My Testimony
Deceived, Brokenhearted,
Caught Up In The World...
But GoD Was Always Pursuing Me.
I Was born again in 2023, and now Pursue Him Wholeheartedly.
My Childhood
Hello! I’m Nostalgia. I was dedicated to God as a baby and grew up in the Seventh-Day Adventist church; HOWEVER, I have since been born again and reject that church and their teachings. I feel like I’ve re-written this testimony so many times as it always ends up being so long. Why? Because I see how God as guided me and protected me since I was young, before I was aware of it, and how many prayers he has answered along the way. All of that is why, while I had a prodigal son season, I came back wholeheartedly to Him. But I’ll keep this one page long just because I know free time and attention spans are short.
So yes, I grew up in the church, and for the most part, I was always attracted to God. I enjoyed reading bible stories, devotionals, and even started reading my own bible at a young age, making notes, and writing down definitions since my children’s bible was KJV. I grew up in Toronto, more specifically ‘the hood’ near Jane and Finch which was known for a lot of gun and gang crime at that time. I also went to public school, so it was super multiculural and I grew up with many different faiths and influences around me. Regardless, I held to my Christian faith. I also knew that God’s law was wise and meant to protect me, so I avoided making big mistakes in my youth. I didn’t idolize celebrities because I knew they were sinful human beings like me, and popularity didn’t mean much to me either. I was the one person who’d reach out to the loners and the outcasts because I cared more about hearts. While I did indulge in a lot of secular media, I was most attracted to things that had positive messages, like being courageous and standing up for what is right, or being a good friend and helping the weak.
I faced a lot of situations that could have left me traumatized and depressed, such as my older brothers physical abuse, my parents separation/divorce (including my dad finding a new wife who had kids and them taking over our rooms at his home. My parents was in court for years), my mother’s emotional neglect and unfair chores/responsibilities, having our cable, TV, and phone cut off regularly along with eviction letters a few times a year, being groomed and sexually assaulted by a family friend, having a fake friend who plotted evil things against me, and so on. But because I had hope that things would be better, learned to forgive and let go, and was always grateful for my many blessings and privileges (especially school clubs), I was able to keep a smile on my face. There were times I desired more power and control over my life, and after our teacher played Xmen in class, I dug into mental powers and found out it was real. I started meditating hoping to harness such a thing, but it hit me that, if I were to be in a life-or-death situation, such as being kidnapped, I would rather rely on God to save me, so I stopped pursuing it. And thankfully, nothing that scary has happened to me yet.
Teenhood & Adulthood
High school would be the first time I took a more serious interest in the bible and started reading it from cover to cover to prepare for my rebaptism (I found out my middle school friend was baptized and simply asked my mom how it gets done, and it got set up before I knew it). Around the same time, I started taking a program where we would take a university philosophy course, and our grade would determine how much of a scholarship we would get. The topic for the course was ‘the meaning of life’. Our professor was very atheistic, and other philosphers also believed that there is no meaning, meaning is just an illusion and we are here to pass on our genes and die. I didn’t believe that, but they had good arguments that I couldn’t fight against without the bible. As I started to consider the possibility that they were right, I got pretty depressed and stopped reading the bible….but I keep feeling this nudge saying ‘just one more page’. Eventually, I heeded, and the next page had Colossians 2:8 which says ” Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ“. I was shocked the word ‘philosophy’ was even in the bible, but also felt really encouraged and inspired to prove them wrong. I did research on the bible and found these ‘stories’ were historical and that there was evidence for it. From there, I was able to create arguments to defend God and still ended the course with an A and a $5000 scholarship.
After high school, my life took a turn. Since Grade 11, I decided I would stay single for life as I always just wanted my own room (had to share with my older brother, then my little sister), and I knew way too many single moms/broken families. I felt I could do more to help people if I was free and independent. I did date a little bit, but nothing fruitful or serious happened in my youth. But in my first year of University, I had my first kiss by accident (like the K-dramas), and it made me curious and desperate to see if finding ‘the one’ would be worth it. Due to the brokenness of my past, I was a people pleaser and would fawn when scared, so guys were able to take advantage of me, and I lost my virginity to the most manipulative guy. I cried that night and told him how I felt, and he did a full 180, getting angry at me and calling me names. I knew I made a big mistake, but I always believed I’d only do it with one guy so I stuck around. I had to literally run miles for him since he had a car but no phone service, and he’d threaten to leave me if I didn’t get there in time. I lost all self-confidence and worth in myself…and that led to another family friend raping me. As much as that sucked, it created a scenerio where I was able to leave my douchy boyfriend since he wasn’t my ‘one and only’ anymore. I then dated a bit more, still finding the most toxic guys. Eventually, I came across one guy who loved Digimon as much as I did. We started as friends, knowing that we weren’t what either of us was looking for, but we ended up dating just to have that real relationship experience. It was cute for the most part, and allowed me to heal just a bit. But from there, I had resolve to just stay single.
I also had resolve to stop making excuses and playing the victim, sacrificing myself for my family even though none of my siblings tried, and to start chasing my dreams and crossing things off my bucket list. The first thing I did was plan a solo trip to Japan. I waited years for friends to go with, and was hesitant to spend money on myself since my mom needed to borrow, but I didn’t want to live with regrets, so I went. It was terrifying, thanks to the show MayDay and knowing Japan was prone to natural disasters, but God brought me back safely, and that gave me the courage to pursue other things. Such as changing into my childhood dream job, doing other solo trips to see more of Canada and the Northern Lights, and also doing other activities like hang gliding. When the pandemic came around, I saw it as an opportunity to pursue my childhood band dream, and I also moved out because being around my family 24/7 was truly driving me crazy. I just wanted peace, I wanted to be happy.
This blog is where I documented my band’s journey. We were a rookie anime/Jpop cover band. It took 3 attempts over 10 years, and I had to learn guitar to do it, but I made it happen. The singer and I got pretty close in the process, and she opened up that she was ‘spiritual’. I didn’t really know what that meant, but I knew the bible was against things like mediums and witches, so I looked more into it, and learned these powers are real thanks to demons. I didn’t think magic was real, but it really opened my eyes, and suddenly, I realized how dark this world really is, along with all the signs of the end times that were happening now…but I was living in my own bubble, pursuing worldly endevors. I got pretty close to this host who would throw Japanese music events, and while I assumed that they just wore creepy-cute clothes for fun, one event made it clear to me that these people weren’t just enjoying an asthetic, they were probably dabbling in the occult, and I was ignorant to it all.
Running Back To God
I wanted to run back to God. This wasn’t the time to be playing around. I felt in my soul that Jesus was coming back soon, but I wasn’t ready! I prayed for forgiveness and was hoping to continue where we left off, when I was still an innocent teen…and honestly, I wasn’t that bad compared to other people, I still kept the sabbath, still was good and honest….or so I thought. As I confronted myself of my sins over the last decade, I realized I broke every single commandment. And I’m worse because I knew the commandments and still broke them. I still tried to excuse myself, it’s because I was broke, or everyone does it….but no. I did these sins, willingly, usually multiple times, and I truly understood that I deserved hell, that there was no way to save myself. I layed in my bed crying at that realization, accepting just how dirty and wretched I was…..and only then did the gospel truly click in my heart…Jesus was the only way I could be saved, and I decided to put all my faith and trust in Him for my salvation…
The next morning, I woke up and it felt like my mind was wiped. Usually, I’d play music first thing and all day, but I just wanted silence. Usually, I had a lot of dirty thoughts and fantasies playing, but my mind was clean. I just felt this unusual calm in my spirit, and I knew I was born again. I also felt this immense spiritual hunger, and I started re-reading my bible, while also binging a lot of Christian content and bible studies to correct the false doctrine I grew up with. While I initially puffed myself up with knowledge, God confronted me about my pride and how mean I could be when people didn’t care about God, so I started to pray, and pray seriously. On my knees, truly spilling my heart out from God. I thought my external sins were bad, but there is a whole lot of things within me that He had to work on, and is still working on within me.
In my first year, I learned to let go of the world. The singer and I did a duet for a few months, but I really didn’t care for secular music or the band anymore. It felt like a distraction, especially considering all the time it took to learn and practice the songs to perform well. I threw away a lot of questionable items I had, things like charms I got as gifts, cute rocks that I realized came from a new age store, and any other toys, clothes, or accessories that represented magic (ie Sailormoon). I sold my Digivice collection that took me a decade to collect and meant so much to me, along with the merch I got when I went to see my favourite band, One OK Rock. Just anything that I felt I was idolizing or anything that would confuse someone else about what side I was on, it had to go. Anything that would cause me to sin, had to go. Parts about myself that I held pride in but was against God’s character (ie arguing, people pleasing), had to go. I wanted my room to be a place God would feel comfortable in, and I was serious about consecrating my life, my talents, and anything I had to His purposes. I poured my heart and soul into this blog for 3 years, but I gave it to God thinking He may take it away, but He allowed me to keep it. I don’t blog as much anymore, but I’m happy that I found a way to redeem it and make Christian content within my niche. On that note, I’ve worked so hard the last decade, pushing and striving to create a better life for myself and loved ones, but God has given me permission to rest, to wait, to let Him handle it. Times I was stressed financially, even when I lost my job, He came through for me <3
I’m 3.5 years in as I’m editing this testimony, and while I was aware I put people on a pedastal as a poeple pleaser, I wasn’t aware that I talked so much and sacrificed so much because I desired external validation and had such a big ego. Things I’ve done since my youth, things I assumed I did because I cared and loved hard, I realized I did it for selfish reasons, to create or protect the image I wanted others to have of me. While I was aware I was a wretched sinner, I truly believed I had good intentions, that my kindness was pure, but I see now that they were tainted, because I wanted to brag about it. I’m very thankful that I’ve finally found the root of all my issues, and that’s because I meditated on God’s word. He told me to be still, to be quiet, to guard my heart, and to put Him first, but I struggled to do this cause the child in me was still trying to get validation from others since I didn’t get that at home. I’ve grieved quiet a bit, but now I think I can truly be obedient since I’m no longer concerned what others think, I’m not worried about maintaining a certain reputation, I’m not scared about disappointing people, nor am I striving to be prove things to others…God loves me, knows me, and validates me, and that’s all that matters.
I’m still on the sanctification journey now, and I don’t think it ever ends. Every time you feel like you got victory over a sin or have shed something ungodly in yourself, God then exposes more darkness, wretchedness, and brokenness within you. I think it’s so easy for a new convert to start preaching and ministering to others, especially in this day and age where everyone wants to make content and share their lives with the world….but we all really need time in the wilderness, isolated with God, so He can break us and refine us. We truly have to deny ourselves if we want to be useful vessels to Him. We need to stop relying on our own power, skills, talents, and wisdom, and learn to rely on God wholeheartedly. I’m still learning, but if you’re a new convert, I pray that you too will go to your quiet place and let God change you first.
Sincerely, Nostalgia