriends chains. After all, he’s not my ‘one and only’ anymore. Nothing really mattered anymore tbh. I continued to online date, but came across some weird guys, some smelly guys, and many emotionally-unstable guys….Was it that hard to have one decent relationship?
Thankfully, I came across one Asian guy (for the record, I’ve dated mostly blacks, along with 3 whites, and 2 Asians, so don’t come for me!). I reached out first as his username was a Digimon, my all-time favourite show, and we connected…as friends. We both knew we weren’t what each other was looking for, me wanting a Christian, and him wanting a white redhead, so we really were just friends. We chatted online for 6 months before ever meeting. At this point, I got my first job out of college as a janitor for the Pan Am games downtown, and he lived downtown too. So in an effort to meet, I passed by before my night shift, and we played video games in his family’s living room. To my surprise, he didn’t try to touch me or take advantage of me, and that really meant so much to me. We were able to just talk, laugh, and have fun as friends. A few weeks later, since we were both desperate for one decent relationship (thus us being on a dating site), I pitched that we try dating just for the experience. He was open to the idea, but he really wanted to get his virginity out of the way…I was scared of being used again, but complied. Thankfully, he did make the relationship official, and we had a pretty sweet and cute relationship for about 14 months. By October 2016, I had the experience I desired, and was completely done with dating and men in general.
In 2017, I had an epiphany of sorts. It took me 4 job changes to finally get a job in the field I studied as a medical receptionist. While I was great at my job and I enjoyed interacting with clients, it wasn’t very fulfilling, and you weren’t really respected or appreciated. While the money was certainly good, I didn’t want to be like other adults who were miserable, envious, and regretful since they didn’t chase their real dreams and only did certain jobs to survive. I only did 1 year of University with the scholarship, but then switched to an accelerated college course so I could get a job faster and help my mom out since we were really struggling. No internet, no cable, phone bills getting cut off, her needing to borrow from me (never my brother) due to eviction notices etc, it was that bad. But now, I’m in a more financially stable place with a good amount of savings, so it was time to treat myself and be a little selfish. So I started pursuing my dreams and crossing things off my bucket list.
I only had 3 dreams that I knew I had to do before I died: Go to Japan, Play with a Band on Stage, and Move Out. Out of the three, going to Japan was the most possible at the time. I initially asked some friends who I knew were interested if they’d be able to go within the next few years, but they all said ‘no’. Instead of waiting for what may never be, I figured I would go by myself that same year, which is crazy! I’ve never been outside of North America, and always travelled with adults who did all the planning, but I felt capable having learned to navigate Toronto’s transit system to go to job interviews all across the city, and I was excited as I would get to do only what I wanted to do. I didn’t care for hikes, most tourist traps, and as a picky eater, I wouldn’t want to spend half the trip in restaurants either cause of foodie friends, so I thought this would actually be really fun! My mom was against me going, especially alone, but she had no luck finding me a travel buddy either. I assured her that Japan is one of the safest countries in the world, I know some of the language to get around, told her I’d have WiFi on me all the time, and I’ll let her know in advance where I plan to stay each night. She finally gave me the ‘Okay’, and I immediately booked my round ticket flight ($1800). I wasn’t willing to pay hundreds extra for insurance, so I was super cautious to ensure nothing happened between now and then that would get in the way of this trip.
Now, despite my excitedness, I was also greatly terrified. Yeah, Japan is safe, I doubt I’ll be attacked or killed over there, but I watched a lot of Discovery Channel’s May Day, so I was terrified of the plane crashing, especially considering the length of the trip. Japan is also prone to natural disasters, mainly earthquakes and tsunamis. I would hate for something big to happen while I was there, especially when I was alone. Not to mention, if I get lost or lose my stuff, I would have no one else to rely on. Honestly, I was convinced I would/could die on this trip, and even had some last outings with my friends if that was the case. Despite this fear, I also knew that if I didn’t go, I’ll always have that regret, that unrest in my soul, and that jealousy/envy of others who got to go, so I knew I had to face my fears and go regardless. While I wasn’t living right at the same time, I did earnestly pray to God for a safe trip, and He came through for me.
Funny story, I actually almost missed my flight back, I arrived early and was one of the first people to check in, but I got caught up in observatory cafe and the many shops there. At a point, I realized I didn’t pass security yet. I knew I wouldn’t eat airplane food, so I had on my obituary to get Udon before getting on the flight, but decided to skip it (and starve) to get through security. As I was heading to my gate, I saw a beef bowl stand and sat down to eat (had to return the bowl). As I was served my plate, I saw my flight was boarding. “It’s okay, it took a good hour for my flight to board back in Toronto, surely I have time”…..but not even 5 minutes later, it said “Last Call” (probably a layover stop). So I got up and ran! The place was surprisingly quite empty, and my gate was surprisingly far. Thankfully, a worker noticed me and asked if I was going to Toronto. After saying ‘yes’, he alerted them with his walkie-talkie, and helped me carry my stuff to the plane. The flight left less than 5 minutes after I got on. There was only 1 or 2 flights a week, so if I didn’t come back when my mom expected me, doubt she’d let me travel again. I’d also be missing work and paying extra for the hotel, so thank God I made it!
After achieving such a big and terrifying feat, I gained the courage to do and pursue many other things. I changed my career into my true childhood dream job, got back on stage for the first time as a guest Jpop dancer, went to my first concert ever to see my favourite Jrock band, and went to see a few other Japanese bands afterwards. I did more solo trips to Halifax and Yellowknife, where I got to see the northern lights. I also did various unique activities like indoor sky diving, hang gliding, riding a Segway, taking lessons at a parkour gym, and so on. I was no longer waiting for anyone, no longer making excuses, no longer playing victim. If there’s anything I wanted to do, I knew that if I believed in myself and worked hard towards it, I could make it happen.
In 2020, when others slowed down due to the pandemic, I saw it as an opportunity to try once more to bring my childhood band dream to life. I dusted off my guitar and seriously learned how to play. I also started putting up ads for members, hoping that, if we advertise and practice the songs at home in the meantime, we’d all be ready when the economy opens up again.
I bought my first website domain earlier that year to get into blogging, something I was interested in ages ago. My first couple blog ideas (enjoying the single life and chasing your dreams) fell flat, not getting any views or traction. When my band officially got together in 2021, I created this website to promote us and to document our journey from rookie to stage (thus “Chromatic Dreamers”). I already knew how to design a website, so I got it looking nice pretty quickly. I also learned from past mistakes what to do or not do when it comes to SEO. Since we were playing anime/Jpop music, I started blogging about the topic, especially the musical theory behind it, something that took me ages to figure out as it’s quite different from English music. I was surprised by how much I had to say on this topic. Yeah, I’ve been interested in it for over a decade, but my anime friends didn’t know music outside of theme songs, and other otakus didn’t play instruments to know anything about theory, so I never had anyone to ask, nor to share my thoughts and discoveries on this topic until now. I also didn’t think anyone would care since no one was really writing about it, but it wasn’t long before I was getting tens, then hundreds of views a day, and this blog quickly became the highest ranking blog on many search queries!
In September 2020, I finally moved out. It was a dream I had since middle school as I always shared a room. As a child, my parents lived in a 1-bedroom, so I shared the room with my brother while my parents had the living room. After my parents separated, we moved to a 2-bedroom, so me and my brother had my own room while my mom still stayed in the living room. My father also had a 3-bedroom house in Brampton, so I had my own room when we’d visit on weekends or holidays…but then my sister was born, and my father’s step kids took over our rooms there, so I had to share once again. Additionally, as the eldest female, I was expected to do most of the chores, especially dishes which took a lot of time, and babysitting my little sister, while my brother got to do and go and come as he pleased, but now, it was my turn to relax.
Additionally, I was always shy and hesitant to practice music if my family could hear as they like to tease and mock, so up until then, I was playing unplugged, quiet enough for my sister to sleep near me. But due to that, I never got to practice proper muting for things like distortion, which is vital for rock music. But now that I have some privacy, I could play more frequently and boldly, thus improving a lot faster. My male cousin, same one from Pathfinders, he was living on and off with my family after he got kicked out from his home, and we became close. We were the same age, he liked anime too, and he’d help me with chores and babysitting, so I enjoyed his presence. When I moved out, my mom pushed him to go with me, and he ended up in the living room. I didn’t mind at all as I didn’t need that much space anyways. He was also the only one that really listened to me, and was supportive of my dreams.
In Summer 2021, our band started rehearsing together as Covid restrictions finally lifted a bit. It was hard getting the guys to memorize and master the songs so we could learn more and do more, but they were a stubborn bunch. I was going to make this dream happen regardless. I wasn’t starting from scratch again. Third time better be the charm! In 2022, I started reaching out to anime conventions for an opportunity. Most only host singers and dancers, or didn’t have a panel that could fit us, so we got a few rejections. Others never got back, but to fair, some never got back up after Covid. Only one convention was willing to give us a chance, Pretty Heroes, but the host said it would be during their closing ceremonies in a classroom, and it would have to be acoustic. We were happy to take anything, especially for the experience, but it wouldn’t have fulfilled my bucket list dream.
After that gig, when summer came to an end and I was feeling kinda hopeless, sad I couldn’t fulfill my promise to my band to get them on stage that year…but then the host of the Jpop group I danced with years prior told me she was hosting her first Jpop event since then. Me and her ended on a rocky note back then due to misunderstandings, but during Covid, as I reflected on the past, I realized I was in the wrong and reached out to apologize to her. We started talking and built a real connection, even hanging out a couple times to shop or get milkshakes. So when I found out about this, I simply asked if my band could play for it, and she said ‘of course!!’.
Our official debut was really a huge highlight in my life. It was a dream I had since I was 13 and saw a band in the music room rehearsing. Not only was it so hard finding a good and dedicated group of people, but also learning to play guitar well enough to perform. I didn’t care for fame, I knew I wasn’t going to be the best guitarist or anything, I just wanted to experience this once and I’d be satisfied. It was quite exhausting organizing and working with the male musicians, and also financially draining for all the necessary equipment, the rehearsal space, our photoshoot, and all the time and money that went into this blog, but at least it wasn’t all for waste. I was ready to put down my guitar and move on with my life….but somehow, I’m still playing it today due to the requests and needs of others 😛
Waking Up To The Spiritual World
& Being Born AgaIn
So here’s where my true spiritual awakening comes in. In late 2022, the singer opened up to me that she was ‘spiritual’, and that she’d sometimes hear from spirits, and was interested in tarot cards and this and that. She was Latino and she claims that they’re naturally superstitious and sensual. Since young, I figured that witches had no power. They were just some made up idea like elves or vampires, and they were just using tricks of sorts…but I was also aware that the bible talked about them, so there must be some truth to them. Thus, I started doing research with hopes of warning her against it.
It didn’t take long before things started to click, and I learned that mediums and psychics get their knowledge from demons, and witches can also use their power to do as they please. I used to watch shows like Criss Angel (magician) and Long Island Medium, and while others would say ‘it’s just camera tricks and actors’, part of me always felt there was more to it, I just didn’t know what…but now I knew. Suddenly the world just felt darker. I was living in a bubble of positivity chasing my dreams, but now I was seeing Satan’s stain over everything. I also recalled the signs of the end times and realized….it’s all around us now.
I just wanted to run back to God. I instantly thanked Him for keeping me safe all this time in my ignorance, more so when I realized the people around me may be messing with some demonic things. A fake friend from high school loved scary movies and creepy things, and over the years, she started speaking to herself and acting weird. After I ended our friendship due to her dishonesty, she was later diagnosed with Schizophrenia, which I believe in her case, may actually be demon possession.
Others, like the host and her friends would cosplay in spooky costumes, and since I never celebrated Halloween, I assumed it was just innocent costumes and girls wanting to have fun. There were also lots of goths at her event. Only now did I realize some of them may actually be dealing with some dark arts [ex. I bought a cute double bubble tea pin from a vendor at spooky market she hosted (came only to help her), but never wore it as a fellow dancer told me right after my purchase that it was their bi-sexual pin. After being saved, I looked at the vendor’s Instagram page and saw lots of crystals, pentagrams, Ouija boards, and other demonic items and imagery. Trust me, right after I was saved, I threw out a whole lot of questionable or compromising things!].
I already volunteered to help the host with her Spooky Christmas event (handling the door) and I’m someone who always comes through. The host works at the venue, and I’ve been there 4 times for the year already (her birthday party, my band’s gig, Halloween maid cafe, spooky market), but now that I’ve woken up and done some research, I just can’t see certain things the same way again. When we were setting up the decor and I met a new person like this crossdresser, I started thinking “I shouldn’t be here…”. When the host sang her original songs, one of which tells people to ‘worship her’ and another where she pretends to kill the dancers, and later, when this drag queen came on to perform, I was thinking “I really shouldn’t be here”. I had to log in to her phone to assist with something, and she already knew I wouldn’t be pleased when she would told me her password, ‘666’. After karaoke, the background music was playing on the screen and the album cover had the Balphomet on it… “Yeah, I’m definitely not coming back here”.
A few days after, before the year ended, I texted her and told her to not invite me to future events, how I won’t be coming due to my faith, seems a lil demonic, etc, as I’m always honest and direct with my friends. She already knew I was a Christian and was already understanding of my feelings, but what surprised me is that she didn’t deny my claims or try to defend it saying ‘I’m thinking too much/we’re just playing around’…suspicious.
This life is not a game. Witches, new agers, and satanists are all around us, but in our ignorance and spiritual blindness, we are clueless and don’t take it seriously. I was actually mad at myself because I haven’t been a real Christian for so long. I was blending in with the world and living a life of sin. If someone ever needed demon deliverance, I wouldn’t have been able to help them as I was ignorant and spiritually dead. I even remember a little girl at the church summer camp I helped at telling the leaders she was scared to go to the washroom downstairs due to ghosts. I didn’t believe in ghosts, but I could tell she was genuinely scared, and would personally take her anytime she wanted to go. But now I know that, if she really saw something, it was definitely a demon.
I knew I had to get serious with God. I felt in my heart that His arms were open for me to return to Him, despite my history, and I was ready and willing to put the past behind me. I was even hoping to continue where we left off, when I was still a pure, innocent teenager, but the conviction of my sins from over the last decade started to hit me. I tried making excuses, like ‘I took it cause I needed it, my workplace has multiple pens anyways’, or comparing myself to others who were worse sinners…but then I’d realize I’ve done worse things, than the average population too. I still tried to defend my righteousness. I mean, I don’t drink or do drugs or party. I also kept the Sabbath…well, kinda. I may stay home and rest, but I’ve also worked on my blog or watched non-Christian content in that time. The fact that I knew the laws and broke it made me even more guilty.
Eventually, I had to humble myself and realize that, compared to the 10 commandments, especially when based on Jesus’s standard, I was guilty of all of them, and usually on multiple counts. And most importantly, I broke the first commandment which was to worship no other Gods. While I didn’t pursue another religion, I’ve had my idols, whether it’s a man, or my favourite show or band, and God was the last thing on my mind. I clearly didn’t love Him with all my heart and soul. Thus, I had to accept that, if I were to die today, I would deserve eternal condemnation in hell. I cried hard in my bed, feeling hopeless and worthless, realizing I could never save myself or earn my salvation, nor did I deserve it……but that’s when Jesus came to mind, and the true gospel clicked in my heart. I decided then to put all my hope and faith in Jesus alone for my salvation and begged to be saved.
The next morning, I knew I was born again as my mind was wiped of my constant dirty thoughts and fantasies. I also felt this new peace in my heart. Usually, I’d start playing music first thing and throughout the day, but I didn’t need or want it, I wanted silence. And most notably, I just felt this deep spiritual hunger in my soul and knew I needed spiritual food. Since then, I’ve been obsessed with Christian content, mainly watching, reading, or listening anything to do with God. I’ve been correcting the false doctrine I grew up with, learning about fellowship with the Holy Spirit, and various deeper things in the bible.
I was quick to throw away or abandon anything that could be a portal for demons, such as good luck charms and other gifts from certain friends, but more importantly, porn. I was actively fighting against temptations and my flesh through prayer, but slowly and surely, I gained victory over them. Anything that would keep me from a deeper relationship with God, I was desperate and willing to abandon them to pursue the Kingdom of God wholeheartedly. I wanted to be a useful vessel for God. Even if other Christians weren’t serious, I wanted to be.
Some of my first big spiritual changes was humbling myself and learning to depend on God. I grew up with a lot of financial anxiety, and more so when I moved out. I was always scared of being homeless….but the bible tells us constantly to not worry about these things, and I decided to believe what the bible says and trust in Him for His provision. After all, hasn’t he proven Himself the last 28 years? Did I ever go hungry? Was I ever homeless. No. It’s time to really practice faith and stop doubting His promises.
I also had a lot of pride, mainly because I felt like I could achieve anything through my own power…but it was God who placed me in Toronto, where I can get an education and had the same rights and privileges as anyone else. It was God who gave me my inquisitive, logical mind, and maintained my healthy, capable body. Considering my picky eating, it’s actually amazing that my body is still doing alright. God also gave me certain interests and dreams, and opened up pathways to achieve those things. And not to mention, all the teachers, all the bloggers, all the content creators who helped me to learn along the way. What did I really do or learn on my own?
I was also quite a coward. I’m the kind to run away from any scary situation, even a fight, as I was worried someone may have a weapon on them, and I could get hurt. So when I started learning about end times and the tribulation to come, that was already terrifying, but I was more worried that, if police knocked on my door and threatened to persecute me if I were a Christian, I’d likely reject God as I wasn’t mentally prepared, and also greatly feared death. I would never want to take the mark of the beast, so I prayed earnestly to God for courage, for boldness, and to not be so afraid of dying for His name’s sake.
Slowly, but surely, my eyes started to focus more on heaven. This world was all I saw, but now, I started to think more about the life to come and got more excited about it. If I were to die, I’ll be with God sooner, so why would I be afraid? A bit after that, I then started to learn more about the rapture, and after seriously weighing both sides of the argument, I started to see there was was more evidence for the rapture. With this new doctrine, I actually looked forward to Jesus’s return and was able to share the gospel with more joy, along with an urgency to get people on the ark before it was too late.
I also desired to be more open with my faith. My friends may know I’m a Christian, but my recent fans or followers wouldn’t as I haven’t mentioned it on any of my platforms. I was a little worried that if I shared I was a Christian, I may lose a lot of followers and trigger others…but then I thought about the unsaved who were boldly sharing that they are ‘gay’ or a ‘scorpio’ or a ‘witch’ in their bios, so “Why can’t I? Why do I have to be the only one that filters themselves to not offend others? I’m not ashamed of my God or the gospel! If I lose a few followers for my faith, that’s probably for the better anyways!” After getting past that hurdle and realizing it really made no difference, I started sharing more about my faith on this blog and elsewhere, and even sharing Christian posts on my story. Since then, I’ve had people here and there message or email me as they are also a Christian otaku, and feel greatly encouraged by my boldness and articles.
When it came to my friends, it was quite rocky. Some, I knew weren’t Christian, so I tried to share my faith, ready to debate about scripture, theology, philosophy, science, anything! I so desperately wanted them to turn to God and get on the ark before it was too late. Pretty much all my friends struggle with mental health, depression, anxiety, ADHD etc, but I knew God would have the peace and hope they needed! But once the topic was brought up, some were triggered, but most just stopped replying, ghosting me. I thought some friends were Christian, or they were Christians, but they turned away from the faith because of their sexual orientation or cause they believed the lies of this world. I suddenly had no one to talk to. I was honestly flabbergasted as I had pretty deep relationships with most of my friends. We could be open about our dreams and insecurities, and discuss philosophies or anime stories, and I even helped some of them in big ways, but I guess Jesus is where they draw the line.
A couple friends did end up converting after I shared or preached to them. One had an ear to hear. She went to a Christian school, but really didn’t learn anything there, so I taught her lots for months. The following year, she said she wanted to get baptized me, so we arranged that at her place, and I also came with her first communion. She is still a baby Christian who needs milk and is caught up with the affairs of life, so I can’t have the deeper, meatier convos I would like to have with her. The other friend disappeared after my mini sermon to her (she’s the type to pop in after 4 months for 15 minutes, then disappear again), so she came back months later with a contrite heart and true love for Jesus. I could tell she was genuine and she had the same spiritual hunger I did. She couldn’t find her bible so I got her one along with other books, but Satan has a hold on her. Since being saved, due to her past messing with various things, she faced extreme spiritual warfare, and was often attached by demons in her sleep. She’d call out to Jesus and He protected her….but despite all this, she has yet to get baptized, yet to find a church, and she’s still living in certain sins, still worried too much about work and money etc. I could only pray for her.
I was feeling extremely lonely…but I knew it was better to be alone than yoked together with unbelievers. I knew that I would be persecuted and hated for my faith, the bible warned me already. If anything, it just meant I was on a good path. I ended up praying more, and I mean actually getting on my knees and spilling my heart out to God, crying out in frustration about the blindness and deception in the world, about those who need deliverance but no one is able to help them because us Christians are weak and distracted. I also felt brokenhearted for God as people hated and rejected Him for no reason. Others only call to Him when they need something, and get angry when He doesn’t do what they want. God really is so good to us, and we neglect Him. I wanted Him to be my best friend and give Him the attention He desires. He made me for Himself after all.
During the first half of 2023, I really didn’t care to play guitar as I liked the peace, but the singer begged for us to continue. Since she came through when I begged her to join my band, I wanted to return the favor, so we got together again in March as a duet. But by June, as I increased more in my knowledge of God and desired to live more faithfully, I really didn’t like how much time and energy went into learning these chords or lyrics. And while the songs don’t promote sex or violence like Western music, it does promote pride and negative emotions. Many songs may sound fun and exciting, but may actually have depressing lyrics behind them. I’m also aware that, the songs we covered were often tied to anime series that promoted witchcraft and other anti-biblical views, so I didn’t want to be connected to that either. So I vowed to God that, after the Japan Festival in August, I won’t play guitar again unless for Him.
I’m thankful the Chromatic Dreamers band project ended successfully and on a high note, but now, I was more than ready to give up my selfish ambitions and anything that was getting in the way of me and God. I was a workaholic, but wanted to learn to rest and give God more space in my life. I poured my heart and soul and countless hours into this blog for 3 years, but I consecrated it to God, knowing that He could take it away. He’s allowed me to keep it, and I realized that I could use this blog to help spread Japanese Christian music or resources for Christian anime fans like me.
As for the singer, I would share my journey and spiritual discoveries with her, and she would listen, and we’d discuss a lot of topics, but even after a year and a half, while I helped her to understand true Christianity, she showed no signs of budging. At most, she even tried to bring Jesus and the bible into her own new age beliefs, but I said it’s one or the other, and I got frustrated by her trying to take things of the faith without submitting to it. She got mad at me for pushing her, so I knew it was best we too went our separate ways. It was a hard relationship to let go of after all we’ve been through, but the time I spent messaging her could be spent in bible reading or prayer instead.
My Intense Search For
A good Church
Having lost the friends of my past due to my faith or no longer having anything in common, I was starving for spiritual fellowship, people who I could have deep biblical discussions with, and to comfort and encourage one another in the faith. I wasn’t sure what Sunday church to start with, especially since I’ve heard negative or scary things about most of them, and I also didn’t want to give up Sundays as they were my only true day off, so I started by going back to the closest SDA church (not my home church, but one I’ve visited a few times).
Since they were covering Revelation the quarter I joined, their many false doctrines (ie ‘investigative judgement’, ‘heavenly sanctuary’) stuck out like a sore thumb. I already joined some bible studies (mid-week in person, Saturday evening online), and it wasn’t long before I started questioning and arguing with them. The mid-week teacher brought up annihilationism (hell is temporary, we cease to exist) in my first visit, and this was the first time I heard about it. I questioned him, as I was pretty sure the bible teaches eternal condemnation, but obviously didn’t have bible verses ready on the spot. We did go back and forth and the junior pastor actually encouraged the debate. I found out later the pastor comes from different church backgrounds before ending up here, but he was somewhat of a coward when it came to speaking up. At a future mid-week meeting, it was just me and the teacher, so I was able to debate with him on a few things, mainly end-times prophesy, but it was clear he really loved the founder (Ellen G. White). He was of other denominations before, but came to Adventism after reading her books. My home church only read from the bible, and I was usually too late to get the quarterly’s they’d hand out, so I was shocked to see how much influence she had on some members.
The online study was covering 1 Thessalonians, and while members agreed with my insight for the first half of the book, when the famous rapture verse (1 Thes 4:13) came up and no one brought up the rapture as an interpretation, I brought it up knowing Adventists don’t believe in that, and instantly, 3 or so people said in unison “there is no private rapture!”. I refuted saying, “who said it’s private?” Me and the leader then went back and forth for a while, and I only learned then not only do Adventists believe in replacement theory, but they believe in a heavenly millennial reign, both of which I refuted. Another lady cut us off saying ‘there’s no time and that he can call me for a one-on-one call’, but others were interested in the topic, so I thought there was hope in correcting them.
Immediately, I wrote up a whole 20+ page document, mainly gathering verses about Israel in end times, evidence for a 7-year tribulation period, and an earthly millennial reign, and I shared it with the leader and same junior pastor who was away that study for a trip in an email. The pastor read it and applauded me for it, but the leader clearly didn’t as he made a PowerPoint for the group mocking the rapture, and often saying “I don’t know where people get this” for points, and I’d reply “I included where in my doc”. I spoke up a couple times but was shut down, so I shared my doc with everyone in the chat. I still had patience to attend one more meeting, but I knew it would be my last time, as they are clearly filled with pride and believe they are right. At the end of the last meet, I asked to share a verse, and read Romans 11:25-28 with them that starts with “For I would not, brethren, that ye should be ignorant of this mystery, lest ye should be wise in your own conceits; that blindness in part is happened to Israel, until the fulness of the Gentiles be come in…”
After only 6 weeks of attending, I vowed to never go back to an SDA church, especially since they’re all connected. There is a yearly camp meeting/convention and people regularly attend other SDA churches, so I didn’t want to be hypocritical or confusing by openly rejecting their teachings while still attending the church. The first person I made this announcement to was my mom, but the second I attacked the church for their false doctrine, she not only defended them, but attacked me (which is normal). I tried to explain the true gospel, but she mocked it, denying that one could be saved without law keeping, and how that view encourages people to sin. I tried to explain that if one was truly saved, they wouldn’t want to sin as that hurts God, and if the Holy Spirit is working in them, He changes their desires….but I wasn’t getting through to her. I realized she wasn’t really saved, and that she was also blind and deceived. I made a few more attempts to share my discoveries, along with end time warnings, I had verses ready to share, but she had a deaf ear and said ‘God would wink at her ignorance’.
I also tried to tell the pastor I grew up (baptized me both times, close family friend) to hopefully wake him up, but he said my messages was too long to read and offered a call, though he didn’t follow through [He did call like 2 years later though for my birthday, saying he doesn’t see me anymore, and I shared why while summarizing my discoveries against the church. He wasn’t angry or defensive, just happy I was back in a church and following God). I also told an older family friend as well, as she would usually listen and agree with me when it came to the dreams and views my mom didn’t agree with (singleness, moving out, my band, etc), but I found out she didn’t even believe in the trinity because she agreed with the SDA’s founder’s view that Jesus is the brother of Lucifer, and that the Holy Spirit was just a spirit. When I called the founder out as a false prophet, she defended her saying ‘we must not touch one of God’s anointed’, and it was clear she started ignoring my words after that day. Weeks later, I came across 1 John 5:7, “For there are three that bear record in heaven, the Father, the Word, and the Holy Ghost: and these three are one” and shared it with her, but she just ignored the message. I thought people desired wisdom and correction, or were logical thinkers like myself, but now I understood just what a grasp Satan has on the unsaved, especially those in false denominations, and I praise and thank God for waking me up and saving me.
In January 2024, the pastor of a church plant in Oakville reached out as they were desperate for musicians, and they were stuck in an afternoon service slot because they had to ‘borrow’ musicians from other churches. Eager to help and thinking God was giving me an opportunity to use my talents for Him, I agreed. They played CCM and the spontaneity of the songs greatly challenged me as a musician. When they got their own location and moved to a morning service, I was the only musician for about 4 months.
While I was a member who helped set up/down and attended every other service and event (bible studies, prayer meetings, picnics, birthday parties, evangelism efforts), I didn’t feel connected to the others as they were all Nigerian Immigrants. Most were in their early 20s, still in school, and greatly desired to get married, so we had nothing in common. The girls also didn’t care to talk about the deeper things about the bible, which was all I really wanted to talk about. Additionally, they also all spoke tongues. While a little weird and freaky at first, I got used to it. I was truly open to spiritual gifts and being led by the Holy Spirit as these were things never talked about in the SDA church (Cessationists), but are clearly in the bible. I did find it strange that the pastor was pushing me to speak in tongues too, saying it’ll help me fit in, but I never cared about fitting in anyways.
One experience that made me open up a little more to it was during their classes where they go through their church’s teachings, and it was biblically sound. At one point, we were at gifts and tongues, and the teacher said we’re all going to try to practice gifts and prophesy and give each other a word and such. They all prayed in tongues for a while, and I prayed quietly to myself, asking God to show me if this stuff is real or not. Right after they finished praying, the teacher and another girl ended up receiving the same verse for me: “Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.” (Matthew 5:6). It was actually relevant cause I did truly hunger for those things, and it made me feel like God noticed my efforts to pursue holiness and righteousness. Another told me something along the lines that, ‘if I feel something bubbling inside me, let it out’.
After that class, I was talking to the pastor and said I believe it a little more now. He was so excited and said “I could lay hands on you and you’ll receive the gift of tongues right away”. I was like “Uhhhh…I don’t know about all that” and backed away. The next week, he called me aside and gave me a more thorough lesson on tongues using a couple verses, and teaching me to just say whatever. I went along with it, just cause he wasn’t going to let me go otherwise. He then had me join the class and we all prayed in tongues together. I then read and watched other resources he gave me, and also did a lot of my own research. And trust me, I really tried to practice as he told me to…but I would rather ‘pray with understanding’ as I already have so many things on my heart that I want to share with God. I also just couldn’t be convinced that everyone must speak in tongues (1 Corinthians 12), and the bible is clear that we shouldn’t speak tongues publicly without an interpreter (1 Corinthians 14:27-28). I also didn’t see how me speaking in an unknown tongues was edifying to the church, which we’re told everything we do should be for (1 Corinthians 14:26). Having been deceived before, I was extra discerning if something didn’t align perfectly with the bible.
During an early morning Saturday prayer meeting that summer, the second it started, everyone was speaking in tongues, even the guests who joined us. I was praying quietly to myself, and in the first 5 minutes, as I thought about God’s character and worshipped His goodness, I started crying. The girl beside me said right after that ‘she could feel the Holy Ghost on me’. Since I started praying seriously and being more honest with God, and even feeling broken and contrite about my sins, tears come naturally when I pray. As much as I desired to pray more, I was also worried too cause I don’t want to cry so much either. Anyways, the service went on for over 2 hours and I cried silently throughout the whole thing while others spoke loudly in tongues. In the last quarter, the mic was open to any and everyone that had a word, so people would come up to the front to share a verse, or a short sermon, or some encouragement, but it was all riddled in tongues.
Eventually, I put up my hand to share something and I was handed the mic. I couldn’t stand up as my legs were weak so I stayed in my seat. I didn’t even know what I was going to say as I always plan ahead as I tend to mumble or lose my trail of thought, but I just bowed my head and shared what was on my heart, which was for others to focus wholeheartedly on pursuing God (instead of work, school, money, and blessings as others were praying about), and how close He desires to be with them, and how we tend to doubt His provision and worry about the future, but He’s been good and faithful. Even if we’re homeless, we’ll be okay. I spoke for maybe 10 minutes, and it was the only quiet moment throughout the whole meeting, I think I heard some sniffles too, but mine were the loudest. Many people came to me afterwards saying my word was for them and/or that they were touched. The pastor also told me that if I cry when I pray, it’s a sign that God is close, and I should ask what He wants me to do for Him. All in all, that experience just confirmed that I don’t need to blend in with tongues and be noisy to edify and encourage others.
By October, I was already greatly vexed due to a variety of things, but their lack of transparency was where I had to draw the line. On my very first service where I was put on stage suddenly, I connected with the keyboardist and drummer. The same evening, as I inquired with the keyboardist about himself and how things work there, he told me he had a wife in Nigeria, yet proceeded to hit on me. I cut him off and set boundaries immediately, but was greatly disturbed that a worship leader would even think of cheating.
In July, after our first move, an eager and enthusiastic girl came in to play keyboard for us. She wasn’t given the songs beforehand, so I taught her the chords and ran it through with her. After service, I was hospitable to her and her mom, who was the one to reveal they were Muslim. I assumed that the girl may desire to be Christian, but couldn’t be open to her mom about it. I connected with her on Instagram and I told her more about how this church works, things I wished I knew sooner rather than later, and invited her to come play again. She said she was waiting for them to get back to her, but I encouraged her saying as long as she’s willing, they’d love to have musicians! She then admitted that they paid her, and thus she was waiting to see if they were keeping her. I felt deceived as I really thought she had pure intentions, but guess not. I rebuked the pastor for not screening people and hiring a Muslim as all worshippers must worship God in spirit and in truth (John 4:24).
In September, they brought another keyboardist who is an experienced pianist, but is used to sheet music. Having none, she would throw everyone off greatly in chords and in rhythm. I was already disappointed greatly with the musicians as they generally never came prepared. Some didn’t even listen to the song beforehand! But now, it was just getting tiring.
On thanksgiving weekend, after pouring out my heart to my cousin all night, I was too tired and vexed so I decided to stay home. This was only the 2nd week I missed. The pastor made me feel really bad the first time, but apparently things were quite a disaster this time. Without me holding down the rhythm and chords, the keyboardist was in a wholenother world and threw everyone off. Being a holiday, they had a lot of guests there, so it was also a little embarrassing. A few days after, the singer called me for the first time, mainly to tell me how it went and complain about the keyboardist. She also admitted I was right about previous comments I made. I said I’ve been annoyed with every keyboardist, and it’s a pain playing with them, especially since they’re always much louder than me, and she let it slip that every single musician (besides me) was paid to be there.
I was sick to my stomach. I didn’t care to be paid, but knowing others were being paid and weren’t giving their best to God was actually sickening. And I was also pissed because I was paying my tithes and giving a hefty deposit to help them pay for their own church building cause I was under the impression they were a struggling church plant and everyone was a volunteer, but they got enough money to pay another musician who wasn’t even giving half my effort. And on top of that, I was talking to the other musicians thinking they were willing servants, but they were likely talking to me assuming I was another paid musician like them. Months back, the singer snapped at me for talking to another musician outside of church to tell them about upcoming songs, but I didn’t see what was the problem….and who is she to tell me who I can and cannot talk to outside of church??? Are they not my brother and sister in Christ?? But now that I know the truth, I see that she was also keeping this a secret from me. If I knew it was a business transaction, I would have been more understanding, but if they’re desperate for volunteers, why prevent someone who is willing to play?
Feeling deceived and sick to my stomach, I told the pastor I would like a break from playing Saturday night, but the next morning, after I was dressed and ready to go, expecting my ride to pull up, the driver skips my stop. I called and asked why, he said the pastor told him. He wouldn’t have been far, but refused to come back for me. I then got mad at the pastor, asking am I not a member? Can I not come to worship and fellowship with yall? And he offered to give me an Uber later, but it was clear he didn’t want me around, probably because he knew I would talk and perhaps he was scared. Either way, despite being a registered member, it was clear I was just being used for my talents. My cousin gave me a ride to pick up my gear, and I dropped off a baby shower gift to a member who was part of my ride, and we headed back home. I then said my goodbyes in the group chat and moved on.
I spent the next few months recovering from the bitterness that was brewing inside me, but I also learned a lot about my own problem with people pleasing. I gave so much time and energy to them, helping set up, participating in evangelism, redesigning their website….and I was still tossed away like tissues. I needed to ensure I’m only doing what God asks, and not allow social pressure or my anxious attachment style lead to burn out and frustration. If anything, as they mentioned in a text when I left, they did pay back all my tithes and donations (they collected via e-transfer only), and that was a great blessing as we were falling behind on rent.
Finally At Home <3
aIn January 2025, I asked God to find a church for me as I clearly can’t make good decisions on my own. I told Him I won’t do research nor move until He shows me where to go.
3 weeks later, the pastor and wife of a local Baptist church knocked on my door to share the gospel, as they do soul winning/evangelism every Saturday. When I’d watch videos on denominations online, I already felt I aligned most with Baptists, so I opened my door and we talked. I assured them I’m saved and believe in faith alone, though I was wondering if one could lose their faith and thus lose their salvation, but the pastor shared some verses and reassured me that it’s God who keeps us. I actually appreciated and admired his confidence on the matter. I also shared my church background and how I was actually looking for a new church, so they invited me and said they’re more than willing to give rides too. That evening, while occupied with my sister’s birthday get-together, I prayed for God to confirm if this is where He wants me to be, and if I should go tomorrow or maybe the next week, etc. That night, I had a dream where I went to the church and had a good experience, and it also had other details that turned out to be quite prophetic as you’ll see in a bit.
So Sunday morning, I got up, I got dressed, I took the bus a few stops over, went up stairs, and sat in the back of the church. I first noticed the wooden beams in the middle of the space. In my dream, the church was divided into 3 rooms: the main room where the pastor preached, a closet-sized room, and then an over flow room where other members were, all connected. I found out later that this church expanded their space into one big church space. The building itself was quite warn down and scheduled to be replaced by a condo sooner or later, but I wouldn’t have noticed or known this if not for that detail in my dream. I really liked that they used hymns/hymnals, as the lyrics are so much deeper and more edifying than singing the same 4 lines over and over like they did at my last church. The pastor then asked how everyone’s soul winning efforts went, and as he noticed me, he recalled seeing me just yesterday and remembered my name as well ;____; They had a prayer request section which was really sweet, and one guy came to read a whole chapter of the bible before the sermon came on. They included a lot of prayer throughout. So far, so good.
The sermon was ironically about “Christian fellowship”, and on how Christians of the past met every single day and were truly united. Pastor shared a personal story on how a friend from his past drinking days wanted to hang out, and the pastor was just like ‘why would I want to do that? why would I want to hang out with you?’ and I totally understood where he was coming from. After service, another lady came up to introduce herself and ask if I could sing. The pastor’s wife also took an interest as they wanted more members. I said I could sing, but prefer to play or do backup vocals….but either way, give me some time to settle down first ^^” Ironically, in my dream, I was also asked near the end of my first visit by a lady to be part of a film project, and in my dream, the film was called “Assurance”, so again, too much of a coincidence. The pastor and his wife gave me a ride home that evening, and I’ve been riding with them since, to Sunday service and Wednesday bible studies.
Getting to arrive early and leave last, I naturally started helped out with setting up and closing down. They didn’t ask for help, and when I asked, they said just help put the hymnals back…but it’s very hard for me to just sit around doing nothing when someone is doing 20 things. The pastor’s wife was usually setting up alone, so I wanted to help her. I’d just watch and copy, and she really appreciated it as it saves her time, and she’s not as frazzled about forgetting something. Being here early and late, I also got to have more conversations with people, whether it’s visitors or regulars. Another prophetic part of my dream that I didn’t realize until way after was the chairs. In my dream, I initially sat in the middle, but someone who came late said that was their usual spot, so I got up and sat at the very front as those were the only spots left. The pastor in my dream said “no one sits up there as they aren’t as comfortable” (basic hard plastic chairs vs comfy padded chairs). So after one service, pastor was talking to other members about how people don’t sit up front and mentioned how the chairs in the backrows are actually different and softer than the ones closer to the front. I didn’t notice it til then and had to share my dream with them.
After hearing more meaty sermons and feeling more assured that I align with their teachings, I asked about joining their music ministry. I started to sing in duets/trios, and occasionally played guitar for the special song. For congregational worship, they would play a piano recording and the wife would play violin alone, so I dusted off the ocarina I bought a decade prior and joined her. I knew how to read music, but never had to practice reading as I had more than enough time to write out the notes and memorize it, but it’s been a joy learning to read more proficiently, and to not be intimidated by various keys. Oh! And back to the chair thing, I started sitting in the front every week as it allows me to get up faster and more easily to play. I may not have a buddy sitting beside me, but I don’t mind. More space for my jacket and bag haha.
But most importantly, I actually feel like I have a family here. People take interest in my life, and pray for me, give me gifts or clothes, and genuinely care about me as a member of the church. The pastor’s wife is like a mom to me, she does listen and care and gives me things, but she also gives advice and correction, like telling me I can’t wear pants if I’m up front. I do my best to listen and obey as the bible says we should (1 Timothy 5:2, Hebrews 13:17). I’m also the one she can depend on if she needs an extra hand as my schedule is flexible enough to come anytime to help set up things for an event, or to put the TV stand together and so on. It’s also been nice going soul winning with her, and organizing the church picnic with her.
There are a couple things I don’t fully agree with that the pastor and wife stand on, mainly KJV-only and Hymns-only. I love the KJV, it’s always been my go-to but to say ‘it’s the only true word of God’ when the original bible was written in Hebrew, Latin, and Greek 1700 years before it is weird logically. I’m aware that some bibles may misinterpret or take out verses, but if 98% of an easier-to-read bible is accurate, surely, someone else can still learn about God and grow in their faith through it. As my last pastor even said, people of the past didn’t even have their own bibles, so it really was word of mouth, yet they were saved and had power. I also understand if the wife is personally troubled by drums or overwhelmed by instruments as they hurt her ears, but to call other Christian music that is theologically accurate ‘demonic’ just cause it’s upbeat or new is just being biased. Even I was offended when I suggested some songs and they were instantly turned down due to instruments or just for being newer. The hymns we know were contemporary at their time, and the first Christians only sang Jewish psalms. And regardless, the bible says to praise God with a variety of instruments, and to sing new songs onto Him (Psalm 33, 150), so there’s nothing wrong biblically with me enjoying other music, but I’ll respect their wishes to keep it to hymns inside the church for the sake of peace.
One of my biggest changes since being saved is losing my desire to fight and argue. I’ve been arguing my whole life, mainly with my mom, but also with friends, with random people online, cause I always believed I was right. I was humbled when I learned Adventism was a lie as that was a huge part of my identity, and God’s continued to humble me as I asked Him to. I first tried to argue people into believing, but that didn’t work, and I was the only one that was hurt and frustrated in the end. I had to learn to not cast my pearls before swine. I had to learn to not let the demons in others trigger me and provoke me to act in the flesh. I had to realize that if traits like love, peace, gentleness, grace, and patience were important, than striving with people didn’t make sense. At the end of the day, only God can save people. I’m no hero, I don’t have any power, so it’s not burden to bare. I can rest, and just focus on the beam in my own eye instead of worrying so much about others. Live by example, love others, be a light in the world, and surely, opportunities will arise where I can share my faith.
I also came to understand that God’s ultimate desire is for His children to be united, to be one body, and we grieve the Holy Spirit when we are divided. That’s what satan wants, he knows we are more powerful together. So If we really want to win this spiritual battle, everything must be done in love, and we should look out for the weaker brethren, and not divide over secondary matters nor put stumbling blocks in front of them or heavy burdens on them (John 13:25, Romans 12:5, Romans 14:2-4, 1 Corinthians 16:14, Galatians 5:15, etc). If someone is judging you about something that is not stated as a sin, use 1 Corinthians 10:29-33 which starts with, “why is my liberty judged of another man’s conscience?” Let’s not become Pharisees and create unreasonable burdens and restrictions just to feel more self-righteous.
Oh! One last thing! Around April 2025 or so, I got to hear more about God’s divine work in my life in a sermon. Apparently, the day they knocked on my door, they were actually evangelizing at another building blocks away. They waited quite a long time just to get access to one side of the building, so when they were waiting to enter the second, the pastor was already quite annoyed about wasting so much time, and they decided to try somewhere else. There’s at least 7 other buildings between me and that one, but they ended up at mine and met me. The timing was also just too perfect. They could have came before I lived here and may have have not returned for ages, and I mean decades, as there’s so many places they haven’t gone yet. They could have came before I was saved when I wasn’t ready for church. They could have came last year, when I was playing weekly at another church. But they came now, when I prayed for it. God intentionally got in their way and let them straight to me. God is amazing and His timing is always perfect ^_^
So as my intro says, God was always pursuing me and has certainly come through countless times. While I always had some kind of faith, I don’t believe I was born again until 2023. My life has changed tremendously since then, and I could see clearly now that the Holy Spirit is living inside me. I also believe that God was reserving me for Himself. I never felt close to my immediate family, friends have abandoned and forsaken me, I’ve had horrible luck with guys, but perhaps all of that is to teach me that the love I greatly need and desire could only be found in God. He is the Father, Brother, Friend, and Lover I’ve been searching for. He is my portion. I don’t need anyone else.
So that is my testimony. While I used to play secular music and indulge in worldly things, the gospel has changed me. I am serious about my Christian walk and my musical talents are dedicated towards God and the body of Christ. I desire to be a submitted vessel so God can use me to reach, comfort, deliver, and edify others. Amen.
Thanks for reading! God bless! Sincerely, Nostalgia <3